These delusions, such illusions
My mind is drowning, can't contain
Glass is shattering
Rain pitter, pattering
Knock, knock, knocking on imaginations door
I'm trapped within myself,
Growing is such pain
You walk away, you leave me crying
You used to love me,
You used to care
What happened to our memories?
What happened to our creation?
Such love and tenderness,
Gone, gone away
You used to show me whats it's like to be cared for,
Now it's nothing but arguments
Mind keeps growing can't contain
He's the illusationist,
Who made me believe
He's the illusionist,
Who made me believe
That there was someone out there for me...
That someone could be patient enough to care for me...
Can't bare the thought of losing you,
You say you want me,
Then prove it to me....
2007-09-20 15:48:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Just felt like adding more
Then prove it to me...
A little bit of flirting never hurt,
Look at me like you love me,
Use those eyes you know I can't resist,
Then prove it to me...
Because it would mean everything to me...
2007-09-20 16:01:30 · update #1
Wow, very, very nice.
You've def. got talent!
2007-09-20 15:55:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem starts off okay, although it's "pitter-pattering" and "imagination's", but you lose it after I'm trapped within myself. Why? Because you completely change direction...you start talking about a relationship on the rocks, but that was not the initial topic of the poem...or if it was, it was very obscure. If you want to keep all these thoughts in one poem, then break the poem after that line and start a new stanza...that way the reader understands you're starting a new thought.
You ask, "what happened to our memories"...I'm not sure that's what you meant to convey...the memories are still there, so you might be asking why the memories don't seem to matter. I'd also consider "gone, gone, gone away" to mirror "knock, knock, knocking" earlier in the poem.
After "Mind keeps growing" (put a comma there as well), you misspell "illusionist, then repeat the two lines...you need to delete the previous two lines and bring "that there was someone out there" into the same stanza.
There is also a logic error in you saying that you can't "bare" (it should be "bear" as "bare" means to be without clothes; this is called a malapropism) the thought of losing them, but you then say "then prove it to me"...if you can't bear the thought of losing them, they don't need to prove it, because if they don't, what will you do? Leave? Doesn't that create the situtation you can't bear? I would suggest a rewrite on that entire section so it conveys the right emotion and is not so conflicted.
...and keep writing
2007-09-25 22:48:20 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its good ..i liked it..but one complain dint take off the path in which u start the poem(as i always did)because the reader should imagine the poem as you move on with it..anyways good work..i have learned a different way of writing poem..
2007-09-28 07:33:40 · answer #3 · answered by sayali 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Quaint, a little to long for my taste, nice delivery and I would hold back from draing the reader to much, overall well done.
2007-09-24 12:30:40 · answer #4 · answered by kissaled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope you don't feel as neglected and rejected as your poem sounds.
Well written though.
2007-09-20 16:07:35 · answer #5 · answered by SnowWhite 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is very nice I like it :)
2007-09-21 06:12:19 · answer #6 · answered by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
s
2007-09-20 16:28:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How lovely, i liked it very much. :))
2007-09-22 00:37:15 · answer #8 · answered by dizzykatty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really liked it.
2007-09-20 15:52:26 · answer #9 · answered by kel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it :)
2007-09-20 16:07:39 · answer #10 · answered by m 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋