My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and together for 5 1/2. When we got married we said we would wait 2 years before trying to start a family, but now he is telling me that he really doesn't think he wants children, EVER!!. Everytime the subject of children comes up (at a family gathering or with friends) he gets angry and imposible to talk to. I don't know what to do. On one hand he's the man that I love with all my heart but on the other he's crushing my dream of becoming a mother and starting a family with him.
What should I do???
2007-09-20 19:28:01 · 25 answers · asked by jarosi 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He needs to find out why the idea of fatherhood scares him.
2007-09-20 19:34:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try a new approach. Don't start the conversation the same way every time - you'll sound like a broken record and this will annoy him more. Ask questions. Let him explain his side without interruption, and wait for HIM to ask for your side. (it may not be in the same sitting.)
Also, this really is NOT a conversation to have in front of family or friends! He may become defensive in the presence of others because many people view this opinion on children as unnatural or selfish. Keep these talks just between you two. If people ask you, smile and say "Right now I'm just enjoying ____" (hubby, traveling, working, etc.) It will mean a lot to your husband, and you won't have to advertise your unfulfilled dreams at the next family picnic.
Finally, read about this issue on religious websites (even if your not religious) Why? I find those sites are more focused on "reaching your partner" instead of "confronting your partner". It could make all the difference.
Good Luck. Make sure you follow up on here!
2007-09-21 03:04:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow,
I usually hear the opposite. Meaning a couple never discussed the issue before marriage. You need to find out why he has changed his mind. What was his childhood like? Is there a reason that he may feel like he might not be a good father? I think counseling is a definate priority. Do you think he's cheating on you or has in the past? Do you have a good marriage?
Definately try talking to him when the two of you are alone, don't do it in front of relatives, that will only make things worse. They may also be pressuring him. Good luck and I hope all goes well! = )
2007-09-21 03:13:04 · answer #3 · answered by redblack 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is unfair of him to get angry about the subject. You had already discussed this before you got married. He has gone back on a promise to you. If you feel that this is the only way you can complete your life, then you have the right to leave him. You can not, however, force him to feel differently. If you did have children, how would he treat them knowing that he was pushed into doing something that he did not want to do?
2007-09-21 02:41:12 · answer #4 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him...ask him why the change of heart....mentioning that you both agreed that you'd wait a designated period of time...but that having children has always been something you wanted for your life....and finding out now that he's adamatly against it is very devastating to you. Don't approach it as an argument, but rather a discussion. You deserve to know...that decision alone is a large bearing on whether or not that special person is the one you should marry, so the fact that he's changed his mind mid-stream to lead to big problems in the marriage.
2007-09-21 02:34:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may just be getting freaked out about the commitment and cost that children require. You definitely need to find a good counselor/therapist to speak to. No matter how much you love him, if he decides he doesn't want children then you have to end the marriage. You can't spend your life "wishing" you could be a mom...that isn't fair to you. On the other hand, if he really doesn't want kids...it isn't fair to force them on him. I have a neighbor who told me that she and her husband both agreed that they never wanted children. After about 7 years of marriage, she suddenly changed her mind. They separated (amicably) because he said that if she wanted children then she deserved to pursue that in her life. After a few months he came back to her and said he would have children because he loved her enough. They now have a baby girl. He isn't a hands on dad at all, but they are doing fine. I think things will get better when the child is older...right now, she seems to have to handle it all herself. As a mom of 3 I can't imagine having a husband that didn't help. Good luck.
2007-09-21 02:39:31 · answer #6 · answered by lifeisgood 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he gets impossible to talk to because it is brought up at family gatherings and such. this is a personal,private matter that should be discussed between the two of you and because you know that he doesnt want kids and you do he probably thinks you are getting the family to gang up on him and change his mind. Talk to him privately without being confrontational and ask him why he doesnt want to have kids he might have a really good reason that can be worked out to where he may change his mind. if this doesnt work talk to a family counselor immediately. even if it does this is still adviced
2007-09-21 03:02:28 · answer #7 · answered by Vicky Lovers 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with him and have a discussion about just this issue. Find out exactly why he doesn't want to have kids, there could be any number of reasons why ranging from abuse he may have suffered as a child to medical issues. See if there is a solution to the problem, seek counseling if the problem warrants it.
If this discussion isn't something you can do on your own as a couple, then go to marriage counseling and get the tools you two need to overcome this obstacle.
2007-09-21 02:36:13 · answer #8 · answered by Greenman 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like he is afraid.....maybe he had a rough childhood or maybe he just doesn't know "how to be a dad". My husband went through that phase, but once he learned the basics he eventually came around. Going to talk to someone can help sort out his fears and feelings about it, what ever you do don't call it "thearapy" or "counseling" when you ask him to go. Men hear those words and they get offended and freak on you. I hope things come around for you, but just keep in mind that sometimes people just have different life plans and you deserve the right to be happy. Good luck!!!
2007-09-21 02:38:17 · answer #9 · answered by krissy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just let things go for the moment, don't push the fact, otherwise you could be heading towards the divorce court.
Give him a bit of time, and you never know, you could be one of those lucky ones, that don't have a problem falling pregnant, if you are not using any birth control.
If you do happen to fall pregnant, just be tactful when telling him.
Good luck.
2007-09-21 02:35:03 · answer #10 · answered by Mummabear 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He doesn't want children. He said it and that's what he means, there's really nothing you can do. If he doesn't change his mind and you really want children, there's no other choice then to divorce and marry someone who wants children, that's if you want children that bad. Therapy would not help.
A therapist cannot convince someone to do something that he/she does not want to do. Don't make the mistake of talking him into it. Don't ever try to convince someone to do something that they clearly do not want to do. You'll regret it. I feel bad for you. I hope he changes his mind. Good luck!!!
2007-09-21 02:40:48 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋