My wife and I have been trying to get into the swinger scene for awhile now, and she has always been reluctant. Now that we are getting more involved in it, and things are starting to happen, she is the one doing everything and I am left on the sidelines. She claims she is doing it for me, but refuses to let me join in, and when it seems like I might be, now she cuts it off. I want it to be about us, and cant understand why she would want to do anything and not involve me. She tells me that she doesnt want to feel left out of any situation, but then leaves me out. What's a guy to do?
2007-09-20 05:39:59 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
go with it!!! your wife honestly at first thought she was doing it for you but deep down now she is the one that is getting off to it and she is still reluctant 2 see you with others that is why she has turned this into "me & my needs" i say just start joining in and if she gets mad or stops just keep going she needs to understand in order to have a strong sexual realationship with your/ her husband she must be willing to enjoy the WHOLE experiance about swinging that encludes you getting to join in and gettting off
good luck
talk to her and give her some time
set some rules
that is what me and my hubby did and we have a blast!!! :)
2007-09-20 09:15:11 · answer #1 · answered by summerbliss 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
If you had done more research before you decided on this you would have found that this is quite a common complaint.
(1) You stated that "she was always reluctant". That should have been your clue to stop nagging or pushing the issue. Now that you've gotten what you wanted, you must live with the consequences. The signs were there but you chose to ignore them.
(2) In future, if someone tells you they aren't comfortable with something - especially, something that will most likely change the dynamics of your relationship completely - then RESPECT THAT.
(3) Maybe the reason why she could "want to do something and not include you" is because she is probably enjoying a sex life for the first time on her terms and not from someone trying to control the situation or force their wants onto her and disregard her feelings or thoughts on the matter.
(4) Sorry, but you don't have my sympathy and the only thing for you to do now is to try to salvage your relationship with your wife or leave her to be single.
(5) It is EXTREMELY RARE for swinging to last in a relationship for the very reasons you stated in your post. Yes, there are people who have understandings but it is rare.
2007-09-20 05:51:24 · answer #2 · answered by KD 5 · 4⤊ 6⤋
You guys need to sit down and talk about what aspects you want to be involved in. It sounds like she's wanting you to be in a voyeuristic role but you want the two of you to be simultaneously having sex with the same person/couple. Maybe she would be fine with you have sex with someone while she is having sex with someone else but just doesn't want the both of you to be having it with the same person.
It's important that the communication stays open or your swinger lifestyle will eventually turn into you feeling like she is having affairs. You are already feeling resentment over this.
You would probably get better suggestions from more established swinging couples. This area is very narrow minded when it comes to appropriate sexual behavior (i.e.only after marriage with your spouse)
2007-09-20 06:20:04 · answer #3 · answered by Manny 4 · 4⤊ 3⤋
This is a very Sexual Hot Question Topic about husbands and wives into the swinger business. Hmm...Sounds interesting. Maybe I should try that with my wife. haha
2007-09-20 11:28:02 · answer #4 · answered by pain_of_unhappiness 2 · 0⤊ 5⤋
The cat is out of the bag. The best I can advise is that you follow the links I provide and discuss them with your wife. ALSO, considering how poorly your experiment is going you will want to heavily discuss making the relationship monogamous again.
Your marriage lacks trust and communication. Not good.
2007-09-20 05:50:32 · answer #5 · answered by Poppet 7 · 0⤊ 4⤋
Well for one stick to your wife and stop doing the other.
God put man on earth to be with one woman and the woman to be with one man, if you guys chose the swinger life then you don't need to be married whats so ever. To each thier own but, you and she married each other not everyone else and it's going to cause problems because it's not supposed to be happening.
2007-09-20 05:49:14 · answer #6 · answered by angel 4 · 2⤊ 6⤋
My husband and I have been in this type of situation. We decided to try the swinging scene, together, without one of us pressuring the other. The first time we were with another couple, my husband really got upset. Even though he was just as involved with the other couple, he still really freaked out afterward. We really had to talk about it. Then, as time went by, that is all he wanted. Even through two planned pregnancies (his children -- we used protect w/others & the dates correspond to being with only him) we continued with the swinging lifestyle. I, however, was really done with it about a year after we started, and really, I didn't care to do it anymore. I did continue doing it for him, and it was something I wasn't interested in doing anymore -- it wasn't arrousing anymore. I grew up and realized that it wasn't a positive lifestyle for us or for our growing family. For instance, when our 2 week old baby came home from the hospital, he chose to go to swing with another couple, instead of being home with us.
This is when I requested that we stop. I gave him the option of continuing his lifestyle and leave me out of it completely.... we would not be together anymore.... or stopping and being part of our great family. He chose to stop. It wasn't easy and he continued to talk about it and even try to arrange meetings with others, for about a year. I have made it clear that it isn't what I want and he has the option to move on if that is what he wants to do.
Another thing to consider is that you really do need to have well defined rules or limits. We had very distinct rules and limits. For instance, some of our rules included -- open communication, we could only do as much as the other one was allowed to do, always ask the other couple their rules, meet the other couple and the wives/husbands have to talk on the phone prior to meeting, always use protection, always be prepared with protection (do not rely on the other couple), some things were reserved to only be done together, 3 somes were allowed but prior notice was given, when one wants to stop then stop, etc.... So we did enter into this is with a "mature" attitude. This still doesn't make it right, nor does it mean that it is something that should have to continue.
Together, we are fine, but things will never be the same. Our relationship changed in ways that it can never recover, but we work at it everyday. I think back to all that we did and it really disgusts me now. I wish we wouldn't have ventured into that lifestyle. It really didn't bring much to our relationship. For awhile, we felt closer to each other because we had the attitude that if one of us were feeling good, then the other one did too.
There was never a jealousy thing between us and there is still no jealousy. It was just something that we tried and I realized that it was not healthy for us. I do not recommend it. I know it works for some people, but I think it is a very big mistake.
From all of the people that we know/knew from that very active lifestyle, there are many more problems that come from it than not.
If your wife respects you, she will understand your feelings. After all, this is supposed to be about both of you. There is a lack of respect for each other and your marriage. There is no reason why people have to go outside their marriage for sex. I'm not sure if you just want more action, and are jealous that she is doing more, or if you want to stop the activity. Either way, there is selfishness from both of you. There will never be a perfect balance and if you do think there is, then there is something not right with the marriage itself.
Neither of you are thinking of the long term stresses and problems that arise, nor are you subjecting your bodies to a healthy lifestyle. Oh... big deal... so you get to have sex with other people... wow! Such an accomplishment.... really.... and such an amazing, exciting adventure!
Get real, real couples that respect each other don't need to go outside of their relationship to find excitement and pleasure.
You created this problem and now you aren't happy. I guess you learned your lesson the hard way. Perhaps, once you suggested and finally convinced your wife to participate in this lifestyle, your wife felt as if you took away the sanctity of your marriage. Maybe she feels that the special bond that you two had, wasn't important to you because of your obsession to swing. Maybe it changed her and she doesn't hold that part of your marriage as special anymore.
Statistically, most marriages fail in these situations. If your marriage really matters to both of you, you will find a resolution and will work through this.
2007-09-20 06:35:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 8⤊ 1⤋
The flat answer is you gave her a license to cheat and cheating is what she's doing. I do not agree with the swinger lifestyle but if she's leaving you out or not letting you partake is that really swinging? Apparently it sounds as if she loves the swinging style from her end. You pushed across that line and I don't know if anything could bring you and her back. I hope you and/or your marriage survives, most marriages don't.
2007-09-20 06:08:05 · answer #8 · answered by Phonebreaker 5 · 3⤊ 7⤋
Sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. The whole point in swinging is being with other people. Instead of being jealous try the same thing she's doing....having fun with others. But if it really bothers you maybe you should re-consider the whole swinging thing.
2007-09-20 05:47:59 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 5⤋
you're the one that wanted a swinger relationship so now you'll have to deal with the consequences. it is no surprise that your wife is excluding you. she may be punishing you for getting her involved in that mess or she just may enjoy being with other people more than being with you. i'd be surprised if your marriage survives this.
2007-09-20 05:46:43 · answer #10 · answered by Roc 4 · 8⤊ 4⤋