2007-09-20 08:06:23 · 20 answers · asked by Just Me! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ask your husband/wife.... not us.... your spouse deserves honesty... and then they should decide if they want to work through it with you.... sorry! (well not really.... i don't like cheaters!)
2007-09-20 08:10:40 · answer #1 · answered by chrysteena 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is completely up to the person you hurt... If you are truly sorry you probably could get past it, it really depends on your relationship and how strong it is.. Before you both can get past it though, you will both need to get to the root of the problems in your relationship to see why you even felt the need to have an affair You also have to be willing to understand that the person you hurt is going to have alot of trust issues and that no matter how much you apologize and ask for forgiveness it will take time and you may never completely gain all the trust back. Affairs are th ultimate betrayel in a relationship. I just hope your sincere.. If you have any doubts of being faithful from here on out you should probably save you both the pain and get out now.
2007-09-20 15:22:47 · answer #2 · answered by luckygirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on many different things. First.....does your spouse know about it?
If not...then YES you can save your marriage, but before you do, you need to do some serious communicating.
If they DID find out, it's in their court. It depends on what happened and the type of person you married. You very well should have put the effort you spent looking for someone else into your relationship.
2007-09-20 15:12:49 · answer #3 · answered by wentfishing2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're all eaten up with guilt, aren't you?
I've been there.
You just have to cover your tracks, and put it out of your mind. You may be scared of her finding out. You've got to let that go. It will take time, but you'll get over the fear.
You can save your marriage, but you have to refocus on her. Tell her you're sorry you haven't been paying enough attention to her lately, and take her out on a date or two.
A nice restaurant, or a night at theater, or both can spice things up.
The thing you have to ask yourself is; why did you do it?
Is there something you weren't getting that you were missing? Try to address that need or you'll be tempted to cheat again. And I don't think you want that.
2007-09-20 15:15:11 · answer #4 · answered by Picasso 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everybody wishes for something that they can't have and unfortunately for you when your husband finds out you cheated you'll be wishing you hadn't cheated in the first place.
2007-09-20 15:13:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can but it will take work and possibly marriage counseling. A good website to look at is marriagebuilders.com
Good luck
2007-09-20 15:24:30 · answer #6 · answered by Willow 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
from what i understand that if u close ur eyes and wish real hard and u click ur heels three times it will go away and yes u will be able to save ur marriage
2007-09-20 15:12:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The ball is in your spouse's court now. Only the betrayed spouse knows if they can live with the pain, embarrassment and feelings of rejections that your affair may have left them with.
You can do what is necessary to start to rebuild trust. It will be a slow process. You will need to live under the microscope for a while if your wife is willing to give this a try. You did the damage to your word and severely damaged her trust in you. Start by totally ending any and all contact with the other person. No ending it nicely, no continued friendship. Get your priorities straight, if you want your marriage, then it comes first. Then, make your life an open book, be transparent. Any deception you are found in will be a set back. Be open with your communications. Be accountable for your time. Gradually, your spouse will trust you again. It will take patience on your part. Just remind yourself why your spouse feels this way.
Take a deep look within yourself as to why you got into this mess in the first place. There are lots of superficial 'excuses' we use to rationalize and justify our actions. You cannot blame your spouse, as the choice was yours, you could have found other ways to deal with problems. Take full responsibility. Nothing makes a spouse want to leave you faster than being blamed for your horrible choices. All relationships have problems, children to raise, household chores, bills to pay, etc! That's real life.
Seek some resources. You cannot just sweep this under the rug, the problems will fester. Be compassionate and honest with your spouse when asked questions, you might hear them over and over as they try to deal with this big puzzle that their life has become. It is an emotional trauma. Look for a counselor that is certified in couples counseling and has some experience with infidelity, make sure that their goal is to help the marriage recover also. Counselors are like any other people, they have their own values.
Marriages DO survive this horrible trauma if both are willing to hang in and deal with the problems. It may not be easy. You cannot just expect them to "forgive and forget", that's just not realistic. Demands such as "lets just move on and not live in the past" tend to not go over very well either. Short of a lobotomy, that is not possible. One study by Peggy Vaughn showed that couples who discussed the affair and problems fully had a more successful recovery in the long run.
Keep telling your spouse of your regrets, you can't say I'm sorry enough. Your spouse might not believe you and doubt your love, but just keep proclaiming it. Show your grief over your actions by seeking help for your marriage to heal. You might meet lots of hurt and anger, a whole roller coaster of emotions as your spouse tries to deal with this mess.
It's up to you to show that you can work to understand yourself and the weaknesses that lead you to this self indulgent behavior. It was a selfish choice. Work on building stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage. Your spouse is not going to believe much if you say "I know I will not do this again" at first, as you didn't have the right to indulge in this betrayal to begin with. You will need a plan, not just words.
Some marriages that survive a trauma like this report becoming stronger than ever over time. Not because of the affair, but due to the intense effort that it takes to rebuild from the damage. If you have children, it's worth the effort.
Not all marriages will survive. Give this time and take it one day at a time. Encourage your spouse to get support also.
Below are some on line support groups that can be helpful and encourage you in this process, for both the wayward and betrayed spouse. I suggest you both use a different board, so you have a place to vent and not use the board for your own agenda to try to get to your spouse.
Pray together aloud, if that is part of your life. It can be comforting.
Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
"Hedges,Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it" by J. Jenkins.
2007-09-20 20:34:49 · answer #8 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to have patients with your spouse. It can take a very long time to forgive you, if you are really sorry then you will wait.
2007-09-20 15:14:19 · answer #9 · answered by viviancmt@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on how the other person in your life feels and reacts when you tell them.
2007-09-20 20:55:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes.
2007-09-20 15:10:23 · answer #11 · answered by Hitheeeeer! 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋