The affair is over, But he keeps her listed on facebook, He says he wants to work on it but isn't try at all, we are seeing a marriage consellor, says he wont beg for me, I have been doing all the work to put this back together, He hasn't said I LOVE YOU, He has become more cuddly but thats it, He just wants life the way it was and I don't want that any more, We own a house and I don't work if I do its retail, I'm 26.
2007-09-20 09:35:39 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do I stay or do I go?
Should I stay for the kids?
What should I do?
2007-09-20 09:37:15 · update #1
Oh! and it was a 2 night affair and they keep talking till he told me about the affair, which took lots of probing to find out.
2007-09-20 09:38:31 · update #2
Never stay for the kids. He doesn't love you. You need to get out now.
2007-09-20 09:39:01 · answer #1 · answered by RedRabbit 7 · 5⤊ 2⤋
Staying for the kids is reasonable and honorable, you're amazing for trying to work through this for their best interests. The problem is he doesn't seem to feel guilty or remorse for his incredibly hurtful actions. This rebuilding should not be all up to you. There's a good chance this affair is still happening.
My suggestion, see a divorce lawyer, have him served and removed from your home. If he doesn't show the desire to work this out after that then be done with him. Your 26 and plenty young enough to move on. If he's not willing to see you for the wonderful person you are and work his butt off to get you and his family back then he's not worth it. Make him pay and take him for all you can. Wish you the best.
2007-09-20 10:18:03 · answer #2 · answered by Phil 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course he keeps her listed. He has no intention of changing. He wants both; to "have his cake and eat it too." He does so because he knows you will TOLERATE it. You haven't insisted that he follow through, and when he didn't you didn't back up your ultimatum with action.
He says he won't "beg for you?" If he truly loved you, it wouldn't be begging! And what he is doing isn't love. Is that how you think those who love others treat them?
Of course you are doing all the work! He has no intention of changing. He is only mouthing words to placate you. And you've suckered for it time and again. Remember the old saying, "ACTIONS speak louder than words." All he's done is make empty promises and fail to fulfill them. His actions are far different from his hot air.
Like it or not , there's a power dynamic in every relationship. The best ones are where each person is approximately equal in power. And money/finances are power. It's obvious that he thinks he has all the power in the relationship because he brings home the money and you don't. So if you want to keep your free ride, you'll have to tolerate the crap. That's the price you pay for the luxury of sitting on your butt and staying at home instead of having to go to work.
If you won't tolerate his crap anymore, then it's time to stop breeding more dependents and start working. Get a full-time job and support yourself and your kids. He'll have to pay child support.
So stop whining and asking why he isn't acting like Prince Charming. And stop expecting him to earn your living for you and/or make you happy. That's your job. Fairytales, like Cinderella, are for children. You are an adult.
2007-09-20 10:06:07 · answer #3 · answered by D 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You should not stay for the kids.That is disaster waiting to happen.Ask yourself some questions.Because only you know the answers to them.
Do you still love him?Do you think he was sincere about his mistake and not wanting to do it again?Do you feel you can trust him to be faithful again?
All those are questions that you need to answer.If he is not willing to say i love you.Then maybe he dont love you.
Also maybe you should ask why he cheated.Not that it is your fault in any way.Being a guy that has cheated before.There are reasons why we do it.Me I wasnt getting the sex I thought I deserved.Cough,cough.No excuse,but what I am saying is.See if you can get him to open up to you and tell you why he cheated.Dont take no reason as a reason.Because it is not.
Also I would demand that he get her off his facebook.That tells me that it is not over.Even if it is for right now.What happens the next time those bells go off in his head.
Good luck darling
2007-09-20 09:50:38 · answer #4 · answered by kenneth h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not stay for the kids. I think people use that as an excuse because they just don't want to face facts. Normally, I'd say to try and work it out. But, based on your info, it seems that he has no interest in taking responsibility for what he did, nor does he wish to keep his family. He should be begging you for forgiveness for ruining his family. Instead, he sounds irritated that he has to be there. Staying "for the kids" will teach your children that moms can be abused and used by dads and they will probably repeat the behavior, whether it be his or yours. Don't for a minute think he won't try it again-sounds like he is tied up in himself. Get out, get good legal counsel, and be prepared for a hard road. You will be making a sacrifice that is going to teach your children about respecting family, themselves, and how to stand on their own two feet. One day, they will thank you. One day, you will be proud of yourself for taking a stand.
2007-09-20 09:52:29 · answer #5 · answered by Katie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you should not stay and you should not stay for the kids. The kids know what is going on and they know that the only reason that you would stay together is because of them and even though you do not want them to know what is going on they sense that things have change and that maybe that all the arguing you do is their fault, but you have to let them know that you love them and that what ever happens that you will always love them and that it is not their fault. No matter what you say you have to let them know the truth and let them decide how they should feel instead of letting them hate each of you for what each off you did. Staying for them will not change the situation and will not make him want to be there and even if he tried you will always hate him for what he done and how he made you feel and the happiness you share and had is gone. You have to move on for you and for your kids and have to show him that you are independent and will find someone that will love you for you and accept your kids and show them the same in return.
2007-09-20 09:46:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Im not sure if im answering your question or just commenting but......My wife (now Ex) and I have 3 kids and was married for 12 years before she cheated on me. She cheated yet i wanted her back so bad...I truely do and did love her. The cheating and the affair lasted 3 monthes..I divorced her immediately but took her back when the grass wasnt greener for her. This occurred in 2004...I would and did do everything to try to keep her happy and our family together. She promised never to do it again, yet i did not and do not rust her...she cheated again in 2006 and April of 2007. She does not want commitment. She said she relizes no man will love her as much as I do or will do as much for her a me, but she says love isnt enough. Before i moved out in April, I told her that her and the kids are my life and she said, "Thats pathetic".
My son lives with me in Missouri and our daughters with her in Iowa. The betral is overwelming...I always wonder why???she has done this.
My advice to you is let him go.....you will be his door mat...He will use you till her thinks something else is better???
You are going to experience alot of pain either way....But dont get used like I was...Im so hurt and bitter for the way i was used........He made his choice..but I know its hard to let them go and easy for them to use us.
2007-09-20 09:50:45 · answer #7 · answered by Bob d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
never ever ever stay with a man because of the kids u do them more harm than good by staying somewhere u dont want to be seems to me like your life will never be the same again the trust wont ever be 100 percent there and seems to me you are doing all the work like u said if he wanted it he would try harder and take her off his list on facebook leave him divorce him and either get the house in the deal or sell it and move hes not worth it and you deserve so much better good luck
2007-09-20 09:45:31 · answer #8 · answered by rhodeislandbornandraised 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you know if your better together or apart ... you will have to decide how this will affect the kids either way.
Rule of thumb ... the affair is a symptom or a much larger problem ...... find out what the problem is before you treat the symptom ..... some problems can be fixed ... others .. ya just need to walk away from.
Base your decision on the effort required, if he helps, and the welfare & happiness of all (including the kids).
Good Luck, Be Safe !
2007-09-20 09:42:20 · answer #9 · answered by John 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It takes two to work on a marriage, if he is unwilling to work on it then proceed with the divorce. The therapist or you should be calling him out on this and confronting him on why he is not trying.
It sounds like he checked out of the marriage awhile ago and does not have enough character to make a decision.
I am sorry you are going through this, stay in therapy for yourself.
Good luck.
2007-09-20 09:49:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go. If he isn't trying then it isn't worth keeping. He cheated, he needs to work his butt off. Cheating is a form of lying and a very selfish behavior. It doesn't sound like he is trying. I know it is tough but you will feel better about yourself and be better for the kids if you get out of the situation.
Single dad of three who's ex did similar stuff
2007-09-20 09:41:09 · answer #11 · answered by Bob D 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋