I am NOT, by any means, a shallow person. I try soooo hard to see people on the inside, their true beauty, yet I STILL judge them by their looks off the bat. But I don't like to be that way at all!!! It drives me insane!!! I have always been a bit insecure, so do you think this adds to my problem? Please, don't take me the wrong way. I know that looks are nothing compared to personality. what can I do???
2007-09-20 15:37:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Hi Nenna,
Try to be comfortable about how you feel about people. This is not to be confused with feeling comfortable about people. This is feeling comfortable about one person, you. When you see certain people just feel how you feel. Do feel contempt, anger, fear, affection, disgust, loathing, envy, warmth, excitment? Whatever you feel they are your feelings and you're not a bad person for having them. There's the way pop culture and people around you say you should feel and then there's the way you really do feel. Relationships with people are a complicated mixture of feelings. Some good and some uncomfortable, painful feelings. Only in the movies, story books, and fantasy do we feel nothing but affection for people. Relationships with real people are messy complicated things. Sad but true.
There're also some voices in your head that are telling you that it's wrong to judge people by their looks. Where do these voices come from? Rather than struggling with the rightness or wrongness of it, something you can't possibly know because you can't call Jesus on the phone and ask him what he thinks about it, think more in terms of wether or not this is helping you get what you're looking for in life. Why do you judge by looks? Is this system of judgment keeping you from people who are bad for you and getting you close to those who are good for you, which is what judgement is supposed to do? And, once again, good and bad is determined soley by you. No one but you can tell you what kinds of people you enjoy being with or want to be around. If you really enjoy hanging out with supermodels then hang out with supermodels. If you really enjoy hanging out with computer nerds then hang out with computer nerds. It's up to you. Only by trying and going after things you think will make you happy, and then seeing if they really do make you happy, will your attitudes change and grow.
How important are looks to YOU? Answer this question. No one can give you this answer except for you. This answer may be different for you than it is for someone else. And experience and looking into your own heart is the only way to get this answer.
In my own personal experience, I judged people becuase I was afraid of them, and judging them kept me away from them. I was afraid of people because I knew that people will always, someday, take advantage of me or make be angry. And if I felt I couldn't express my anger and dissappointment at them then any close relationship was just too scary. But a life without real intimacy in it was pretty bleak. So I turned to imagery to try to fill the intimacy hole. I went for image rather than intimacy to try to fill the hole in my heart. I wanted to believe, and spent lots of energy trying to believe that getting things to look the right way would make me happy. Because that's all I had.
2007-09-21 06:57:18 · answer #1 · answered by LG 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There really is no way to fix it other then thinking what you want at first look but you can still talk to them and get to no them better and see that they might be really nice people on the inside..and that may help you in fixing the problem.. and insecure i don't think so because i also am but i have a lot of different friends where most people would judge them right away but they are the most caring people i have met.. good luck
2007-09-20 15:46:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try and get hold of a book by Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics .
It is probably the book that founded the self improvement industry.
He was a plastic surgeon who noticed the effect minor surgery could have on self esteem, even when the difference was unnoticable to anyone other than the patient.
Yet sometimes even the most radical change made no difference to the patient.
He developed treatment to allow patients to be happy with them selves.
One of the main points he makes is that you cannot give out more love than you feel for yourself, so you may well be right in your suspicion that your own insecurity is the cause of your problems.
Could be worth looking at simpleology - the science of getting what you want. Just google it.
2007-09-20 15:57:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're trying to change your personality and Yahoo! Answers is the wrong place to do that. You need a cognitive-behavioral therapist to help you change something like your personality. But from a psychological stand point, most before base first impression on looks. Everybody is more likely to view a good looking person in a favorable light.
2007-09-20 15:46:25 · answer #4 · answered by SPC Kenny B 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i think you're focusing so hard on not being a shallow person that you are being shallow. don't worry about labels behind your actions
almost everyone rates looks over personality. only asexual people don't. pretending like it's the other way around is shallow in it's own way. humans are physiologically and biologically more attracted to looks than they are to personalities.
sorry if my post sounded rude. didn't mean it to
2007-09-20 15:45:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
we are only human. if you ask me, it is normal behavior. you should get involved religiously if you are serious in changing your behavior.
ps: good on you for wanting to change!!
hope this helps.
2007-09-20 15:53:19 · answer #6 · answered by Milly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋