My ex ran off with another woman when my daughter was 10mnths and I was 18,am now married to a wonderful loving man who adores my daughter.I never talk to my daughter about her dad she is 4,and I don't want her to have a relationship with him coz he is only gna break her heart if he ever comes back and I hope he doesn't.What would you do if you were me?
2007-09-20 18:22:17 · 18 answers · asked by maz 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I was in that situation, my son is now 18 what I did was ask for child support he didn't want to help so I refuse for him to see his child, I was honest with my son who by the way today is a US Marine and didn't need his dad at all to succeed and I told him when he turn 18 he could look for his dad, he is 18 and still hasn't looked and he could if he wanted to but he don't if you raise your child right and with love she will not miss anything and you will have nothing to regret. The real father sounds like a real dead beat I don't think he will want to come back, best of luck for you and your baby girl.
2007-09-21 00:42:13 · answer #1 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My brother married a lovely woman, who had a small son before they met - he had never met his biological father. We love him as our own.
When about 4 years old, the boy came up to us at Christmas and said "Hey I've got two Dads!". We all knew, so we said "Wow, that's special isn't it".
The point is he will grow up knowing that there was the Dad who helped Mummy have him, and the Dad that lives with him and loves him very much. There will not be a dark family secret, which might be sprung on him by a thoughtless relative. Far better that he grew up knowing, than finding out when much older.
Yes there were questions when he got older, but there were no lies to explain. He could ask, because they were open and honest with him in the first place.
In your case what would happen if the ex meets your child one day and says "Hi, I'm your Dad" and she didn't even know?
But when it comes time to answer the questions, please be kind, not for the sake of your ex, but for your child's sake. No child wants to hear that their Dad was a selfish b*****d who did their mother wrong - even if true. If you can speak truthfully, but gently, it will be much better for your girl.
2007-09-20 18:43:49 · answer #2 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
well she is 4 so no need to tell her anything yet. when she is a bit older maybe you should, i'd say around 8-9 onwards she will understand more and why you never speak of her dad, and well she has an even better daddy anyway now.
don't worry about when you will have to tell her just live as you are a normal happy family. your ex may turn up 1 day but he's the 1 who has got to tell your daughter why he run off and why he hasnt seen her since she was 10 mths! not you.
you're the good parent not the bad one, she may be mad at you when you tell her if she is a teenager, but she will soon see why you didnt tell her and the fact she has a daddy who adores her is great.
2007-09-20 18:43:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry to hear about your problem. I had the same thing happen to me. I was 18 when I got pregnant. The biological father of my daughter was also never around and irresponsible. Like you I also met the most amazing man in the world whom I married. He has been her only daddy and will always be her daddy. I struggled with the same questions you did, and when my daughter turned five she was told about her biological father. I think I would have waited until she was older to know, but I dont regret her knowing. My daughter is now 9 1/2 years old. She knows about her father because I tell her about him once in a while. She doesnt like talking about him alot. What helps is having the support of my husband, who will always be his little girl. We married when she was 7 months old. Good Luck to you sweetie. I dont think you should hide it from her, but I think she will admire you so much when she gets older, like my princess.
2007-09-20 18:44:28 · answer #4 · answered by liz g 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If he left her life before she had a chance to know him he didnt want anything to do with her in the first place let her know that, and the real man who stepped up is her real father but her biological father isnt around. hard to explain to a 4 year old, or at least all the 4 year olds i know. wait until she can really comprehend whats going on to put something so heavy on her. especially if your husband now is a good father dont cut his legs from under him you should really get what he has to say about this situation and take it into serious consideration... but like you say her bilogical daddys prone to running so let her live life with her real daddy.
2007-09-20 19:14:15 · answer #5 · answered by Joose 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that depends on whether she knows your husband isnt her real dad. Yes four is young to understand and i dont think you need to make a big deal out of it but i do think that she needs to know she has a biological father and her "real" dad whos bringing her up. And even telling her she has another relative out there doesnt mean she has to see him. She can make that decision when she's older.
I say this because when i was about 13 i was snooping around as kids do and found out the mman i beleived to be my dad wasnt, believe me at that age its a shock. I think its better that it doesnt become a family secret as i ended up feeling my whole childhood was just full of skeletons in a closet. I hope that makes sense.
2007-09-20 20:38:37 · answer #6 · answered by slsvenus 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really don`t think she is old enough to take this in at 4 years old, i think you would be better to wait a couple of years. Kids often think it`s their fault that daddy/mummy went away, so when you do tell her you have to only say positive things and you really have to try hard not to talk about him in a negative way, as hard as that may be for you. I don`t doubt that he is a total waste of space but when kids think one of their parents is a bad person they sometimes think that some of that must have rubbed off on them.
I do think you will be storing up trouble for yourself when she grows up if you never tell her though as she is bound to find out, then she will feel resentful towards you for withholding it. Don`t feel stressed about it though, no-one has a smooth ride through life and things have turned out well for you - good luck.
2007-09-20 19:33:11 · answer #7 · answered by Sir Bobby`s Hairdresser 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't tell her about the first guy who ran off. But if she asks, I'll ask her what she wants to know and just tell her the good side of her biological father. Other than that, don't put anything of your animosity towards him in the conversation. Plus, tell her the father she has now is 150% better than her biological dad.
2007-09-20 18:59:21 · answer #8 · answered by Equinox 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would go to a lawyer and get his parental rights terminated so your husband can then adopt her. When she is older you may want to explain that you and her father separated when she was very tiny and he believed it was best to let hhe man who would raise her be her Daddy. Do not bad mouth him. Do not make a big deal out of it. Treat it as if it was a very logical, normal thing to do and reinforce that your husand has been her Daddy since she was very tiny.
2007-09-20 18:32:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her from the begining. You don't want to have to tell her later on in life when the news will be so shocking and life altering. Just let her know in random little everyday chatter that her "daddy went bye bye" but she gets a new daddy who loves her very much.
2007-09-20 18:29:38 · answer #10 · answered by Alexa 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋