I have been seeing this boy for approx 3 years, he is a great guy both of us at the time we starting see each other were just coming out of bad marriages and agreed that we never wanted to get married again. Well as you should have guessed I really care for this guy and I am now regretting ever stating that I never wanted to get married again because I do believe that he is the guy for me. We do not live together at this time and whenever I ask him where he sees himself 4 years from now he states that he cannot predict the future and is not sure. I know that he does not want to get married and I think I may be alright with that but it also seems like he wants no commitment at all at times. When I ask him if he does not want to get married to me because he is waiting for something better he gets very defensive and states yeah sure that is what I am waiting for and changes the subject. SOOOOO I guess my question is what does everyone think of this!!!
2007-09-20 08:08:32 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sooo from what I am reading I would like to thank you all for your answers just so you know he has told me he cares about me, he does consider me to be his girlfriend - I guess maybe I to am worried about getting hurt again. I will talk to him about how I feel and leave it at that. just so you all know he has a very hard time showing his feelings or talking about them. IF this clue sheds anymore light on the situation please respond. But thanks for the great advice.
2007-09-20 09:09:29 · update #1
I have been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and we talk about our future together, we dont plan on marriage yet but we have stated our commitment to eachother and we do live together now. If this guy doesn't even want to take that "living together step" with you I would consider leaving him and setting off alone for a while. No one should feel the way you do, if you cant openely talk to him about this maybe your not as close a coulple as u though. You have to be able to communicate your feelings with him. 3 years is along time to give your full self to someone and if he isn't in this with you, then your better off finding someone who is willing to go to war with you. Also, if you think he is the one you need to tell him exactly what your feeling. He should be beside you.
2007-09-20 08:16:02 · answer #1 · answered by Essa L. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I am not sure what the age involved is so, all I can say is marriage left a bad taste in his mouth. Also, I don't know how long each of you was single after both of you got together. It sounds like this could have been a rebound on both sides but lasted way longer than they usually do. When you ask him where he sees himself in the future, you're hoping he will say with you and that is not what he is answering. He is not ready to settle down again. Now, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything for you I mean afterall you two have been together for 3 years. Commitment is not in his near future and you just have to accept that. Don't continue to nagg and ask the same question just let it go. Take your relationship for what it is...don't expect anything and you wont be dissappointed. Ride it 'til the wheels fall off.
2007-09-20 15:24:21 · answer #2 · answered by Mona 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you may have hit the nail on the head. He's not ready for a commitment with YOU. If after three years he still cannot see the future with you in it, then he is not trying to have a future with you in it.
I'm glad you're not living with him because this would be harder to take, but the truth is you have given this three years of your life and you have recovered from the past. He has not. You are ready to embrace a new future. He still has one eye on the door.
You need to sit him down and have a long talk about this. If he gets defensive again, then you have your answer and you should end it right there and then. It may very well be time to move on. Don't waste any more years on someone who can't make a commitment or who won't at least even discuss it.
2007-09-20 15:15:56 · answer #3 · answered by JD 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
coming out of a bad marriage is very traumatizing because someone might never learn how to trust the other person anymore or worse have that love disappear...but it also depends on how bad the relationship is for two people to decide its over...from what i can tell from your boyfriend is that he's still having a hard time commiting again since the last one failed, and the agreement of never wanting to settle down and married to each other stuck to mind..he's still at a loss of whether this one would work or would it end up the same way as the first one did..give him time to think things over..i know you've waited 3 yrs for the answer, but if you think that you could no longer wait for another year, tell him straight to the point that its better that you end up the relationship rather that expecting something that might not happen, this might wake his brains out and also his heart
2007-09-20 15:21:41 · answer #4 · answered by ~LoViNg MoM n WiFe~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His defenses are still up from the first marriage. He doesn't want to go thought that again so he would let him get near that place of complete commitment again. I know it's been 3 years but ease him into it. Try spenting more night at his place and make you own little area there for your stuff. Then start talking about living together first. It'll show whether or not you guys can handle that. Cause if you can't live happily together then you both DEFINITELY know not to get married. I dont know him you do. What does your gut and your heart tell you? You may know the answer but your try to change it.
2007-09-20 15:21:03 · answer #5 · answered by Angel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am going through the same thing except I live with my boyfriend. He told me he never wants to marry and so I agreed, never realizing that I would fall this in love with him. I have had two bad marriages and so has he and right now I feel as if we are both happy and that should be enough. In fact the only time I think of marriage is when I first become unhappy with him about another issue...you might want to take a step back and see if that is what you are doing.
Marriages fail all the time, I see married people who are so unhappy and not honest or caring with one another, many couples don't even have $ex anymore. You need to look at the upside and the downside of it all. Be happy with what you have and count your blessings, make it known to him that you do see marriage in your future.
I told my boyfriend that I eventually want a "I will never marry you ring" LOL I told him...I can go without the marriage but I still want a pretty diamond to tell everyone that I am taken.
I feel your pain, but what I suggest is to count your blessings and if you are in a good relationship then let that be enough for now and don't pressure him because you want him to WANT to marry you because that is his choice and not because you guilted him into it.
Good luck.
2007-09-20 15:16:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you are approaching the situation the wrong way and are being too sensitive. Women tend to do that, i do, get too sensitive and take things to heart when they really aren't that bad. So when you feel like that try to calm yourself and see things for what they really are. Now this guy obviously wants to be with you thats why a) he makes those remarks (it upsets him that you doubt him) and b) you guys have been together for 3 years. Why don't you just straight out ask him and see what he says but do it in a good time/place. Don't say it all emotional either just as a simple question. My cousin got out of a bad relationship and she usto swear up and down to never-ever get married but now she does cause she met a great guy and i am sure your guy is in the same place too. Be honest and tell him, don't get too sensitive, don't jump to conclusions and be happy if he is good to you.
2007-09-20 15:16:51 · answer #7 · answered by 2legit2quit 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you were crazy for creating a pathway for a "non-committed" relationship. Quit being so vague. Come right out and tell him that when you first met each other, you were still raw from your divorce and truly felt you never wanted to experience pain like that again. However, now that it's been 3 years, you feel that he is the one and you do want to get married to him. Ask him point blank, "how would you feel about us getting married". Do you still feel sore from your prior marriage or do you feel like I do? If he says, nah, I don't feel like ever getting married, then you'll know what to do. Move on.
2007-09-20 16:10:57 · answer #8 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My relationship started out very similar, we both came out of bad marriages, his worse and he had alot of baggage.
He didn't want kids because he had 2 and I don't have any and we didn't ever plan on marrying. We came close to breaking up a few times. He didn't want to consider us as boyfriend and girlfriend, finally he admitted he had feelings for me and we moved in, 2yrs ago I couldn't take his crap anymore and was about to carry my last box out of the house. He broke down and cried said he loved me and but didn't think he was good enough. Was afraid he'd be a jerk like he used to be.
It's been 4yrs now, we take it a day at a time, we may get married within 2yrs. We love each other but we don't want to repeat our past mistakes.
Your guy might be scared, are you on different pages. Does he love you, care about you, or does he consider you just a friends with benefit. Does he consider you his girlfriend, refer to you both as a couple or does he avoid this.
If he's vocalized his feelings for you and considers you as partners then he may eventually want to marry you or at least move in together and go on from there.
Communication,
From my past I've found you can't ask off beat questions with guys, there's no beating around the bush, witch I'm famous for, its best to be direct. Tell him how you feel, and ask him what he feels about it.
2007-09-20 15:39:58 · answer #9 · answered by Missy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation....both of us were previously married. We dated for eight years before we finally got married. The biggest piece of advice I have for you is DO NOT bring up marriage anymore. It will happen when and if it is supposed to. Ya gotta use a bit of reverse psychology with the whole marriage thing. The more you talk about it the more it freaks 'em out. Also, if he ever does ask you, won't it mean more to you if he is asking you because it is what he wants and not because you kept asking him to ask you? If your relationship is strong as is, let the marriage thing go..."if it isn't broke, don't try to fix it" kinda thing. Just enjoy one another...you don't have to be married to have a happy life together. Good luck to you and have patience....he will ask when he is ready and you shouldn't want him to before he is.
2007-09-20 15:19:37 · answer #10 · answered by in2one 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋