do you like this poem i wrote??? please read..?

Question

his eyes were a mix of green and blue
shining like the ocean
but rough
like the wild.
he stood there
conforming his body
reminding me of a fierce lion
standing on it's hind legs.
and there he stood
his tan skin glowing
against the dark night around us
he seemed so brave
not afraid
to jump off world's end.
yet when he came closer
he became scared and weak
and as I came closer
I felt understanding and fierce
though my heart was shivering.
we finished our
words. leaving
the conversation to be
left in the night air
i stood there
as his footsteps echoed
hoping for more.
but there was
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.



this is a free-verse i wrote. im right now 15 and have been writing poems as a child
please, opinions would be very appreciated
harsh criticism is welcomed also
thanks

and also, im using lucille clifton's writing technique.
very simplistic, no commas, or capitalization

Answer 1

Wow at the age of 15 that you wrote that! You are amazing to write that it is very calm yet beatiful. Affections are a beatiful thing to right about in poetry. Keep up the good work.

Answer 2

It's a very good short story. But, as I have told poetry students for over 40 years, writing a paragraph made up of a long run-on sentence and chopping it to pieces with the return key does not make it free verse poetry. It still must have rhythm and flow. The words must not be choppy and seemingly disjointed, no matter the subject. Make it flow, give it some semblance of a rhythm to draw in the reader to each successive word, breathe life into it, then it's poetry.

Answer 3

Very good. Could you be describing a real-life scenario with a young man whom you fancy and would like to be involved with romantically, yet this "lion" becomes a "frightened-cat" when it comes to approaching you in the way that you would like him to?

Answer 4

interesting style nice poem