Have you ever been in a love/hate relationship with a family member?

Question

If you love your child or parent you can't divorce them. Usually you can't help but love them, but what do you do when they use you, don't respect you, and cause you to cry frequently? I know a couple of people going through this right now. It's a hard situation to deal with.

Answer 1

Unfortunately I had a love/hate relationship with my mom for eons!....It only worsened after my Dad passed, and finally I realized that she was internally pained/angry/chased by past demons so to speak; and I prayed to God to release her from whatever made it so difficult for her to interact with others.........well, God answered in a most unusual way. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6-1/2 years ago. Since then she has become the sweetest, most caring, non judgemental woman you'd ever want to know. I am sorrowful about the disease, yet feel blessed our family members' memories will be overwhelmingly positive and loving ones...

Answer 2

I know exactly what you mean. I kinda feel like that as well with family members but the best way to deal with this is to move out or go somewhere really far away and take a break from them then visit once in a while and they will appreciate you more. I once told my parents that I miss missing them and they were thinking the exact same thing.

Answer 3

My parents. I always came away from time spent with them, hurt and confused and disorentied. Other people in my life could always tell when I'd been visiting my parents. I'd be in a funk for days and preoccupied and not really myself and prone to crying.
My relationship with them had become toxic by the time I was in my 40's and had to eventually stop being around them at all.

My own son said to me one day, "Mom you keep going there hoping to see yourself in their eyes, and they will never see you because they don't know you. They only know what they've labeled you to be."
I began to realize that I was part of the problem. I went for counseling and I educated myself in the field of "dysfunctional family dynamics". I got my self esteem back and my own sense of self worth and value.
It's amazing how happy you can be, when you stop depending on others for your identity and approval and how your world changes too. And, sometimes the people in it change as you do and re-connection becomes possible but on different terms.
But first of all you need to understand the underlying motives behind your own behaviors that keep you locked up so long in repetitive behaviors that are destructive to you before you have the power to change.

I heartily recommend counseling and these three books............

Answer 4

I am past the point of a love/ hate relationship with my brother.I have not spoken to him since 1983.He is my only sibling. I lived in the same town as my Father. My brother lived 60 miles south of us. My Father was in the hospital for a month before he died. I took care of the mail, the yard, etc.When my Dad died, I went to his house the next day to get clothes for him to be buried in. My brother had come up during the night and cleared out all my Father's antiques plus two large diamond rings that Dad had.How can one person be so greedy that they can't split things 50/50? The sad part is my brother's three sons(my nephews) won't speak to me even though they were babies when all this happened.I firmly believe you pick your friends not your family.

Answer 5

The only person I have had this problem with is my younger brother. He is now 57 years old. He can sell heaters to the Devil in Hell and make him believe he needs them or ice boxes to the Inuit in Alaska and do the same. But he has never applied himself. Everyone in the family hates him. I figure he is family so I put up with him even though he treats me like dirt too. When he got the list from Social Security that told him how much money he would be receiving on disability he freaked and yelled I had jobs that paid $150 thousand dollars a year, why are they only paying me $208 per month. I told him he had to have a job that lasted longer than a month, preferably 15 to 20 years making that kind of money. He now has Lupus and his new wife is just as much of an idiot as he is. Their new baby is going to probably grow up to be an idiot too.

Answer 6

Everyone knows my Mother and I have a love/hate relationship. It is harder now that I am the only child living.
I've worked to get over it but had a very difficult time dealing with my siblings passing away only wanting love and approval from her and they never received it.

Answer 7

My mom always had a love/hate relationship with me. She
made it known after my twin sisters were born, that they could
do no wrong. And she always showed the difference in feelings when it was gift giving time. There was always pref-
erence shown, that no one could ignore at Christmas espec-
ially.
One of my sisters has had major dislike for me since she
was young. And now as adults, she has had little contact with
me since our mother died. Mom left all of her possessions
to my sisters and didn't mention me in her will at all. It was as
if I didn't exist. So my sisters got a huge financial boost when
she passed away. I'm not even allowed to live in the big house she left. And I was someone who could have used the
help. I'll never know why I was excluded, as I always was there
for her to count on. Where my sisters were always too busy.
Maybe one day, I'll learn why there is such resentment with
the one sister. And I haven't seen her since the day of moms'
funeral. We communicate thru cards at birthdays and Xmas.
And that's the extent of it.
Our son also excludes us from his life, as a JW who shuns
non believers. We recently located him in N Carolina on the
opposite coast from where he last lived. He didn't want to be
found. And I will try to contact him again. I just hope he still
has the same telephone number so we can. We will always
love him. But he doesn't reciprocate that feeling.

Answer 8

AS you said love always comes first, but you find that you don't have to like and agree with everything the person you are having the problem with says and does. I believe we have the right to voice our concerns especially if we feel strongly that they are making a big mistake,it is usually because we are trying to stop them from getting hurt. The secret is to say what you have to say but don't keep going on about it, and if your advice falls on deaf ears be there for when it all goes pear shaped !

Answer 9

You have to decide exactly what it is you are willing to put up with, and then draw the line darkly at that spot...tell them quite clearly "This much and NO more!" and stick to it.

Don't allow them any more use and abuse of you, and if that means them throwing hairy fits about it, then so be it!

They are grown. They know they are stepping over the line. They choose to push, and YOU push back...it is that simple.

And DON'T EVER make exceptions to that...no "oh, maybe THIS time, I will help again and then...." That is just a fantasy. If they can manipulate you they will. So you don't LET THEM manipulate you!! Period.

Answer 10

Call it what it is...enabling behavior! I am a firm believer in tough love. If a child of mine were to abuse me in any way, he/she would find themselves looking for new lodging totally on their own were they of majority age. PERIOD! I see parents trying to "win" the love of their children a lot in this area, buying them everything in the world to appease the brats.... this is NOT the way to prepare a child for the realities of life. And one of our jobs as parents is to prepare the child to make it on their own. When everything is given to them, they learn nothing, the value of nothing. A free ride in life doesn't exist, so why do so many parents give their children this feeling? These are the same parents who rush to the child's defense when they get in trouble, try to get them off the hook at school.... Me! My kids took the punishments they deserved when and if they got in trouble. Unlike my parents, I did not give them more punishment when they got home...perhaps I should have, but so far, I have few complaints about my kid's behaviors. But, the day isn't over yet.