Will my wife be able to get over her anger and resentment about how lonely I made her feel?

Question

My wife is still angry at me for some of my habits that I have not rid myself of since my residency. During that time I had put my career before her and our kids and I had a short temper. I tried to change those habits after residency but the process has been too slow for her.
So she has moved our kids with her far away to her hometown. My deployments obviously have not helped any.
I have vowed to ensure that I prioritize my wife and our kids above me now that my surgical training is over and to ensure that my wife will not feel alone again and that we will make decisions together as a couple.
Furthermore, all her affection has disappeared from her correspondence to me. She denies having an affair and I trust her still.
Will my wife ever get over her anger and resentment and can I do anything to expedite that process? Should I still continue to give expressions of affection toward her and just bear the pain that I feel when she does not reciprocate?

Answer 1

It may take some time, but you have to realize that women, especially mothers, look at their children and feel anguise over the pain caused to them. She is likely not still angry with you because of how she felt but because of how you made the children feel. Start by fixing the relationship with your children. If their is love still there then your wife will come around eventually, but if not then you will at least regain her trust and respect.

Answer 2

If you think there is still a chance for you as a family, put all your energy into showing her just that. It's hard, I know... I grew up a Dr.'s child and married a military man (lots of deployments). But if she knows w/o a doubt how you feel about her and the kids, it might make her change her mind. If she has already left the relationship, then I don't know if you can do anything about it. You can't make someone love you, and frankly, that would be to hard on the kids. If you two are past the point of reconciliation, then work on being friends. My dad was divorced and it helped so much that he and my mother remained friends after their divorce. I grew up with two loving parents that cared for me and that still cared for each other as friends.
It sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and have a long talk. Good luck.

Answer 3

You should realise that your life is in your own hands, and that you are only in this situation through choice. Either find ways to be more tolerant or accept that this relationship is not for you and do something about it. Don't just sit there in a rut, complaining but doing precisely nothing about it. Violence isn't the answer, you already know that I'm sure. If you smack someone they won't respect you, at best they'll fear you. If you honestly feel that angry on more than rare occasions then it's time to get yourself out of this relationship before you do something stupid.

Answer 4

Sounds like problems with your marriage for years. Vowing is crap. She must have moved far away with the kids for a reason.... Doesn't sound like you have been treating them very well...you better rid your bad habits....whatever they are. do some self evaluation... No divorce yet so there is still a chance. Try talking to her. Depending on what made her this angry and resenting you will depend on if and how long she takes to get over it. Doubt it was just 'training' that made her mad.

Answer 5

Remember, Doctor, actions speak louder than words. Why should she believe anything you say now when everything you've done in the past is contrary to your current promises? Would you believe you with your history? I wouldn't. Still, she hasn't filed for divorce, so your marriage can be saved. But you've got to stop talking and start DOING. You've got your work cut out for you now.

Get off the computer -- now -- and get on a plane. Go to your wife and kids, as soon as possible. When you get there, don't start with the promises of how you're going to change your behavior. Live them. Be the husband and father she wants you to be, don't just talk about it. Romance her, like you did when you first started dating. Take her on dates, bring her flowers, everything you would do if you were trying to win her love, because that's what you're doing. Take her and the kids out on a picnic, and play with them, talk to them, and listen to them. Let them ride you like a horse. Play catch with them. Push them on the swings.

How long do you have to do all this? Only until you die. If you're ready to assume that responsibility, you should be in business. But if you're only willing to do it until your cell phone rings, you might just save everyone the heartache of a failed reconciliation and call it quits now. Unless you're willing to change your priorities -- for good -- this will not work. Understand that this does NOT mean that you cannot be the best doctor you can be, only that you make it up to your family each and every time your work takes you away from them, that's all.

You have to show her that you can be a husband, a dad, and a doctor -- in that order. Eventually, she'll either realize that you're true to your word and worthy of her affections, or she'll remain embittered and unavailable to you. Either way, you'll lie in the bed that you've made for yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 6

My ex-husband is an attorney and worked long hours, which didn't help the marriage. But I did all I could do to keep the marriage & sex life alive, teased him any chance I could get. No matter how much I tried (in and out of the bedroom), his affection disappeared. Found out after the divorce he had many ladies on the side....now I just live & love freely, life is too short to stress...get over her, if you need help, call me :)

Answer 7

It sounds as if you and your wife have to re-evaluate on how to treat one another. You at least are trying, she is being inpatient. She just might be having a hard time being convinced that you will change. Her resentment is to give up and get angry which is not a good attitude to take. She is sort of behaving like a child who is mad for not getting their way. She needs to start acting like a married woman and begin to face the problems with you as a couple. All I can see that will help with this problems is marriage counselling. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 8

i understand why you did what you did. but she should have understood that also. but apparently she has not. i am not sure if you can redeem yourself. i mean its entirely up to you. do you love her that much with her being as ugly as she is to you now. if you can still say yes then i would keep trying until it stops it could be long while or nver get over it which is worse i guess. one parnter still disliking another for trying tomake a good live its hard to swallow especially when it appears you did not talk much to her about all this mess what do you wan tto do? if you feel its not worth being treated this way so long then suggest you end it but there is chidl support take care.

Answer 9

if you love her, you would do your very best to change, residency can take a long time and doesn't sound like she understand you need that time to have a career in the future. if she truly loves you, she would be more patient.

my bf lives w/me and he's a lawyer (litigator), he is often researching and typing briefs and sometimes i feel neglected but i know he's in the next room and when he gets a chance, he gives me kisses. i know that you probably spend alot of time in the hospital and she's lonely at home w/the kids but time will pass and you will have all the time for her later on. My aunt is a dr and she spend many yrs in residency and my bf's father is a neurosurgeon so i understand.

Answer 10

you made some tough choices.....
if your marriage is to survive, then those are choices that you and her must forgive.
continue to be afffectionate in your correspondence and start doing everything you can think of to sweep your wife off her feet. send her flowers, write her long heartfelt letters. take pictures of yourself and write to her about what you're doing and tell her that it's not the same without her in your life.

you have a lot of time to make up for and you need to keep chipping away at the wall that she has put up.
i'm sure she still loves you, but you hurt her deeply and that will take time.

you're a surgeon, right???
imagine a 6 hour sub-total gastrectomy.....
-not an everyday operation
-you must make a game plan and follow it
-it takes time
-your body will get uncomfortable
-you will have something invaluable in your hands
-you must take your time and go slow....make sure you don't make any more unnecessary cuts along the way....
-take out the bad part.....
-fix what's left
-sew it up and be there for your patient when they wake up....
you're performing surgery on your marriage.....you can't just say you're going to open it up and fix it....you ahve to get your hands dirty.

my point....what happened is forgivable, but you have to mean what you are saying about putting them first...SHOW no tell.....SHOW!

take care:)