she was hard 2 deal w/ before she preg. and now that shes preg shes harder 2 deal w/. Her words "I can't be 15, have a baby and still be told what 2 do, because I'm going 2 b a mom u have 2 let go". It makes me so mad because she always wants 2 b in control of everything even if she knows shes wrong, she has 2 have the last word. She also wants 2 move out, my heart says NO! That I need 2 keep her at hm. Then I think that maybe I should let her fall on her face and let her see that she does need mine & Erics/Dad help. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells and I need the madness 2 STOP! I also have a 16 & 9 y old sons who I am trying to protect from all my childs madness. She will not go 2 sch. She will not wrk around the hs. I let her go out w/ friends last night 2 b nice, she came hm at 1am. I try to believe in her all the time and she craps on me every time! What do u think I need to try 2 help her and 2 help us.
2007-09-19 19:31:28 · 23 answers · asked by Amma 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
You're still the parent. She's a child. Just because she made a poor decision and is being forced into an adult situation, she is still a child. You need to be really firm with her. She NEEDS to go to school. She NEEDS to get a job or work around the house. She DOES NOT NEED to be going out with her friends until 1 am. No 15 year old should be out that late!
You need to set some serious ground rules and stick to them. She needs some tough love, and quickly. She will go to school every day. She will help around the house. If she's going to ask to be treated as an adult she's going to act like one. If she doesn't, she can go be an "adult" in someone else's house. Tell her you will not support her or her baby if she doesn't deserve it, and to deserve it, she has to show much more responsibility.
Talk to her school counselor if you can't afford outside counseling. It's not fair to stress out your other children when their sister is being childish and irresponsible. Get a lawyer. You do not need "2 b nice" right now. You need to be her mom. She's still a kid and she still needs her mom.
2007-09-19 20:00:54 · answer #1 · answered by madamemeisha 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
IMHO, the worst thing you could do is put your daughter out. She needs you now more than ever. Sure your upset that she has put herself in this situation and of course you want her to be responsible now for her actions. You are her mom, you know what it was like having your 1st child, you lived thru it already - she hasn't. I would explain to her first and foremost that she needs to straighten her act up. No more of this staying out til 1am, who knows what she is doing? She also needs to be going to school. WIthout an education, what kind of job does she think she is gonna get? Get her to school ASAP!!! I didn't catch how far along she was...but she needs to be prepared mentally. Let her know that she will be the one to get up for the nightly feedings, she will be doing all the work when she is home. You are there if she needs you for some help - motherly advice - not to be her convienent crutch. As far as your boys, they are old enough to know what is going on. I am sure that this situation is not an easy one for the family as a whole. You can only do so much, take one day at a time. Maybe it would be a good thing to have family meetings, to help prepare the family for what is to come. Or try family counseling. You are a good mother. It is not your fault what your daughter did. You can survive this. Communication. It may be hard right now because everyone feels that they are being blamed for what has happened, everyone will be on the defensive. Have you tried to sit down with your daughter and just talk? Let her know that you are here for her mentally, don't criticize her, let her talk. She might not be so open at first, but once she sees that you are just trying to understand her, you would be suprised. If she insists on moving out, I would discourage this. How is she going to support herself and the baby w/ no job and no $$? But do try to sit down just you and her, don't be a mom, be her friend. Make it very clear to her, you love her and want to make sure that she and the baby is taken care of. If she is stubborn and just thinks she knows it all, let her think that. But once you let her go, if she leaves the house, you will never forgive yourself if something were to happen to either her or the baby.
I hope that things will be okay for your family. My heart goes out to you.
2007-09-20 03:35:44 · answer #2 · answered by eZonis34 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear this, she is a child trapped in an adult situation. She is thinking because she is going to be a mom she should be treated like an adult, you need to remind her that she is not an adult and even though she is having a child no one will see her as an adult.
You need to stress the fact that she is going to need help either from you, the state, or other family. She can not even drive yet so how does she expect to get from one place to another? Right now I am sure she is thinking a baby is going to be "fun" and all her friends are egging her on, she has no real idea of what is in store for her. I had my daughter when I was 19 and in the military, when I was pregnant I thought oh this will be fun, I will dress my baby in only the finest clothes, now she is 6 and she has been the most rewarding thing in my life but it is not all fun and games. She is looking at this situation through the eyes of a child. Please stress to her that she has to stay in school, that child will not be a baby forever and on day will wonder why mommy is on welfare, why mommy works at McDonalds, why mommy did not finish high-school. I was very blessed to have met a man who loves me and my daughter and am now going back to get my college degree, I am married to a very successful military man and am doing well for myself but it was not easy to get here.
I think the reality of what is going on will hit her once the baby is born, right now it is "cute" to her to be knocked up, it is a joke, but when she has to buy formula, pampers, and clothes every other week she will see it is not cute. When her friends are all out running around and being teenagers and they stop calling her because she can not do the things they can because she is a mom, it will hit her and hit her hard. I think you should make her take responsibility for what she has done, that means no letting her run the streets until 1 in the morning, she is pregnant and needs her rest. She is still a child and you are still the parent.
You made no mention of a boyfriend, so I am going to assume she will be a single parent, explain to her the long road ahead. Like I have said over and over again, this right now is a game to her and you need to make her realize just how serious it is. Take her to a welfare office and let her see the women there and their children, take her to a homeless shelter and let her look a the families of people who did not have an education. Look on line for support groups of young unwed mothers and take her there so they can talk to her and maybe open her eyes to what is about to come down on her. They will tell her that she will need you, and maybe get her to mature a little. Good luck and if you need any help please feel free to email me, I can talk to her, I know what she is going through even though I was a bit older it was still scary. Good luck!
**I read other responses and a lot of them were placing blame on you as the parent. While I do think you should not let her run the streets at 1 in the morning, which I am sure this is not the first time, I know that you can not watch your child all the time. I don't blame you but I do think that if she had better self esteem this whole situation may have been avoided. Studies have shown that teen girls with lower self esteem tend to have sex at a younger age, there are other factors as well such as family income (famlies in the middle class and up tend not to have teen age daughters that get pregnant, while lower income families tend to have children who get knocked up) , family education and home life but at the top of the list is self esteem. I am sure there are a million and one things you would do differently as a mother, but right now you have to just deal with the road ahead and not think of what you could have done differently. Again good luck**
2007-09-20 02:33:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You seem very concerned about your daughter now that the damage has been done. You say she is only a child so why did you allow a child to be unsupervised long enough to get pregnant in the first place. Where does she plan on moving? Most places will not hire a 15 year old so how will she support herself? Have you talked about this with her? She probably doesn't even know how hard it is to get a job and become fully independent. Maybe if you speak to her as an adult about all of this she will act more like an adult. She did not put herself in this adult situation, you did. You don't think she is mature enough to make decisions regarding her life, yet she was allowed to make one of the most important decisions of her life.And while it was a bad one, you gave her the freedom to do it. Stop laying all the blame on a 15 year old child and pick some of it up and toss it on your shoulder where it truly belongs.
2007-09-20 00:28:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Don't let her fall on the face, mums just don't do that and she'll probably just throw it in your face, for e.g. why did you let me do that mum you should have stopped me. The best thing to do is to talk to her and tell her the consequences of having a child and ask her why she doesn't respect you and tell her some truth about herself, even if it is mean. If you want to fix this relationship you can't push her away (let her move out). You als have to think about your grandchild and what is best for it. If talking to her doesn't work go to counselling because then yours will be made to talk about your feelings even if their hurtful. Hope my advice has been helpful and GOOD LUCK!!!! P.s I now you have children at home aswell but if your a family you go through everything together good or bad.
2007-09-19 21:37:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If she believes that because her body can get pregnant she's mature enough to be her own boss she has alot of maturing to happen.
My first suggestion is always tough love... if she's so mature then she can either
1. Move out and provide for herself.
2. Start paying rent and utilities and pay for her own food.
IF she's not going to school then she has to have a full-time job, the longer you let her sit around at home the more your only feeding her habitial laziness.
Once she's out in the real world and see's how hard things are she'll more than likely be more receptive to the rules at your house.
2007-09-20 01:20:56 · answer #6 · answered by TRENT L 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
She's pregnant so for the best interest of your grandchild I'd have to say put her on a tight leash at least until she can't go out and hurt her child. If she's out until 1 am and having sex she probably IS out doing drugs or drinking, I pray not, but in reality she's probably not being responsible as a pregnant person. I got pregnant at 16 and it changed my whole life, i was a hellion before and when i found out i straightened right up. You need to support her but still be a parent and draw the line. She at least needs to be trying to get herself ready for this huge change that's coming faster than she could imagine. Is she going to keep the baby or give it up? If she is giving it up i guess the hard part will be the pregnancy, but she obviously doesn't understand that she's has to support this baby. Where's the father? Does your daughter have a job? You need to be tough with her, say that she isn't being responsible, and from what you've written when you give a inch she takes a mile, don't let her. You might be fed up with her, but her actions can't be taken out on this unborn child. You don't have to 'let go' because she's pregnant, you have to hold on and try to get to counseling and get it in her head how hard parenthood is and that she can't be first anymore. I hope that things get better, for all of your sakes, good luck and stay strong.
2007-09-19 21:36:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
How long do you think it will take her to grow up. ?
She is there already , maybe not the way you would like her to be. Then again.. she is not living your life.
This is her life. Her mistakes . Her chooses. Let go.... Try to keep her safe. Help her in her Independence. You will always be the parent.. she the child. They do settle down. But right now.... that's not going to happen. Let her be now.... she will regret all this in 3 years.. and being a parent herself will really open her eyes.
Good luck and your not the only person in this situation....
2007-09-22 04:02:48 · answer #8 · answered by plutoniccatgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let her find out how hard it is to take care of a baby on her own.you prob wont kick her out or let her go cause shes still your littel girl maybe you can try not talking to her and give her the silent treatmeant from the whole family and say when you want to be a part of this family and start actting like it then will talk to you.it most of the time works and when she starts to get futher along in her preg she will see how much she needs help.if you try to make her do this and that she will prob do what she wants unless you have something to make her stop then she could runaway thats why i said dont talk to her for a week or so and dont cook her dinner just act like shes not there she will get lonely and miss you guys my friend did that to her daughter now shes doing what shes told.try it out if you can. good luck <3
2007-09-19 20:24:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't know if this will help you or not, we have a similar situation at our home 2 years ago. We let the 16 year teenager go out and try it on her own to let her see that the grass was not greener in the big bad world. within 6 months she was back asking for help of course we were there here to help her she now lives at home she also quit school and extremely lazy and wants to be out at all hours of the night.
We gave strict rules on the return she had to get a job pay us to babysit ( we were fair on this only charged 5 dollars a day)
if she went out she pays for babysitting and she has to take care of herself and the baby
On the independent attitude tell her she has to earn the rights of an adult to be treated like on being pregnant does not qualify Our teenager is now earning her rights as on adualt and she came a long way it was a hard battle.
so my advice is do what u fell u have to do. You know your daughter better than anyone If u fell letting her go and finding out it is tough out in the world then do it If you fell you should shelter her longer til she is really ready then do it nobody can tell you what decision to make I hope I helped with my story to help You make your decision and Good luck to your family.
2007-09-19 20:06:15 · answer #10 · answered by lisa k 2 · 5⤊ 1⤋