Please help a wife out!!!!?

Question

My husband says he doesn't feel like having sex....ever. Blames it on a low testosterone level although the doctors say its fine. No I don't think he's cheating, but I wonder is this really normal in a 34 year old man? He has a very stressful job, but I don't think that's it either. He's nice to me otherwise but I am going crazy with the I just don't have the desire excuse. What can I do? I feel so hurt that I'm not wanting to put forth any effort to "make" him want "it" anymore. He should be chasing ME around the house!!!

Refuses to seek counseling, thinks it's a crock. Have tried to talk about it but nothing changes. I am beginning to act out as far as being angry all the time and I am soooo frustrated!!!!

Refuses to seek counseling, thinks it's a crock. Have tried to talk about it but nothing changes. I am beginning to act out as far as being angry all the time and I am soooo frustrated!!!! We live in a small town, no sex classes here. He works 7p to 4a no time to light candles, wear lingere. Uses his days off to sleep, we have small children, what other excuse can I possibly give. He could wake me up and initiate. We are hand holding, kissing etc just no SEX!!!

Refuses to seek counseling, thinks it's a crock. Have tried to talk about it but nothing changes. I am beginning to act out as far as being angry all the time and I am soooo frustrated!!!! We live in a small town, no sex classes here. He works 7p to 4a no time to light candles, wear lingere. Uses his days off to sleep, we have small children, what other excuse can I possibly give. He could wake me up and initiate. We are hand holding, kissing etc just no SEX!!! Have used Viagra etc. but I feel that's just a cover up for the problem. He's fine doing it, it's just the wanting to do it that's our problem.

Answer 1

He sounds as though he is 'stuck in a rut' or depressed. With sex, if you don't use it, you lose it, is very true. He has gotten himself into the habit of not having sex. Why not start very slow with him - sit and cuddle (go no further), then on another day cuddle and kiss his neck (nothing else); gradually add to it and make it playful and fun. It may peak his interest a bit being teased a little. The desire is there; he has just hidden in away. (Also - if he tried Viagra or Cialis, I know he would feel stimulated enough to go further). All work and no fun is not the way to go. Good luck

Answer 2

When exactly did you want him to get aroused? During his time when he's working nights? Or when the small kids are running around?

You seem to be of the opinion that a man's sex drive overcomes stress and being exhausted. A man peaks out around 20 and its all downhill after that, and you are just beginning your sexual peak. Frustration can be taken care of by yourself, you should explore that, there are wonderful gadgets to help.

My advice to all young couples in this situation is to get more sleep. Get rid of the kids for a long weekend, tell people you are going out of town (or actually do it) and either just get a hotel room or stay at home. Don't answer the phone, and don't watch tv. Stay off the computer. Eat, sleep, take a bath together, sleep, give massages, sleep, drink champagne or wine, sleep, read, sleep, read to each other, sleep. Don't have sex unless it seems like the most normal thing to do. Sleep as much as you possibly can and talk more.

You promised to be his partner, no where in your vows was there a disclaimer about sex. Give your lover the benefit of the doubt and get some sleep.

Answer 3

There has to be an underlying cause. Is he masturbating a lot? Some men masturbate because it's easier to get yourself off quickly and easily and not have to worry about satisfying or pleasing your partner. Do you do anything to initiate sex? If so does he just turn away and say good night. By being nice to you, do you mean he kisses and hugs you a lot. Does he like to hold your hand? Has he always been unromantic or has this come on recently? What have you tried and is there more you could do? Wear something very sexy with nothing underneath and flash him. Use candles and soft music? Give him a massage if his job is stressful he might like that then you can get to all of his vital areas and get him aroused then let nature take it's course. Perhaps a little variety and spice is all you need to bring him back.

Answer 4

I don't know what to say, my husband is 34 and he gets upset if I don't feel like it atleast once or twice every couple of days. If he could he would do it 5 or 6 times a day, so something is going on wether it be physical or mental, you should keep on him to go to counseling. It can help, we had to go because of my deppression problems ,my labido went out the door for awhile, but after some therapy and some anti-deppressants I am back to my normal self.

Answer 5

There is an actual disorder called Hypo-sexual Desire Dysfunction Disorder that devastates the sex drive. However, it is caused by psychological reasons (stress, low self image, etc) and it affects mostly women.

Is it possible that he is not interested in you physically? Has your appearance changed dramatically since you've been married? I hate to sound blunt, but I hear (almost daily) from husbands (and wives) who are just not physically attracted to their wives anyone more because of weight gain. This maybe be harsh, but that is reality.

Try going to the gym and working off your frustrations. If he asks why say,'I want to look my best for you'. This will show him that you are trying to improve yourself and the desire may return.

Of course, this could not be the reason.

However it IS highly unusual that a 34 y/o man with normal testosterone levels and is monogamous, does not want to have sex.

Answer 6

Why don't you try taking a shower just before he comes home from work. Put on his favorite perfume, put your sexiest piece of lingerie and prepare the bathtub with hot water, and a bottle of chilled wine with two glasses. Open the door for him and take him upstairs. Take his clothes off and give him a bath in the tub. Then move into the bedroom and give him a hot oil massage, and finished with a bj. If this doesn't work for him, then I don't know what else to tell you. Because it would sure work for me any time, and I am 48 years old.

Answer 7

Maybe thats it ,you are not putting in effort ..if he is stressed ...(I know exactly how you feel been there many times with my husband) Best thing to get him back in action ..is let him lay and you take control give him a stress free hand ___ or something to let him know you care about his feelings first ..he will come around just pitch in and help him out with his stress ..offer to give him a bath and massage his back...Good luck sweetie, I don't think he's cheating this kinda stuff men do go through just like a women just some women have no idea...

Answer 8

He may just have a low sex drive - there's no set point for all people. It may not be an excuse, but the truth. If it's changed dramatically, sure, stress can be a factor. Pressure from you can be a factor. Diabetes can be a factor. Depression can be a factor.

There are scads of couples out there who don't match up well in the drive department, maybe you're just one of them.

Answer 9

My boyfriend is 34 and likes to have sex 3 or 4 times a week, doesn't always happen though. It can be normal depending on his sex drive, he could have low testosterone, but if I'm not mistaken, there is a medical treatment of prescription for that condition. Check that out on web md.

Answer 10

I'm not a doctor, but at 34, his sexual prime is behind him. Stress can really mess someone up in so many ways, maybe he's right. When I am really stressed out, sex is the last thing on my mind.