What do you think of my story idea - draft included?

Question

I had this idea in my head for such a long time, and I finally wrote a short story about it for English, and I'm planning on expanding it to a full-sized novel now. (I'm waiting on my teacher's verdict, I gave him the short story version today... lol :p)
I've included the first 2 papragraphs here. Let me know what you think, and if you want more just let me know and I'll post more. :D
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Marie looked around her. She was on an island, an island that hid surprises around every corner and had risks at every step. It was an island of adventure, an island that had an almost eerie, unearthly feeling of magic and unrealistic sense about it. It rendered you unable to look at the real world in the same way again after you had been there; for the island gave you a perception of imagination and virtual existence that you just knew was unrealistic, yet your body told you it was real in every sense. In fact, the island was exactly what Einstein had meant when he said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge; for knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world and encircles it.”
For sure, this was no ordinary island. It was not able to be found using any map of the world; for it did not exist to those who are unaware of it. It could only be found if you were somewhere deep in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, able to see its steep, beautiful, rainbow-encrusted waterfalls flowing gracefully over treacherous cliffs on both sides of the giant statue of the Greek goddess of love and beauty, Aphrodite, right in the middle of the north of the island. The island itself was about five kilometres across in diameter, not including the beautiful seas that surrounded it. The key to finding the island is Einstein’s quote: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” You had to have faith and trust in your ability to imagine a world of physics-defying realities and imagination with deep emotional and physical connections, and only then could you find it.

Answer 1

I hope that you will take this and other criticisms as helps towards improvement rather than just 'bashing'.

First, one common feature of great literature is a leading sentence (sometimes a couple) that set a mood and/or grab interest. They most often make the reader wonder rather than explain the story. The first paragraph or chapter then unfold the basis for the story gradually, building interest. Whole web sites are dedicated to this phenomenum, for example:
http://people.cornell.edu/pages/jad22/
http://www.litline.org/ABR/100bestfirstlines.html
'Poor' examples (I am a lousy writer):
It did not seem real, but Marie was sure she was not dreaming.
Can imagination be more important than knowledge?
The waterfall's mist approached me like tendrils from a fading dream.
Not very good, but I think they demonstrate the point.

Younger audiences need more 'story' up front, as in your example, but your sentences are too lengthy or complex for such a group. The writing seems a little too pushy. Let the reader 'discover' it more as the story unfolds. Rather than stating, 'suggest' the characteristics of the island and its 'key'.

The concept has a lot of potential and it looks as though you have put a lot of thought into it. Worlds that long existed in the authors' minds are likely the richest and have the most potential for good stories.

Starting with a short story for class seems an excellent first foray into bringing your "world" into the open. Might I suggest that you consider writing rough plotlines for one (or more!) stories in your world. Then make an outline of just the plotline for the (first) story. Next you can see what details of world and character development you can present in each step of the plotline. Do not put it all in the first chapter. Present in the first chapter only a dim skeleton on which to hang the story and the details as the book progresses. Then try writing the first 3 or 4 chapters and see how it works. Keep the first try short, maybe only 5 or six pages per chapter. Get that critiqued by a few people, like you did here. With the additional practice and suggestions this produces, you should be able to decide whether you are ready to do a full book, and your style should have settled down and matured considerably.

If you "go for it", consider leaving areas of the island unexplored or unreachable. This provides interest for sequels. Another approach is delayed development of the characters across books as in the Harry Potter series.

Do not be discouraged, but take the time to do it well. When you become famous, you can mention all of those who tried to help!

Answer 2

I like the paragraph quite a bit, with the quote from Einstein and all (though one quotation on the one quote is enough, I think). The only think I can't figure out is why the sentence "Marie looked around her" and the next sentence as well, for it's something Marie couldn't know, only an omniscient voice, which you then take up with gusto.

I'd leave Marie out of it until you're through with omniscient voice describing everything about the island and even a little more... then introduce with a little more leisure; gradually somehow. I'm not sure how you'll switch voices but I know it can be done since I've switched voices (viewpoints) myself. I guess you just incorporate as best you can in a sentence or two and then stick completely with Marie and her adventures.

That's what the story is really about, right? Do you have a plot in mind? Sometimes it can be hard to move from description to plot, so be sure you DO have a plot ready to go... can out line it. Good luck!

Answer 3

Where is the story? All I see is a blurb. You commit the classic sin of telling, not showing. There is nothing here to indicate there is an actual story involved. Just because you quote Einstein and throw a greek goddess in doesn't make this witty.

And how many hidden surprises can there be on a 5 kilometer island?

You are lecturing the reader, not telling a story. You are also trying too hard to use complex sentence structures, and this is hurting you as well. You write in a passive voice and are trying to be overly complicated.

Answer 4

It's ok, but needs work.

Watch out for the following:

Too many adjectives for one noun (eerie, unearthly0 (steep, beautiful, rainbow-encrusted)

Redundancy (saying the same things over and over, even tho' you used different words)

Changing tenses (you did)

PS After the first two sentences, if you had introduced Marie, either by description or direct quotes, It would have grabbed the readers' attention more.

Good luck. Keep writing.

Answer 5

It has potential I'd consider reading it depending on what the plot was actually like. You set the setting, but for me its always the plot that really makes a book. You can have relatively poor settings and still have a good book from the plot alone at least in my opinion. Characterization is important as well, and usually goes hand in hand with the plot of the novel.

Answer 6

The first two paragraphs are the most repetitive thing I have ever read. The first paragraph basically says nothing - over and over. No, it isn't something I would read. I don't see a novel in there anywhere. I don't think your teacher will either. To paraphrase PJ O'Rourke, it's as repetitive as bad wallpaper. Sorry. Pax - C

Answer 7

those are some very complex sentences.

to me i find that short sentences are so much more effective at capturing the interest especially in the first paragraph. you need the right combination of words though!

who is your story targeted towards? is it a particular genre?

for effective novels you need to be able to conjure the story around the reader rather then just tell it.

Answer 8

I like it! The sentences made it sound like a cultured person was writing, not just any idiot. I think it'll turn out good.

Answer 9

you realized how to manipulate people through mind powers, so you just wrote a book with no words in it, and you became famous because you told people to buy and like your book :P

Answer 10

I read to keep away from reality just for awhile. No I do not like your idea for a book it lacks that take me away and enjoy without too much thinking ~~