Why do so many people say dont have sex till your married? Im 19, not married and have a daughter. My boyfriend and are together and very happy. I know so many people who get married and 5,10,28 years later divorce. I know what marriage is about and whats it's supposed to mean so I dont need a lecture but being married doesnt mean you love the person any more, trust them any more or communicate better. So why is it that everyone (even people my age and youger) are getting married. Do they feel it makes them grown up or what. I just think marriage is becoming over-rated and also a joke. What do you think?
2007-09-20 05:03:02 · 29 answers · asked by Samantha 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To Nick...we are 100% commited to our family. Marriage will not change that, like I said. and a mom at 19 doesnt make me feel grown up, it made me grow up
2007-09-20 07:15:58 · update #1
To Lola.. I DO NOT think marriage is a joke. I said it is becoming a joke. People get married just to say they're married. I will get married one day but not to be married. I want to grow a person and truely know myself and my boyfriend before we take that leap. I only want it once.
2007-09-20 07:20:51 · update #2
To Lola.. I DO NOT think marriage is a joke. I think it's sacred. I said (or meant)it is becoming a joke. People get married just to say they're married. I will get married one day but not to be married. I want to grow a person and truely know myself and my boyfriend before we take that leap. I only want it once.
2007-09-20 07:21:42 · update #3
photogirls...u are the most SELFISH person i have ever heard of. "marry so you get something". what is that. You are just proof to what I said about marriage making you grown up. I wasnt allowed to see my father so I would NEVER do that to him. Some people believe that you dont just walk away from your family. And FYI...my child was not planned. She was conceived due to our stupidity in not being safe BUT she is loved and cared for everyday. It's not her fault and we work together to give her the best life and family we can
2007-09-20 07:31:19 · update #4
I agree with you. I think far too many people jump into marriage before they have really figured out who they are and who they're marrying. Also, far too many people marry before really experiencing life. It works for some but as time passes you may begin to realize that the things you thought you could change or live with in the other person - you can't. Communication stops and the relationship fails. Don't worry about getting married if it doesn't bother you. If you're happy - be happy. When the times comes and you both feel ready for that lifelong commitment then get married. But... understand wholely what it means. Good luck!
2007-09-20 05:13:59 · answer #1 · answered by confusedsoul 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Hey... You sound like a mature and articulated person. Why does "everyone" get married... hmmm. Well, first off, not "everyone" gets married; some people stay single, and others choose to stay in a long-term relationship without marriage. I think what you mean to ask is why the big push to get married as opposed to simply being together; I'm guessing, as unmarried parents you have experienced this "push" all too well. My personal feeling is this: marriage is a social concept, and society is built on structure. Marriage is a part of these structural rules; it's the way to communicate a couple's status to society. Of course it doesn't make you love someone more or communicate better. But it's basically the way that the society keeps track of what's going on with its members. A child without a birth certificate is no less of a child, but when you live in a society it does help to ensure that the child's birth is properly recorded and recognized.
I can't speak for everyone else, but I can tell you why I got married rather than simply living together. I'm not religious, so all the reasons that have to do with god are out. Basically, I felt that an official status of the relationship makes things much easier for us as a couple - and it kind of did. It didn't change the way we view or treat each other, but it certainly made a difference in how other people view our relationship. Sure, I could say "I don't care what other people think" - but being that I wasn't against marriage in principle, I didn't see why I needed to make my life more difficult than it had to be. We all live amongst other people, and, like it or not, other people's perceptions do count and make a difference.
My question would be - why NOT get married? Yes, a lot of married couples get divorced. But is it somehow easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't have a piece of paper to back it up? Maybe it's easier in terms of the paperwork, but emotionally it takes the same toll, and if kids and assets are involved it can get just as muddy as a legal divorce. Just as marrying someone doesn't make you love them more, not marrying someone does not make the relationship better and doesn't help it last any longer. Speaking from my personal experience, paperwork was the least of my worries during my divorce; but the emotional impact of losing a long-term partner was huge - and I don't see how us not having been married would have prevented that.
2007-09-20 13:31:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
One word: family. You're creating a family in a way that only marriage can do. There is a reason that with marriage comes what is known as legitimacy with regards to children.
And taking the LEGAL step of committing your life to another person is another reason for marriage. It takes careful consideration and it gives more of an incentive to remain a family. As it stands, bf and gf have no legal standing when it comes to one another. You could have the greatest relationship in the world, but in reality, you're choosing a life of being a "babymama" instead of a life partner, and I think you're degrading yourself.
Anything sanctioned by God is not a joke. And I'm not even close to being overly religious.
I must admit, I was baffled by this statement:
"I want to grow a [sic] person and truely know myself and my boyfriend before we take that leap. I only want it once."
If you mean that you want to grow as a person and truly know yourself, that's great. It's important to be confident about who you are and what you are about. By that same token, it's also imperative that you have that information before you choose to become a parent.
It's almost an equation: If you wait until marriage to have sex, and wait until you're well-adjusted to get married, you'll all but guarantee that you're well-adjusted to have sex, thereby making sure that you're ALREADY grown up before you have children. Making you an adult is not the job or responsibility of your offspring. You should already be there before the stick turns blue.
And if that doesn't work for you, let me pose a question to YOU: If you love your SO, and you're happy together, and marriage won't change your feelings about one another, why NOT get married? I mean, getting married vs. having a wedding; there's very little cost associated with it and you've stated that it doesn't alter the relationship at all. So what's the big deal about doing it?
2007-09-21 00:08:11 · answer #3 · answered by Broadway Duchess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People say don't have sex until marriage because they think that's what everyone should do, personally I think you should wait in your early 20's just so you have the emotional development. Of course you are an example of how not everyone has to wait until that age, your child is another reason behind people saying to wait, so that someone who may be too young or immature or even ignorant doesn't end up having a child.
Marriage, at this point in time is hypocritical, straight people are divorcing at an astounding rate yet many argue it is too sacred for homosexuals to get married. I think what's wrong with it is many people go into marriage already consider divorce as a very viable option when divorce should be reserved for extenuating circumstances (abuse and repeated affairs included) not a I just am not in love with you like I used to be.
Marriage can still be very helpful in legal matters (health insurance and the like) so I wouldn't suggest ruling it personally or even our society disposing of it until we have another legal concept firmly in place that would allow the equal amount of benefits that marriage does.
2007-09-20 12:29:09 · answer #4 · answered by Manny 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If marriage is a joke why are you having children with the guy?
Where is the commitment?
Many of us believe that the ability to commit to marriage and learning to live and stay together are the precursors to having children and parenting. If you cannot even make that commitment statement to your mate how can you expect to express the maturity to commit to parenting for 18+ years?
This is a bit of a traditional attitude but it works.Just a question, in 7 years when you two end up splitting up, where does your legal recourse come from regarding marital property? Oh that's right, you are just friends.
The issue of child support is taken care of by genetics but the house furniture and car become a civil matter if not allocated by the marriage contract.
There are specific legal rights and responsibilities which come with marriage. It is easy to think that marriage is archaic but to ignore its legal benefits could very well leave you with no accumulation of community assets were a split to occur.
As a strictly practical matter, why would a woman not avail herself of those protections.
The answer to that question is shortsightedness. Its because you never get together believing that you may split.
Based upon the number of divorces today the odds of staying together are 50% at best. Do your self a favor, if you are not going to get married you had better get a written partnership agreement.
One final observation regarding marriage as a "joke".
Marriage is only a joke if you consider it such. It could very well be that the number of divorces is due in major part to people not giving the institution of marriage its proper respect. Marriage is not a joke which is thrown out and forgotten when it ceases to be funny.
I do not consider marriage a joke but then that is why we have
put in the effort to keep it going for 32 years.
2007-09-20 12:26:06 · answer #5 · answered by Flagger 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
1. they tell you not to have sex till you're married so they'll look like a saint, when they themselves were doing it like couple of rabbits when they were younger before they got married... and maybe they didn't want to take care of your kids if you have children without being married.
2. yes, some people look at marriage as a joke. they imagine a certain life when married, and when it's not how they visioned it, they're not happy, blame the other party and get divorced.
3. successful marriages... just what is a successful marriage? if 2 people are miserable together, but married till death do us apart, is that successful? if a couple is going to make it, age has nothing to do with it.
You two are young... growing old with your other half is a lot of fun.
2007-09-20 12:18:56 · answer #6 · answered by James 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I personally feel it's an announcement to the world that you are committed to each other and plan to remain that way for eternity. You can have that same commitment in a non-marriage relationship but i don't think its valued the same (by our peers, courts and jobs) thats why your boyfriend girlfriend cant fet stuff like medical benefits and stuf like that (although I know some places are trying to change that). I just don't think it's respected the way it should be for the most part, thats why it seems like you can have the same level of relationship in a marriage as you can w/o one cause all you hear about is people having affairs and stuff like that so its like what is the point of being married if they are still doing the same thing.
2007-09-20 12:14:33 · answer #7 · answered by Summer Days 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I will be offended or I will not, regardless of someone telling me "don't take offense."
But really, social mores have changed, simply because so many people have begun doing things differently.
It is just a way of presenting oneself to the world, whether someone wants a legal marriage or they do not. Your question is a good one but almost impossible to answer, because marriage has changed so much.
Marriage is sort of a way of saying "this is the person I intend to build my life with. This person will be the other parent to my children. I hope I am with this person until the day one of us dies." If you don't want to publicly state that, you don't have to.
A lot of people attach that to morality. A lot don't. I don't, as I also believe in getting a divorce if you want to also. Marriages are not guaranteed to last, but your relationship could break up too. Just because you feel very passionate and connected now, doesn't mean you will still be that way 10 years from now. It goes both ways.
2007-09-20 12:13:54 · answer #8 · answered by danashelchan 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Some people think if a couple are going to live together. They should marry.
About not having sex until marriage, those are religious ideas. They think it a sin. So if your not a religious person. You don't care about paper work. And are happy just living together. Don't worry about what others say. Ignore them.
I lived with the man I'm married to. For many years before we got married. He started going to church and thought it wrong to live together.
Since our daughter was a minor at the time. I married him. We don't get along. I think at some time it will end in divorce. Don't let yourself be pushed into marriage. If that's not what you want.
2007-09-20 12:21:42 · answer #9 · answered by Red Rose 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Let me get this straight.. you are "mature" enough to have a baby, but not to get married?
O.k. besides the fact that it is a biblical mandate that we do marry before sex & having kids, you don't want to hear that.
So, here we go... Why should your boyfriend marry you? He's getting what he wants without any commitment. He can just walk away, no strings attatched. Then he will father another child with another girl he "loves", your kid never knows it's father, you have to chase him around trying to get child support.
When you get married, it says "I am committed to this person".
Also, a very practical look is that if you do happen to stay together, if he dies you get nothing (generally) without being married.
You ever heard "membership has it's privilages"?
Well, it's true. If you are in a marriage and the other person wants out, you get half of everything in most states. Not married??? you get sqaut.
2007-09-20 12:22:57 · answer #10 · answered by photo.girl05 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋