Been together since they were 12, been married 26 years, happiest couple anyone has ever seen, and I really mean that. I accidentally stumbled upon a website my dad was loggged into when I borrowed his computer one day. Apparently he is into things sexually (being dominated) that my mom won't hear of. Yes, they have sex often, unfortunatly I know this... but he is into this other stuff that he has to have fulfilled. I saw the emails between him and some local women and am about to loose it. I thought he was the perfect man, I vowed to marry someone just like my dad, I have more respect for him than anyone(or atleast I did). He's the perfect dad, husband, friend, and boss, all american dad. I can't believe this. I can't tell my mom cause literally she will die, and I know she will leave him (devout Christians.. yeah I know funny huh??) What do I do. I know for a fact my dad loves her more than anything and her him and I know its just sex. But its wrong!!! What should I do? Please HELP!!
2007-09-20 16:06:03 · 57 answers · asked by smith.isabella 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for all of your comments. I just wanted to add a couple things based on comments. I really did accidentally stumble upon this, seriously I wasn't snooping! I work for my dad(we are very close) and I borrowed his computer for a few and he left a tab open with this website that he was logged into and had some of these emails up. I would have never thought this would happen in a million years. Which is why I am even more shocked! My mom really doesn't know, she lives in a bubble and my dad owns his own business so he can come and go as he pleases and she would never know. Also, I am positive he is physically cheating, it's not just emails, I wanted to clarify that. I know my dad is only human, and he has a real problem and needs help. I guess based on the majority of answers I should talk to him about it and go from there. Thanks so much for all of your answers!
2007-09-20 17:14:09 · update #1
I wouldn't know what to do in this situation either. It's really tough. Maybe you have a priest or pastor you could talk to about it anonymously with? Like one from another city who you don't know. They could give you great advice.
2007-09-20 16:10:05 · answer #1 · answered by Igby 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I went through the same exact experience a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I sincerely hope you are dealing with this well because I know that I didn't. I also decided to keep it from my mother but I always thought that I should let him know that I knew so that he may possibly stop. I tried very hard to overcome the shame of the situationand finally tell him but I didn't. I probably didn't deal with it in the best way because now I just have come to accept it and put it out of my mind completely. It may be a little comforting to know that it has happened to someone else. I am 22 years old now and I would do anything to make sure that my younger siblings don't ever find out. I think it would help you to talk to someone about the situation, maybe not someone who knows your dad well. It's a really sticky situation and you will feel very uncomfortable around your dad now. I think you may want to try to let your dad know what you found out. It may be the thing that makes him end his behavior in fear of his secret being exposed. Good Luck and wish you all the best.
2007-09-20 16:23:41 · answer #2 · answered by *mimi* 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry but it is not up to you to deal and try to solve this problem. You are too involved in the situation. I know you think they have the perfect marriage, but look what's happening and your Dad has a real problem that requires professional help. Who knows............your mother may know something isn't right. Feel her out about your Dad. Say something like, "Is Dad okay. He's been acting strange lately." If she has an inkling...she may open up and let you know. This is a delicate situation, but your Dad needs hep and that's the most important thing right now. You may just be surprised at your Mom's resilience. That's a long time to be together and way too long at 12.
As girls , we all want to look up to our Dads, but know he is flawed and needs help. He's not the perfect man you thought he was. I married someone like my Dad and was married for 21 years aand it ended in a nasty divorce. My parents divorved llate in life and even though I was grown and a mother of three...........I was devastated.
Is there a female relative that is sensible and one you can confide in? Don't keep this to yourself as it will tear you apart. Your Mom won't die. Yes....it's devastating but It is best to not have a false sense of your parents. They are human and make mistakes......but your Dad's problem goes way beyond just a mistake. It's not just sex......it's a fetish and needs to be dealt with by a qualified professional. Either you tell your Dad what you know and ask him to get help or you talk to your Mom. This is a serious problem and will not just go away. Help your Dad for all of your sakes. I don't know your age so I don't know if you can handle talking to them. If you can't.......let a trusted family member handle it, Email Dr. Phil if you have to. If you type a search using Dr. Phil , it will bring you to his site. Email him and ask him for advice. This doesn't mean you have to be on the show. Your parents and yourself cannot live this lie. Best of luck and I am praying for you.
2007-09-20 16:27:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is wrong. And you should stop and do one thing before anything else. If you are a Christian, get on those knees and pray. Don't blame God. God gives us free will and He does not force any choices down our throats. Your dad made a decision and unfortunately this decision has been made by millions of men (and even women), Christians and non Christians alike. It is a problem and Satan loves these types of problems. His main thing is to break up families and tear us away from God.
This is a horrible place to be in and never easy. I agree that you should see your pastor or youth pastor even. If you trust them, that is. If not, please find a neutral, Christian leader whom you can trust. Speak to them and ask them to help you confront both of your parents. I would be more inclined to confront dad first with the help of a mediator. And when you confront him, tell him exactly what you told us and include exactly how you feel. Don't hold back your emotions. He needs to know exactly what you are dealing with and how it makes you feel. Then you need to tell him that he has "x" amount of days to tell your mother (vefore you tell her) and then to get help for the problem. He needs to be repentful and want to get help. But make sure that there are mediators for the situation. It will help there to be less hostility and more open conversation (even if most of it is yelled, cried or whatever). Make sure the mediator is neutral and won't interfere but help.
This is a lot to put on you but this is the best I could do.
My niece found some fishy stuff with my brother two years ago and she was hesitant to tell her mother but eventually she did. My sister in law had a hard time taking it at first, but soon after that, they were in church and my sister in law turned and saw hickies on my brother's neck and they certainly were not from her. That was the beginning of the end for them. But it was better out than in. Things held in explode worse the longer they are left stuffed in.
I will be praying for you and I will not stop. If you need a listening ear I'm here. Just message me.
I will do my best to help you.
I can't imagine what you are going through right now. But I know that God is bigger than any problem.
My best for you and your family during this time....
2007-09-20 16:25:10 · answer #4 · answered by Too Blessed To Be Stressed! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you... I say you confront him about it when you are calm and you know what you are going to say to him. I once read that it is good to confront people in the morning only because that are less defensive. So take him out one morning and tell him how you feel. I'm sure he will be a bit embarrased but at least he will come to his senses and realize how such a thing can impact others in the family. I don't know if there was any physical cheating (hope not) but sometimes man just do this sort of thing out of plain stupidity and it doesn't mean he doesn't love your mom. If there was physical contanct your mom cannot take the risk of getting some std. Good luck!
2007-09-20 16:17:30 · answer #5 · answered by jojo 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The same thing happened with my parents except my mom found out before I did and stuck with my dad trying to fix things for 2 years while he continued to cheat on her. The biggest mistake I ever made was not talking to my dad, telling him how I felt, and what a dumbass he was being. If I were you, I would honestly ask your dad when a good time to talk to him would be and then just sit down and tell him what happened. Tell him how you feel about it and how much it would hurt your mom if she knew. Then once you're done talking, I would give it a while to see what happens and see if it continues. If not, I would talk to your mom and have your dad sit there and tell her everything that happened but that it's better now. If he doesn't change, talk to him again and then tell you mom. It's a really crappy situation to be in, I know. I watched my parents marriage fall apart, but that was the worst thing to do.
2007-09-20 16:12:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all you need to know that this has nothing to do with you or your mom. It is about him. In the christian world we do look at things that are a bit different form the world's veiw of things. We do call this a sexual addiction. I would refer you to New Life MInistries here online, you can look them up. They do a lot with troubles in families and you can call their 800 number and get a live person to talk to and they can help you free of charge. He is not meaning to hurt you or your mom, and this does not mean he is a bad man....he is just having a problem with sex that we do not see as being too kewl. If he had a different illlness you would not take offence to it right? Like Diabetes? So, look at it like an illness and call New Life ministries and see what they tell you to do. I bet they help. O^O
2007-09-20 16:14:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would seek the help of a family friend first before confronting your dad about what you found if he isn't physically abusive; tell him he needs to get some help . I would try and get him to confront your mother with the news because she may not believe you initially. I was in a similar situation as a teenager with my father and the look I gave him after he knew I knew was enough for him to quit his ways. Don't beat yourself up about your Dad's sexual behavior because there are different sides to us all and everyone has their flaws. Good luck.
2007-09-20 17:06:19 · answer #8 · answered by JG 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you are overreacting. Just calm down and don't jump to conclusions. It will be very awkward for you and your parents if you falsely accuse him of cheating or going to cheat. What you may want to do, if you are super curious is latch yourself onto his side (when he's at home of course) and make several allusions to how he's the perfect role model and how you wish you had an OPEN, HONEST,and LOVING relationship like your parents do (emphasize the open, honest, and loving part). That should set the guilt train on track. But remember, just trust him. It may be nothing, but don't turn it into something.
2007-09-20 16:12:22 · answer #9 · answered by Sandra 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This has to be the worst thing to ever find out about one of your parents. He does not love your mother as much as you think, he is selfish and immoral, not to mention a out right liar and cheat. Can you get the computer again? Print enough info so that you can show your mom. This is not fair to her, what if he gives her an STD or worse AIDS. I know of couples in their late 50s and 60s finding out they were given AIDS by their cheating spouse. TELL HER, GIVE HER LOTS OF LOVE, HOLD HER HUG HER, LET HER KNOW YOU LOVE HER, BUT TELL HER THE TRUTH. Let GOD deal with your father.
2007-09-20 16:37:49 · answer #10 · answered by blackpearl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ack! Don't look at stuff like that! The stuff he writes online is probably not real to him and is just fantasy. The "local" women are probably just advertisements.
You need to respect his privacy and instantly look the other way when you stumble on a private thing, not keep looking. Don't worry, none of this has anything to do with you and I'm sure your Dad is as great as you say he is. Don't assume your mom is clueless either. None of us are.
2007-09-20 16:14:58 · answer #11 · answered by chuckyoufarley 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋