My marriage SHOULD HAVE worked but DID NOT!?

Question

My question is this. How many couples thought your marriage was going to work out because there should have been no reason that it should not have. Both parties took every precaution that you could have imagined. You planned ahead the kids, the money, the vacations, the in-laws visiting, etc....Yet, you broke up within about 10 years or less. Read my story and see if you can relate to it. Give me lots of DETAILS so I can see if what happened to you happened to me.

I took every precaution to make my marriage work. I planned on getting married when I was in my 30's so that I would be at a mature age. I am a very clean cut man so I chose a very clean cut lady. Both of us work as professors at the same university. We dated for a year. We were engaged for one and a half years. We are getting a divorce after being married 5 years. Suddenly we were not compatible even though in the begining we were. What went wrong?

Answer 1

i can relate to your story, my ex and i also worked in the same place and then seeing her at home somehow took its toll. it was like seeing her in a different light without the rose colored glasses and i'm sure she felt the same way although i can't be sure. in hindsight i wish we worked at different places we could have had a much needed outlet away from each other.

Answer 2

Sounds like you approached this as a job... or a chore.... You need to work at marriage. Its not smooth sailing if you get someone like you. Its like driving a car off the lot... Yes is nice when you first get it, but you have to do continuous maintenance to keep it running smooth. You don't go 5 years and not change the oil or anything....

As for marriage, its not that easy. You have someone else's emotions, fears, insecurities, personality, etc and no longer just yourself. You have to work at it EVERYDAY.

I want to be at the end of my marriage... exhausted... Then I know I did all I could possibly do. Even then if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. All I can do is try my best and hope for the best.

Answer 3

I really don't think anyone can answer that question. Relationships are based on more than having a lot in common, they're how well you can relate to your partner...whether or not you listened and, if you did listen, were you hearing exactly what she said?

I know your situation, just went through the same thing myself. I was married for almost 20 years and found myself being drawn into another relationship, and I'm paying for it now... trust me.

Now, people look at me like I'm some sort of a ****, or a whore...and I truly do feel like I am a lot of times, or rather that I at least deserve what they're thinking about me.

The reason I asked if you actually heard what your wife was saying, is that I couldn't get my husband to hear me.

This guy actually told my husband that he was in love with me. I was so shocked, I couldn't believe it. Then, that lead to anger and actually helped air out some of the problems we had [for a short while, anyway].

My husband wasn't ever affectionate to me, at least not in public. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a "sit on the park bench and 'get it on' type of person", but, rather, hold my hand, or throw an arm around me once in awhile.

My husband called me "Maw", the liar I fell for called me by my name, or "beautiful".

My husband loved to spend money on himself. My children went without glasses, but he had a new vehicle every couple of years, a new shiny grill, and a big screen tv--not to mention, elaborate vacations.

All the while, I'm pretty naive about our money situation. I worked the entire marriage and took care of a lot of the purchases necessary to run a household, but when he told me "don't worry about, I'm taking care of it"... Why would I have worried? Next thing you know, we're losing the house, the utilities were being credit carded...

Lack of trust and lack of communication are huge reasons our relationship went sour. Your situation just kinda struck a chord with me, because I, too, never thought I'd be getting a divorce, nor the party responsible for it occuring.

Answer 4

No offense but; you never said anything about love. If you go at marriage like a project what did you expect? People don't work on paper, they live in life. It sounds like you thought of your wife and marriage (from your brief description) like a piece of some puzzle as opposed to a whole new one.

Planning ahead is good, but how about living in the moment and meeting someone you enjoy being with instead of someone who fits your financial profile...

Answer 5

There is not a "no-fail formula" for marriage. We as human beings with free will have the ability to change. Sometimes couples can change together, and sometimes the changes do not work. My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in Feb. 2008. We are changing together, that sometimes takes work from both sides to find a common ground. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes having a third party listen to both sides can help you resolve some of the differences.

Best of Luck!

Answer 6

I see 2 things already....

l. You seem to be controlling. Life isn't like that. There are your plans, her plans, and then GOD's. Or destiny's....if you prefer. Things don't always go the way it's planned out and sometimes not the way things should've gone. SH, you know?

2. Someone, either you or she, went through some changes and you apparently didn't notice until now. A little slow......and a little bit too late, maybe?

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I know how it feels. My plans didn't go quite right, either. And like you, I'm searching for some answers too (no matter what they are, I still won't be living the life i thought I'd be living at this stage. Very disappointing). Anyway, Good luck to you.

Answer 7

It looks good on paper, but did you love her? Did she love you? You have to look at yourself and ask Did I really want her or just to be married?

The next time you plan the perfect life you now know that a plan is just that. You cannot plan life, it happens. You are not a failure if your marriage doesn't work. Learn from this. But you have to look at this honestly, we on this board don't know what happened between the two of you.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

I agree, you definitely can't blame yourself. Peoples priority change with circumstances they're exposed. It sounds like you took every precaution but sometimes that isn't enough. If she won't go to counseling or even try to compromise then there's not much else you can do. You can't change how a person feels you can only do what's best for you now!

I'm very sorry to hear about it though.

Answer 9

The best laid plans of men and mice. You can plan all you want but you there are going to be things that life throws at you that you didn't plan for. As far as you guys getting divorced after 5 years maybe you both changed. Things that I wanted or planned when I was 20 have now changed 15 years later.

Answer 10

I never been married so i have no idea but it sounds like it was boring. Like you just planed too much and there was no excitement or spontaneous action on either side. Thats what i get from the imfo you gave but you have to think did you like the same things or fight alot. None of this may be the case maybe she just wasn't the one for you. Don't be so down everything happens for a reason.

Answer 11

Well you don't really go into details as to what it was that made the relationship fail. Did you guys argue a lot and if so, about what? Are there kids involved? Were you having money issues? You need to elaborate a little more so we can get a better understanding as to why your marriage failed.