My fiance and I got engaged over a year ago but postponed the wedding due to financial difficulties and his cold feet. After much deliberation, I decided that postponing wasn't a bad idea...we're both young and in no rush. After about 6 months of just enjoying each other's company, I thought it might be ok to bring up the wedding again, just to see where he stood on the issue. He was nice about it, but said "It hasn't crossed my mind in a while". Then, mid-conversation he said "marriage is dead". His parents had a messy divorce, and so did the vast majority of his extended family. His boss, whom he is very close to, is currently going through a nasty divorce too. I understand that divorce is a concern of his, but I'm tired of paying for a wedding band that I might never wear.I love him, and our relationship is great otherwise, but I feel like he's cursing out marriage before we've even set a date. What can I do to convince him that we don't have to end up like they did?
2007-09-20 02:03:08 · 8 answers · asked by Rachel-Pit Police-DSMG 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
And please...don't tell me to leave him. Marriage or not, we are entirely in love and committed to each other.
2007-09-20 02:09:33 · update #1
When I ask him, he says he wants to be with me, and he does want to marry me and build a life with me, just not so quickly. Am I wrong for being impatient? Or is he for making me wait?
2007-09-20 02:26:02 · update #2
Kat G,
He bought my engagement ring. We both pay for the wedding bands.
2007-09-20 02:27:16 · update #3
I can accept that you might be "entirely in love" but to say that you are completely committed is demonstrably untrue. If your so-called fiance doesn't marry you, then he is certainly NOT committed to you. Marriage = legal commitment. Therefore, he is not completely committed. I could agree with "mostly" committed. But not completely, since completely, by definition, would have to include legal commitment. By the way, if he's never going to marry you, then you might want to stop inaccurately referring to him as your fiance.
2007-09-20 02:15:58 · answer #1 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a tough situation because there's limited choices. When you got engaged, he obviously was into it. I guess you have to find that point, or event(s) that caused him to change his mind, and work with that. Alot of people have the very same fear, fear of failure, fear of ending up like their parents...etc. I'm sure he loves you very much, and his fear is overpowering him. If it were me, I would quietly sit down with him (which I'm sure you have already) and have a serious heart-to-heart again. Ask him if he loves you enough to continue this step. Talk to him in a way a guy understands: it's a piece of paper, a ring, and a possible name change - it won't hurt". Point out all the similarities in your current relationship and how all of a sudden things don't have to change just because you sealed that commitment. Ask him what it is he's afraid of - does he think you won't agree on major issues? If so, what are some issues you'll face or think you'll face that you have to work together as a team on? Are there major different opinions on children, or activities outside the relationship, or financial differences? Perhaps his fears may be that he thinks he isn't good enough for you or cannot be a good husband? Make him feel that he is, and always be nutruing towards him and hopefully he'll come around. He did already ask you to marry him, so hopefully that remains a good sign. It'll all work out - I'm sure!
2007-09-21 08:25:22 · answer #2 · answered by Starry Eyes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has commitment issues. This guy will be a great boyfriend but not a great husband. I can not believe that everyone the both of you know is divorced. Bring him around married people who have been married a long time. He is the one who needs to understand that just because his boss and parents are divorced that does not mean that it will happen to him. He has a very negative image of what marriage is. He needs to change that image. If he can't get passed it you are going to have a choice to make. Continue dating endless or end the relationship. My husband as well as my parents were both divorced we got married and said that we would not let that happen. Learn from the mistakes others made.
Just wondering why your paying off the ring not him or both?
2007-09-20 09:25:02 · answer #3 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, this isn't really something that you can convince him of...either he's willing to chuck his fears out the window and take a chance at loving you forever, or you will need to set aside your desire for a wedding.
i never saw myself getting married and i drug my feet during an engagement b/c i think deep down i KNEW i didn't want to marry him.....we had set a date, booked a venue, all of it and i ended up moving out and calling off the relationship.
good for me, too, b/c then i met the man of my dreams and i couldn't imagine NOT being married to him.
my suggestion......really talk to him about it....make it clear how important marriage is to you and explain that that's where YOU see your relationship going, but you want to know where HE sees it going. what does he want?
if he doesn't want to get married, then how can you work through your desire for that commitment??
maybe a commitment ceremony? if he doesn't want to walk down the aisle, i would hope that he lovesyou enough to try to come up with some sort of alternative to make you feel better.
i wish you both the best...take care:)
2007-09-20 09:20:05 · answer #4 · answered by joey322 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should be cautious about marrying your fiance' right now. Marriage is difficult enough without entering into it with such low expectations. I know that a lot of churches offer premarital counseling to their members, perhaps you guys should consider getting some. It could prove to be invaluable to both of you. I know some couples who have done this, and they've told me that some of the things they discussed were; their expectations of marriage, and conflict resolution. They say that it really helped them to get on the same page before they tied the knot.
2007-09-20 09:28:37 · answer #5 · answered by mt75689 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I ended up taking off my engagement ring when I saw my fiance was lagging (we're both in our 40's) I told him to introduce me as his girlfriend from then on because when people hear "fiance" they ask "when's the wedding?" and it was getting frustrating for me.
When you're younger, there's less of a "rush" to get married and there's a longer "acceptable" engagement period. As long as you are OK with the relationship "as is" then I don't see a problem.
(BTW, we got married last December) ;)
2007-09-20 11:07:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now that's some magical thinking. I think you need to be paying attention to why he is using these excuses. People tend to get cold feet when their gut tells them not to do something, not when they are totally in love. I suggest couples counseling and if you are smart, you won't marry him until he gets his demons put to rest. Marriage is not dead, and you know it.
2007-09-20 09:16:53 · answer #7 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that your engagement is dead and give him his ring back. Tell him that you want a G**-D*mned committment from him or he can't have you. It is not fair for him to be such a putts and not meet your needs in this matter. Move on, Honey!
2007-09-20 09:23:08 · answer #8 · answered by tempest_twilight2003 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋