Husband has been cheating for some time and says he is in love with his mistress (he does not know I am aware of his affair). I no longer want anything to do with him as a husband. However, he has two kids with me...ages 5 and 1. I asked him to move out and he plans on doing so. A divorce is in the works currently. I intend to make him pay financially for his obligations because of how I was treated during my pregnancy. I was given the choice of having my last child or him as a husband. I chose the life of my unborn child. I have thought of all the ways to get back at him but is it really worth the energy. How do I tell my 5 year old that his father was busy leading a double life and could not focus on his marriage to make it work? How do I tell my 1 year old that his father never acknowledge him prior to him being on this earth (though we lived in the same household), has never spent one penny toward him but now wants to claim him as a son now that he is moving out. Should I let him?
2007-09-20 01:11:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
In regards to some responses...I had him followed for some time, read letters/notes left in pants pockets. When you are busy leading a double life you eventually become sloppy and complacent. I have not said anything to my kids though he has involved my older child into the situation by taking the child over to his mistress place. Yeah, my child usually says where his father takes him and he also pointed out where she lives as we passed the house on our where going elsewhere. I am simply looking for some insightful answers to my questions, not judgements as to what I am telling my kids currently, as I have not involved them in my situation. Come what may, they are kids not adults. I have no intentions of slandering my older child against his father. As for the younger one, I do not refer to my husband as the "Daddy." I consider myself his "Mommy & Daddy" both financially and emotionally.
2007-09-20 01:45:49 · update #1
"You never know what you've got until it's gone"...so the saying goes, and that just may be how your husband will feel after you are divorced. The grass is not always greener on the other side. For the sake of the children, let your husband see his children. He should definitely contribute financially. During the divorce proceedings...set up a visitation schedule. Being a single Mom after divorce...you may really come to enjoy the alone time you will get if the children go to visit with your ex. I am speaking from experience. I was married and my husband also cheated. I left him and never looked back. For the sake of my daughter, I allowed him to be a part of her life although I do have full custody. Visitation was at MY discretion. This was 10 years ago. My daughter is now almost 14 and has a wonderful relationship with her Dad. I never talked bad about him to her, and I never kept her from him. What happened between us stayed between us and I never let his assenine ways affect her relationship with him. He has since remarried and so have I. He went on to have 2 more children and I had 1. We are good friends now...we actually get along better now then we did when we were married.
You and your husband are both adults and you need to keep this between you two. Do not drag your kids into this with any negative words. They did not ask to be born, you chose to have them. The whole divorce and visitation and custody issue can get very ugly...if you let it. You are in control and you can make this easy by doing whatever is in the best interest of the kids.
Do not waste your energy "getting back" at him. You have already decided you do not want him so its time to move on. Focus on your kids for they will give you the strength you need to get through this difficult time.
When your children get older...you can tell them the truth...but not until they can fully understand. I told my daughter last year why me and her Dad split up. She honestly appreciated the truth. For 9 years I bit my tongue about her Dad...I let her form her own opinion of him. From all of this she has become a wonderful child. I can't imagine how she would have turned out if all I did was bash her father...I think she would have a problem with men or had a mean streak...would have rebelled...I dont know.
How you chose to handle this will affect your kids. Make wise decisions..be the mature adult..no negativity about the Dad. Let him be there for them. Good luck!
2007-09-20 01:38:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Divorce the man and move on. He has to pay for his obligations by law. It has nothing to do with how you were treated during the pregnancy. You knew there were problems in the marriage before you got pregnant. You chose to have another child anyway; so don't place all of the blame on your husband. There is no reason to discuss this with your children. Neither should you deny them their father. When they grow up, they will see him as he is. For now, while they are kids, they need to have a positive image of their father. You therefore have no right to stop referring to this man as their dad.
You're not the first woman to divorce a cheating husband and you won't be the last. There are two sides to every story; and while I don't support your husband's cheating, you have an attitude about yourself that may have helped to push the man away. lf he has never spent one penny toward the support of his son, why would you allow him to claim the child? In one breath, you want to get back at the man. In another, you're making concessions for him. How can he not know you're aware of his affair, when you've asked him for a divorce? Under what other circumstances are you divorcing him? Makes no sense.
2007-09-20 09:33:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your job is to NEVER EVER tell them those things about their father. That is between you and the father not about your poor children.
The bottom line is that you have a choice.
The choice is to move on or stay with the man you have now.
The BEST way to get back at him is to move on - and make a happy new life for yourself and kids.
Your children will know in the long run what kind of parents each of you are. It is so hard but you should NEVER slander the other parent to the child as the person you are most damaging is the child - it is a form of child abuse.
Move on while you can
Write a list of what you want in life
Write a list of what you deserve
Write down the steps of how you are going to get them
And GO FOR IT...
Stop being reactive and be proactive
Dont wait for him to leave - pack up for him
and put it all into storage and give him the key and the bill
2007-09-20 08:23:43 · answer #3 · answered by Olivereindeer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you do is tell the kids "Daddy and I just can't get along. That doesn't mean we love you any less". Do NOT share the details with them. They have no need to know. It will only damage them. If you plan on making your husband pay child support, yes, you have to let him acknowledge the baby as a son. Let the husband have the kids, visitation, weekends, summers, etc. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT punish the kids by not letting them spend time with him. This is between you and your husband. Keep the kids out of this as much as possible. Now, instead of wasting energy by seeking revenge, spend it wisely on raising wonderful kids and being a good mom. Also, counseling for yourself might be good. RIght now your emotions are raw, so your choices in life won't be made with sound judgement. They will be made with emotions, and that wouldn't be good. Good luck.
"Husband has been cheating for some time and says he is in love with his mistress (he does not know I am aware of his affair)."
Okay, after having reread that, everything I said is now null and void. Did he tell you he's in love with his mistress? Also, you said you asked him to move out, which he will, according to your statement. When a husband is being kicked out, he normally asks why you are kicking him out. I no longer believe that he doesn't know that you know. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think this is made up.
2007-09-20 08:21:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once a cheat, always a cheat. It don't get no better. Leave . . . as soon as possible, and get on with your life. Find a divorce recovery group, join a club, get interested in community projects--whatever, but get a support group. You'll need it to help you get through the coming months.
You don't tell your 5 year old a thing except maybe "daddy and mommy just can't live together anymore and he will be living somewhere else but will see you as often as he possibly can." Whatever you do, do NOT turn your children against their father. Let them make up their own minds how they feel about him when they get older.
And, yes, let the ex claim both children. As they get older they will come to realize what a scumbag he is--or, as in the case of some men, as he gets older he may change and they'll end up worshipping him. At any rate, let them enjoy whatever kind of a relationship they can establish with him and let yourself come out smelling like a rose.
Good luck.
2007-09-20 10:37:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have taken a very important step by asking your soon to be ex husband to move out of the house, The next is to understand that you need to be a strength, a role model for your children. Now is not the time to worry about what you will tell your children about your ex. One day they will ask, and you will be able to provide a better answer than you would right now.
Next, about him wanting to claim the one year old on his taxes. For now I would say that each of you claim one child...don't fuel the fire. You do need to seek legal advice. His needs to pay child support and alimony.
Be strong. Actions speek louder than words. Don't get stuck in petty arguments and juvenile games. Be a role model for other women and your kids. And ya know what?.......his mistress will eventually learn that he is a cheat, liar and is in fact a dad, but not a FATHER! Good luck!!!
2007-09-20 08:27:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stick it to him. Take the kids, he is a loser and doesnt deserve happiness. I am sorry for your situation, once your out and hes paying hundreds maybe thousands in child support you will be alot happier. How did you find out about his affair and him not know about it? You are good.
I wouldnt tell the kids anything in detail yet. Even though you probably hate this man and want the kids to do the same, it is not good for you to bad mouth their father in front of them, now or in the future. Once they are old enough to learn the truth then they will be able to form their own judgement of him. They will see how much of an a** he was to you.
Good luck. Hope you find happiness.
2007-09-20 08:24:24 · answer #7 · answered by angelbabe1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't focus on destroying his life,he is an idiot and he will self destruct in time. Just approach this situation in a positive way.Instead of thinking of ways to hurt him, think of ways to make him support you and your children in the best way possible. Don't show him that he is in control because he is not. At this point of your life you are making all the decisions that will determine how you and the children will live. Don't forget you are a good person.Don't let this ugly situation change you or bring you down to his level. It would not be a good idea to tell the children that their father is total fool,it will confuse them at this age. Don't worry they will figure it out in time. Good luck.
2007-09-20 08:45:11 · answer #8 · answered by Julius C 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to be a grownup and not put any of your problems on your children. While I don't think you were literally going to tell a 5 and 1 year old, it is disturbing that you put it that way. You desperately need counseling to deal with this, because you do not seem to have a maturity level that a grown woman should have.
2007-09-20 08:39:52 · answer #9 · answered by marie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for your marital problems. Your children don't need to know about his "double life" and your youngest certainly doesn't need to know his father wasn't in favor of his birth! The explanation is that mom and dad love you both, but mom and dad can not live together any more.
It sounds like you'll be much happier without this man...but, he is still the father of your children.
2007-09-20 08:19:59 · answer #10 · answered by Cathy C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋