Here's another poem.?

Question

As I get to the top of the hill,
I look down at the beautiful world below.
The blazing sunset tears at the evening sky,
and glistens off the dark saphier waters,
making the water sparkle.
As the sun rays dance.
The sound of the sea is still here,
carried up by the cool breeze,
like angels rising to heaven.
The dirt road,
like a long brown ribon,
winds past the sweet white cottages,
and ends at he grand white cabin,
where we stay.
Our entire family,
all in one place.
The sea wind whips my hair,
whispering the secrets of so many summers.
I gather the last of the firewood,
and gently glide down the mountain,
carried by the calling of gulls.
Soon the sky will be dark,
and full of glowing stars,
soon a fire will be blazing,
in the fire pit next to the grand white cabin,
warming the chilly air of the night.
Soon I will look through the gap in the trees,
surrounding our cabin.
And I will see the stars,
twinkling their hellos.

nee to add this...

as night settles,
so will the ringing of laughter,
and the love,
that I wish was always there.

Answer 1

wow it's so pretty, like the words are so pretty! Good job!!!!

Answer 2

Your poem is full of beautiful images, and when you create them, you are "showing" us your vision. However, there are lines that you could edit that currently "tell" so that they "show" instead. Which ones? Let's start with the first line: "As I get to the top of the hill", why not just say, "taking in the hilltop's view"? We'll understand that you didn't have the view until you got there, and that you had to climb up to get the view...in other words, it "implies" the action, whereas your line "tells" of the action. "The blazing sunset" could be "A blazing sunset"...what's the difference? When you say "the" you refer to a specific object, when you say "a" you refer to a less specific object, and since you're creating an image, it's better, in this case, to be less specific so there isn't too much attention drawn to the sunset, which is not the main focus of your poem. Also, I think you meant "sapphire" waters, not "saphier", right? The line after that is redundant with the line that follows it; if it "glistens" it "sparkles", so to correct this redundancy, I'd recommend changing the line to: "water sparkles, sun rays dance". Also, combining two lines you can get, "Sounds of the sea are carried up by cool breezes, rising like angels to heaven." I'd recommend replacing "dirt" with "dark, loamy road" or "soft, earthy road", something more descriptive than "dirt", especially when writing such a beautiful piece. I'd also edit out a number of "the"s....winds past sweet white cottages...doesn't need a "the". Other edits are of a similar nature, and I'd combine the last two lines to read, "And see the stars twinkling hello"

keep writing....you have beautiful vision

Answer 3

Your salted tears mingle with mine; I long for days of sunlit beach trips. Even the minnows belly up in a line bring a quiver to my lips. I had a notion that the earth's ocean would be where the secrets were hidden. Now I can see no depths in the sea the images come to me, unbidden of a shy octopus cowering in a tank, seals and walrus' no longer playing, instead they circle a ship that sank glad that the drowned ones are staying. Sometime soon, a ship on the moon will depart out dead earth for another. The prophecies of doom linger and loom; Bless you in your sorrow, my Brother.

Answer 4

Nothing special. You need to work on eliminating unnecessary words... One example of a line that has to much is "in the fire pit next to the grand white cabin"

You also need some better word choices - lots of your describing words are overused - try finding an adjective that would typically not be associated with the word.

I am guessing you are young (early high school) - If you are seriously interested in poetry, I suggest taking some creative writing classes.

Answer 5

So pleasant and peaceful. If I say any more about your poetry, I'll just be repeating myself :)

Parts I really liked:
"the blazing sunset tears..."
"like a long brown ribbon,"
"The sea wind whips my hair,
whispering the secrets of so many summers."
(I love 's' sounds :)

I like the little bits of personification in this. You make it seem so easy.

Answer 6

You are an excellent writer (emphesis on excellent). I dont know how old you are, but for any age, this is definently pro work. You made me feel so many emotions and I loved the poem! It opened my eyes to how beautiful the earth is! I think you should become a famous poet some day. Bravo!

Excellent Work,
Me :]

Answer 7

That is very sweet and prettily written, too. Sounds like you have a nice family.

Answer 8

I said that I would love to read more from you, and wow did you come through. You are amazing, and have excellent talent. Congratulations. I would love to read even more of your poems, because you indeed have talent.

Answer 9

I would be greatly interested to read more of your work for i believe you have extraordinary talent.

Answer 10

Nice you should start a myspace page and put up your poetry.

Answer 11

poet to poet, that was very interesting. it definately captured my eye. it was a great poem. It definately made me feel like i was there. good job.