HELP!Im stuck in the middle of a situation...my mother and husband.?

Question

My husband&I are married but separated Im 22 hes 28. Hes trying really hard to get use back together, I know no one is perfect,he messed up alot. He has come to his senses&wants us to be a family along with our 1month baby.My husband is an alcoholic he is really trying to change, I think everyone deserves a second chance. I feel confused and scared I dont want to get hurt...my husband was not providing our daughter w/anything he would waste all the$in our bank account on beer&drugs,now starting to give me for the baby and for myself hes no longer wasting it on trash...the problem is he wants to come over to my parents(which is where im staying)to spend the night with the baby and I. My mom told me he can come over but doesnt want him to spend the night, if he wants to eat he can take me out to eat and she will watch the baby, it seems like she doesnt want him to see the baby at all, and its not right what do i do? Its not my house but I feel like shes not helping things to get better

Answer 1

Well, if your mother said that he can come over, that would enable him to see the baby. It seems like she doesn't want him to spend the night though, which is up to her since it is her house.

Answer 2

Your mom's house, your mom's rules. Actually she is probably doing more to help your husband towards sobriety then you are. She is making sure he has to earn back his family. Your attitude about your husband's drinking sounds very co-dependent. You look like the big person willing to give the poor alcoholic another chance. Then, when you take him back you are the savior. That is the downfall of any recovery he may have. Your husband has a serious disease and it is going to take serious work in order for him to get better. All the stuff he says he's going to do needs to be done and his life in order before you even consider merging your life with him again. All the stuff he's doing, like giving to you and the child, should be on going for at least a year to make sure he can maintain the behavior. Supporting his child shouldn't be seen by you as a reward worthy deed your husband does. It is his job and one he should have been doing all along. You have to seriously consider whether or not he will continue down the right path when it is an old routine he isn't being praised to do. You should join Al-anon, a support group for wives and other family members of alcoholics, to learn where you fit into all of this. You need to find out what you can do to insure that the changes your husband's trying to make will last past the point of you returning to him.

Answer 3

She is concerned and she should be. It's great he wants to make things work out, but nothing changes over night. You need to stay put and give him some time to prove he is committed to changing. My brother in law and sister in law have been having this fight for 10 years now. She gets fed up and either leaves or kicks him out. That lasts maybe a week or two and then he's all sorry, promising to change. And he does for a month or 2 (tops) and then the cycle starts all over. Take this slow, for your sake and your baby's. Your mom said he can come over, since the baby is there he will see him/her there. Your mom just doesn't want him staying the night. You should let him come over spend time with the baby, maybe go grab a bite to eat and then he can go home. I wouldn't' be rushing to jump back into the situation you just left, especially with a young infant to think about.

Answer 4

Your mom is fine with him coming over, but not spending the night. And thats her right to make rules. Your mom is helping you out big time by having you and her grandaughter there in her home. She'll even watch the baby while you and hubby go out. She's doing alot already. Be thankful. She prolly has trust issues with him, and thats understandable. I know I would be if I were her. I have 5 daughters of my own. Anyways, be thankful for your mom and a little more understanding.

Its awesome that hubby is making changes. Be the best support system for him.

Best wishes!

Answer 5

Your mother is just protecting her own...she doesn't want him getting too comfortable in her home. She is letting him know that he F'd up. She is offering the two of you a chance to get away and have some adult time so you can talk...that would be something very hard to do while the baby is crying or needing your attention. What he should do is come over while she is awake then once she's down for the night the two of you can go to dinner. Your mother isn't in any way hampering your efforts to reconcile or see his daughter. She is however, making it clear to him that she doesn't approve of his behavior and he is going to have to earn her trust and forgiveness for hurting her daughter and her granddaughter.

Answer 6

Your mom is trying to protect her child. It is her home and she has the right to insist you follow her rules. Family will always be there even when lovers are long gone. Your mom is trying to get your husband to step up and realize he cannot have full family benefits without doing some work. Give your mom a break, she is only trying to look out for the well being of her daughter and grandbaby. A lot of women wish their mom was as understanding and helpful as yours has been.

Answer 7

I think that you should have a talk with your mother and thank her for everything that she has been doing for you, and letting you and the baby come into her home, but also remind her that the baby is yours and your husbands and not hers. If you decide to let him see her, than that is entirely your decision ans no one else's. The only thing she technically has a say in is whether or not he is allowed at her house, and whether or not he can stay the night. Good luck with everything.

Answer 8

Your username indicates you are a christian? Pray about it and let God work in your life. Dont rush back into your life with him, alchoholism takes time to rehabilitate. I think your mom is actually being great about this, letting him in her home and willing to watch the baby so you two can go out. I would take advantage of this and date your husband for awhile, she is letting him be around the baby but she is right about him not spending the night. He hasn't proven himself yet. I would spend time seeing a christian counselor and take this opportunity to change your life!

Answer 9

listen to your mother.......I take it your husband has been to rehabilitation for his drug and alcohol problems (which takes at least 30 days) and is active in AA? If not, you are going to get burned again and you need to protect your baby (much like your mother is trying to do, protect her baby and her grandbaby)........your mother is helping ...she said he can come over, he just can't spend the night (which is smart and sensible). If your husband has really made such great strides he will find this totally agreeable.....

Answer 10

drugs and beer are a tuff one to over come. no one can be better over night it takes yrs to over come something like this.
maybe you and your husband need to start over in your relationship. start by going out on dates. don't be in a hurry to go back home. let him prove to you that he is really going to change. this can not happen in a month or two, things like this take time. alot of time.
your mother need to step back and let you and your husband take care of your own problems, let her know that you are thank ful for all that she is doing and all that she has done for you and the baby. but you need also to let your husband know that your not going to live like this either.
he needs to go to A.A. meetings and deal with this sad situation. really this is very serious stuff and not to be taken lightly. these kinds of things rule a persons life, and it is truly a sickness, that has to be dealt with NOW!!!
really this is not any kind of life for you or your baby. but if he loves you and really wants to get better then you should be there for him every step of the way. he really does need you. but be careful so that he's
not hiding things behind your back, and so that he not just changing for a little while until you move back home. becuz alcohlics do get abusive, and that don't mean by just hitting you that means verbal also. and you don't deserve that either. he needs to get his priorities together before you can start a new life together. so what ever you do. just make sure you know what your getting your self into before you get back with him. this is going to be along tuff road ahead of you and him. but it can be done as long as this is what he wants to do. as far as change. but remind him he can't do it along, he needs to go get help before it's to late.
i really wish you the best of luck. just take care of the most important thing and that is your baby, and your self.