How can women empower themselves to move on from an abusive relationship?

Question

Abuse comes in many forms -- emotional, mental, psychological and, of course, physical. Often, women who find themselves in abusive relationships find it difficult to leave, for various reasons. What can women who find themselves in this type of situation do to find the strength and courage to move on?

Find out more about help for victims of domestic violence: Ernestine's Women's Shelter: http://www.ernestines.ca

Answer 1

Get in touch with a support network - especially a women's shelter - such as Ernestine's Women's Shelter.
If she lives far from a shelter, call the nearest one and ask if they can provide some sort of long distance support or if they can recommend a nearby shelter that does have the facilities to reach out.
Counselling is ideal, but not everyone can afford that - so calling a mental health centre to see if they can hook the woman up with a free counselling service is a good idea.
The more resources the woman is in touch with - internal and external - the more likely she will feel able to leave the abuser.

She also needs to discover why she is staying with the abuser (fear of being alone or her self-esteem is so damaged that she feels she can't do better may be some reasons) - this way she can start to deal with these emotions and break the ties to the abuser.

She needs to believe she deserves better and that she can do better - if she has close friends who can help convince her of this, then that is great. If she doesn't, a shelter or counselling service can help. It can also help if she reads books on the subject and visualizes positive outcomes associated with leaving.

She can also turn within to find the strength - and take it one day at a time.

An exit strategy has to be formed - so that she can financially, physically, and mentally leave the relationship. Her safety has to be considered since leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for the woman in the relationship. Shelters help a woman to make the break, and sensitive friends and family can also contribute.

The courage will be found if the woman believes that she deserves better and can do better. It isn't easy, but with help from family, friends, a shelter, or a counsellor, the woman can break free. If she has no access to any of these, she can still do it but it isn't as easy. She has to realize she is braver than she thinks she is and make the leap and realize that life will get so much better after.

Answer 2

First of, you need to realize and accept that things WILL get worse, before it can get better. Sure, the most natural thing other people will say is 'turn to your family and friends, and that there are support groups out there'. For someone who is in the middle of an abusive relationship, that sentence means nothing. Different people have different opinions on things, (you will even have people telling you to "work it out") and sometimes, you just have to reach deep down inside you and take a good look around -- it could be worse...just turn to CNN.
Bottom line, we all have a right to live and a free will to choose how we do that 'living'. If you are in the middle of an abusive relationship & you are still alive, that just shows strength. Every situation is different, if you have someone that can help you, great...if not, go to a shelter. It may not be the best accommodations, but believe it or not, you are not the only one going through this, even if at the moment it doesn't seem so. I kept quiet for a number of years because I am ashamed to admit that I am being abused. Well, you have a choice, you can be ashamed and change things, or you can continue to pretend that all is well and the ending to that is a toss up.
Personally, after I 'walked away', it took 2 years to shake off the stalking, the threats and the depression that ensued from all these. I faced it head on by volunteering at the women's shelter. There, I met all these brave faces, that actually went through a lot more than I did. It was not only therapeutic, it was liberating...knowing that I am not alone. You hear it too often, but unless you are living that revelation...it means nothing.

But first...YOU NEED TO WANT TO WALK AWAY...

Answer 3

The first thing you must do is get yourself a confidante you can discuss issues concerning your situation with. Who ever that is going to be, must empathize with your feelings at all levels. It can be an old friend who is successful, a paid professional capable of chatting with you any time of the day without time restrictions, a church minister or something close, or a reliable family member. Together you two can objectively investigate the situation and decide if the abuse is a reflection of your own characteristics that may need alteration, or if the other person is trapped in another dimension where relating to a loving partner is just not their thing.

If the latter is the case, and you have not been logging and reporting your problems to the authorities, then you should start. If it is the former, you will know what to do. Depending on the severity of the situation, you can either document by secret video taping, or audio recording, or swallow your ego and move into a shelter. Even if you are rich, a shelter should be your first port of call. From here, you can identify with others from your background, learn everything you can, and build on your learning to move on and build a new life for yourself.

One very good idea will be to move at least fifty km from your previous location.

In your future journeys, always remember that LOVE is a four letter word, just like any four letter word. It is how people interpret it that matters.

Answer 4

As a woman that has just left an abusive relationship, let me say that there are many ways to empower yourself and move on. My first step was to acknowledge that it was abuse. Calling it any other name than what it is was not being truthful nor fair to me. I then began counselling and took the long road to start my journey. The next is to have people that believe in you and support you. I had a principal at the school where I now work that helped me when no one else would give me a second thought. I then went back to school, I volunteered in an area of my life that I truly enjoyed and lastly, I moved out and filed for a separation. I have only been in my new place for three weeks but already feel much more empowered, I am making my own decisions, I live free of fear, and am much more relaxed. I still have many legal battles to overcome, money is a tiny bit of an issue but I have faith and hope. My only real concern now is being alone and never finding someone that will love and respect me for me. Especially since I have two kids that are a bit older, 10 and 7. i am afraid I will be viewed as a quick lay and not someone to build a lasting relationship with. My ex- has already found a new girlfriend after only 3 months of being separated and it just so happens she lives where I have just moved to. Coincidence or just an other example of the power and control?

Answer 5

If you've identified it as abuse, you've already taken a step in the right direction. Alot of women will stay in a relationship for years without even knowing that they are being abused. As stated, it comes in many forms, some of which are very sublime. It's almost like an addiction on the abuser's part in that it becomes chronic and progressive. When the abused (I'm not going to say women, because it goes both ways)party acquiesces, they're feeding that addiction. For many reasons, the abused doesn't speak out. They may feel that they're alone, ashamed, weak, or even stay in the relationship for fear of being deemed a failure. Whatever the reason, a large majority stay. How do you find the strength and courage to move on?...First, you have to find a very strong and reliable confidante, or support group... as I stated, most victims feel they're alone and that's instilled in them by the abuser. Once you've developed a trust with an outside source, MOVE OUT! This can't be a gradual thing and the abuser musn't know. This is an art form to them and they can cajole you into staying. Don't worry about leaving material things behind- once you feel strong enough, persuit it through litigation (take pictures of the items you'll eventually want back as proof). If you leave with your health, everything else is a bonus. You might even want to take the 12 step program (or a similar program), and apply it to yourself in a form that works for you to get through. Just remember that if you stay in the relationship, you're fascilitating the addiction and in a sense becoming the enabler.

Answer 6

Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most difficult things to do. By the time a woman realizes that she is in such a relationship, she has already been beaten down to a level where she can't think for herself. I know, I've been there and never want to end up in an abusive relationship again. I was at a low point in my life, my mom died, and I reached out to the wrong person. It was okay at first but it started to changed slowly but surely. And really, that is the key to understanding why women don't leave a bad relationship sooner. It happens slowly, and over a period of time. You don't realize what is happening as you begin to believe that the treatment you are now gettting is somehow your fault. And so it begins....the cycle of abuse.....and before you know it, you can't do anything right anymore. Your perception is very clouded as you try to figure things out, all the while he is breaking you down even more.

A woman in this situation feels like everything is her fault and will try to recitfy the situation by being a "better wife or girlfriend" as the cycle of abuse continues again.

What can women who find themselves in this situation do to find the strength and courage to move on, you ask? Well, that is the answer- she needs to find the strength and courage to leave - that is the only way.

Call the crisis line everyday if you have to and make a safety plan, gather all your personal papers and stash them at a friends who you can trust. Don't listen to people who say to you things like " He such a nice guy, are you sure that he's abusing you".....if you have a moment of clarity one day....go with it because it is happening and it is not all in your head. The crisis line can get you in touch with a woman's shelter and remember you don't have to pay for anything.....they will keep you and your children safe and help you get on your feet. You may go back to the abuser and it may take you a few times to finally get away, but don't give up.....it happens to the best of us.....and remember, if you could handle the situation with him, you can handle it on your own because you are a strong woman to have gone through the abusive in the first place.

Power to all of the women who find themselves in an abusive relationship and congratulations to those who have left....

Answer 7

I am going to answer this question from a personal stand point, I broke free from a 13 year abusive relationship, one that nearly took my life on several occasions.
The first thing we need to focus on is education, and this education needs to begin for young people both boys and girls. The reason being is that the majority of the time people being abused came from abusive homes where there own mom was abused, so girls from abusive homes often become abused, and boys from abusive homes often become the abuser. That is why it is so important to speak to young people about these issues in schools, don't treat these things like the dirty little secret they eventually become.
Once a women is in an abusive relationship it becomes so important for her not to become isolated from friends and family because that is when the psychological effects of abuse really take hold and she gives up.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship it is important to tell the abused how important she is, and how she deserves so much better. Direct that person toward some self help resources. Suggest seeking counseling on her own without the other person finding out. Eventually she will realize she does not deserve to be treated like this and will get the courage to get out. It is a long road to recovery afterwards and I would strongly suggest counselling. It has been 7 years since I was in an abusive relationship and I still struggle with issues that are a direct result of being abused.

Answer 8

We can empower ourselves by learning the signs and type of abuse methods that are used. Seeking help ASAP when the abuse is in the early stages. Not staying quiet when we have been abused. Filing reports with the police and following through. Have an exit plan that will place us somewhere that is safe.

We must also be supportive of each other. Contacting the police when we realize that a woman is being abused. Providing information about programs and shelters to all women.
Remembering that we are not the problem. That's important in my opinion. There have been women I have known who seem to feel that they have done something wrong. The abuser is the one.

Sharing information with young females that will help them to recognize when they are in a potentially dangerous or abusive situation.

I would urge any female who is in an abusive setting to get help! Don't be afraid or ashamed because you have been abused. Seek help please.

I had a friend who was beat to death by an abusive spouse. No one even called the police when they heard her cries for help. She had a baby at that time. The child was in the house when this senseless murder took place. The abuser is in jail. However I can't help but wonder what the outcome would of been if just one call had been placed to 911.

Answer 9

Sometimes leaving an abusive relationship has nothing to do with planning...it just happens. At least in my situation it did. Throughout my relationship with this individual, there was the typical warning signs; jealousy, anger, screaming, threatening, etc. The straw that broke the camel's back happened on the last night I saw him. This was the first and last time he ever laid a hand on me. It was the most shocking and disturbing experience that I have ever been through. I was extremely lucky. All I had were bruises on my neck, head, and arms. The next day I knew that if I didn't tell someone I would continue to talk to him and it would happen again. I told my parents and my friends. In the end I got an order of protection. He moved to California. (The best thing that ever happened). That was 8 months ago. Has there been a day that this has not crossed my mind? A few, here and there, but mainly it is something that always lies beneath the surface of my thoughts. I can't honestly say how I got through the first couple of months, but yes, time takes the edge off, and you get used to living life without that person. My advice to those who are being abused is to tell someone what is happening, because your family and friends will be your support system throughout the whole process. Get an order of protection. It may seem like just a piece of paper, but it documents the abuse. Lastly, the solution for me was to take one day at a time. I could never bring myself to look at the whole picture, because if I did, I would lose it. So instead, I concentrated on getting through one day, and then another day, and then the next, and so on. One day I woke up and my first thoughts of the day weren't about him or about what happened to me, and I knew that I was going down the right path.

Answer 10

As a collective whole I don't believe that women appreciate just how powerful they are. I think many woman find it difficult to stand up for themselves and take their energy back. For women who are in abusive relationships of any sort it is especially challenging but also potential for amazing growth. Peer support groups or talking to other women that have been in similar positions could be helpful to #1 not feel alone and #2 gather collective strength from others support and encouragement. If they have children drawing on the super power "mom strength" can be helpful. Some of these women feel so little about themselves and lack self respect so doing it to make a better life doesn't always seem like a viable option. When you have children you will do ANYTHING to protect them from harm, use this desire and natural urge to better the kids life, therein bettering the women's life as well.

It's such a difficult challenge however one that is completely conquerable!!!! Have faith in the self, community and the belief that we all share an extremely powerful strength that is ours for taking!!!!