Parents: My 12 year old daughter.....?

Question

is in 7th grade this year and has always been a good girl. This year, it seems that alot of her friends are being allowed to date and my rules don't allow this until she's 16. Alot of these girls have been her friends since she was in kinder and she is very close to them.
The problem I having is she is starting to lie to me about things and become very defensive and even cry when I ask her questions about her friends. I don't want to be a total butt and change schools on her, but if the behavior keeps up, I may have to use that alternative. I know this type of thing is in every school, and it wouldn't absolutely solve the problem, but I just can't sit around and watch her slip away. 12 years old is too damned young to be dating! I stand by that with every bone in my body. I can not and will not compromise the rules of our home to make her happy. How would you handle this?

Answer 1

I can relate to your pain. My daughter had her first boyfriend at 14. I felt she was too young. But really at this age, what does it mean to have a boyfriend? She says that having a boyfriend is just to have someone you care about deeply. Its not as though she has a boyfriend for sex. Trust me, we talk, I know this for sure.
If your daughter is not telling you something, it is because she is not comfortable talking to you. Maybe she feels that she will be ridiculed or that you will punish her. Then again, lieing does need punishment. Kids will lie at the drop of a hat if they feel like they will get in trouble - kind of contradictory, but true. They don't want to tell mom or dad about something they did wrong if they will be spanked or whatever it is they are afraid of. Sit down with your daughter and talk. I say this all the time, that communication is key for a strong relationship and bond with your teens. Keep in mind that once she starts opening up to you, DON'T SPEAK! The second she feels like she has to defend what she is saying, she will clam up. I know its hard to sit there and not say something, I HAVE BEEN THERE myself and feel that she is talking to me and sharing personal feelings. For often than not, parents tend not to validate their teens feeling with a "care free" attitude, there is no respect from the parent. I know it sounds funny saying that. But yes, parents need to respect their teens. If she is being open with you, be happy. If she just doesn't open up at all, time to rethink your attitude toward your teen. Respect does go both ways, and teens need to understand this.
Trust me on this. If you communicate the right way with your teen, your teen will be open to you. Just remember to keep your "talks" private, no matter how juicy it is, DON'T tell your spouse! As tempting as that is, you don't want her to find out you told dad, then her trust for you is gone, and you can't blame her.

Answer 2

Well is chaperoned "dating" out of the question? The way I see it, 12 year old only talk or hold hands when they date.

My mom was very strict about boys and I began being homeschooled in the seventh grade, not because of the boys but the children in general. I hated homeschooling at first but I grew to love it and I'm now glad I was. I learned who i was and I found out my own morals without anyone else's influence. Anyway my point is I never had a boyfriend until I was 16. I was never even kissed or anything. Two years later we're married and very happy. We even waited until we were married to have sex. So my point is, if you're girl is a good girl, then that's what she is, and no one will change that. Just keep talking to her, and maybe if you do group dates or chaperoned dates she won't feel so different from the other girls, but you can still keep an eye on her.

Answer 3

Your being a little too strict its not a big deal at 12 its nothing serious and if u motitor her social life then u don't have to worry about this um ? Really move schools hello she's 12 this is dating its not that bad bad is when u come home to her crying and she has to tell u she has an std but like I said if u know where she's at all times then this isn't an issue because you wont have to worry about her andwho ever she's wanting to date to do anything serious like sex

Answer 4

Honestly, by telling her that she's not allowed to date until she's 16 will make her feel like you don't trust her. That could lead to much worse things than just having a bf. Changing schools would be ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS because I guarantee you, no matter where she goes to school, the kids will be dating. That's just the way things work. SHe's gonna grow up and you can't force her to sacrifice her social life just so you won't have to watch her grow up and "slip away." It's not fair to her. If you see that all of her friends are starting to date, that should be a wake up call. If your daughter has to be around all of her friends dating when she's not allowed, it will make her feel embarrassed, and will most likely cause her to rebel. I understand that you feel that 12 is too young, but you also want to keep your daughter's feelings in mind. Imagine how you would feel in her situation.

Answer 5

I am in the other boat right next to you so to speak. My daughter is 13 and developed. She wants to have a boyfriend, but I am as dead set against it as you are. Girls these days are not like alot of us were growing up. They learn faster and go much faster. Boys do too. I try to talk to my daughter and let her know that school should come first (she is struggling in school even without boys). Ask yourself this question is her friends a bad influence on your daughter? If you say yes then try to control who she hangs out with. I let my daughter know all the time that I control her social life as long as she lives under my roof. She may not like it. When your daughter cries, how does that make you feel? Guilty, if so then she has accomplished her mission. If you feel it would be best for you to change her school, that is a decision that has to be made by you. No one here can tell you what to do. I know you love your daughter or you wouldn't be asking for advice. Girls are hard to raise, I feel, because girls are complicated. Boys are just simple minded and that is not in the girls nature. I wouldn't compromise your rules, I stand firm on my rules at home as well. Sometimes tough love wins and sometimes it wins much later in life when they are grown.

Answer 6

When 12 y.o's date all they do is hold hands max. Unless you live in a ghetto neighbourhood of course, lol, then my advice would be to change neighbourhoods!
Holding hands for 12y.o.s is a big thing, and of course girls talk about boys, it's just natural!
I wouldn't try to seperate her from her friends or change schools, but sit down and have an open conversation with her. Very important point here: CONVERSATION, not lecture. Let her talk.
But if you're going to be talking morals and values, the best thing is to lead by example, and try to have her around friends and situations that aren't compromising (introduce her to new ones without stopping the old ones).
Best suggestion I can make is: has she got any hobbies? Does she like certain activities like swimming or music or acting? If you get her involved in somethign with a real energy outlet (remember, soon she will be 14 and at that age girls get....well, get kind of horny to be blunt, not as bad as boys obviously, but their hormones are running crazy as well). If she's got that energy outlet, and a happy, loving understanding home, she's got a good chance of staying on track!
Hope that helped...

Answer 7

Your rule is awesome, & you cannot bend or break it, you are right. What you & your daughter need is to keep a line of communication open. DO NOT allow her to build a wall between you. It's understandable that she's being pulled in the direction she is, with her friends going down that path. Try not to ask so many questions...but to give her a 'safe place' in which she can be honest with you. That safe place is created by your not judging or criticizing her OR her friends. The 2 of you need time together - doing something she enjoys, maybe? Show her you care about her feelings; listen, listen, listen - let her talk.
I'm praying for you both!

Answer 8

I have a daughter who is in 8th grade and just turned 13. Everything you are saying is exactly the way my husband and I felt last year. Not sure what it is about seventh grade, but we believe exactly as you, we stuck to our guns and she did slip away some, but we kept being active in her life in any way we could, and seems we have her back this year. She wasn't happy about it at first, but I think it was just because everyone else was dating and it was something new, now she understands why we feel this way. She watched a couple of her friends go through a rough time because they were too young to date and their parents allowed them to. Now she is glad of our decision. I think kids need for us to be the strong ones sometimes and just say no, because the pressure for them to is just too great. Hang in there, I feel next year will be better, ours is going great!!!

Answer 9

Phew! A caring parent. Just for the record, I am not a parent (in fact I am in high school) but I seem to share a parental view on these things.

My advice? Stick to your guns. Please do not listen to all of these people like "Omg, dating is like holding hands blahblahblah." The point is that dating is a grown-up thing. Regardless of how immature it may be in middle school, the intent is to "grow up" and be cool like an adult. I would not want my young teenager to be like this, so I applaud you for a similar view.

She is 12. There is not much that she can do without your permission. You, as the parent, have a right to know with whom she associates and what her friends do. Her "privacy" is less important than her safety. That does not mean that you should go reading her diary and snooping around. If you take a casual tone and attitude towards her social life, she will open up. If she continues to lie and get defensive, then huge red flags and blaring sirens should be going off. Please, for the sake of sanity, do not be really strict or mean about this towards her. By not "dating," she may already feel like she is at a disadvantage, and by repeating this constantly or nosing about her friends she may just not be able to take it. However, there may be something going on if she is actually hiding stuff from you. This concludes the communication aspect of the issue.

Now, because you are worried, make sure that she is safe. This means that you should know where she is at all times. If she is going to a movie, drop her off and pick her up. If she is going somewhere with friends, make sure that they stay together and at the stated location. This way, you eliminate the tension that might come from not knowing what she is doing, and if she is "dating." At 12, she should always be under adult supervision. I don't care what anyone else says, there is no reason for her to be alone, even with friends. It's not an issue of trust. It's an issue of trusting the situation, which you should not.

Now, do not move her out of schools. It seems like an overreaction to a small issue. She is incapable of dating anyway, so it really isn't a big issue. Just try to open yourself up to her, and get more information (kindly and slowly) about her friends and how she feels. You will improve communication and understand her viewpoint. In return, she will understand yours.

I fully agree with your views on the subject, and thank you for being a beacon of hope to some of us. Please do not let her get pregnant at 13 or something ridiculous. Also, these people saying that she will rebel blahblahblah are wrong. How can she rebel if she is 12? You should know where she is, so there isn't an issue there. You are the mom. Be one.

Hope this helps, and good luck.

Answer 10

I would say that 12 is too young to date. I think that you should sit down and talk to her and explain your definition and expectation of dating. See if she is thinking about dating in the same context of if the 2 of you are 2 ships passing in the foggy night on this issue.