Am I dreaming or avoiding the inevitable? Can it actually be as good as it seems?

Question

I have been married 25 years. I love my husband very much. In the beginning he was physically abusive. I left for a little bit, we worked it out, and the physical abuse stopped. But was replaced by emotional abuse, not name calling, but he knew how to manipulate and control me. As I got older I realized I didn't want to go on like this. I sought professional help, he wouldn't, but i started to feel empowered. Started being my own person. Didn't go over very well, he resorted to saying some not so nice things to gain control over me. When I wouldn't allow him to control me he realized he needed to change. And he really has made changes to the point that he is almost a new man. Things seem to be going very well, but I can't help think in the back of my mind that the old man will come back. It is a real fear of mind, never sure what is going to cause him to go. I am fully prepared to leave if it becomes an issue again. But not sure if I should cut my losses now, or keep tryin

I know you are all thinking how could I love him. But its kinda weird. I don't think he means to hurt me, its almost like he is obsessed with me. He thinks, (he has told me) I am smarter than he is, better looking than he is, better at many things. I do my best to build up his self esteem, and it works, but for how long?

Answer 1

God has worked in your life and his....praise him for that! All things can be done through Christ and it sounds like you both have really put forth alot of effort to get to this point equally which is awesome because it isn't one sided. Enjoy your rewards! Enjoy this new life because in all reality you BOTH have become new people not just him. Good for you I think alot of people could benefit from your story so share it. I enjoyed reading this because too often people just give up. So in answer to your question, no I don't think you are dreaming I think you and your husband are awesome and if more couples were as committed as the two of you the divorce ratio in our society today wouldn't be so high! Congrats and best wishes and enjoy your new life!!

Answer 2

Wow hard question.. 25 years is along time to give up on , no doubt.. and u say he has been trying and things have been going better, but u didnt mention the time frame that he's been well behaved.. if its only been a couple months.. id say 2 months compared to 25 years of abuse, that he'll eventually revert to old habits, if he's gone for a long time of not showing signs of being abusive, then its very possible that he realized the error of his ways.. and more then likely his anger issues will always be something he has to fight, almost like an addiction..
I think that u should stay for now, if he's truely trying and he's shown that he's truely trying then id stay i mean u stayed 25 years, u mine as well see where this goes.. but the first "red flag " that he's turned back into Mr. Hyde.. then let that be your final straw.. and dont look back..

Answer 3

You have come a long way to get here. Lots of good and bad. You kept on trying and sticking with it, your husband has and is realizing some of his mistakes. If things are going well then why think of leaving? If he is making the effort to change where is the problem? Communicate with him. Talk. Let him know you see the changes, that you appreciate them. If it goes well keep up the communication, tell him how you feel, how you worry, how you don't want things to go back to the way they were. After 25 years of marriage, all the effort on your part and his, all the love you have for each other, isn't it worth it to keep trying? You have come so far, why give up now when things are good? Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 4

If it has taken 25 years to get this far then I would give it one more chance then cut your loses. I sounds like you should have done that ages ago.
Next time things get bad see if you can say with someone for a few weeks and see how much you enjoy being away from him. You will be surprised how peaceful it is. I am assuming you have no little kids to take care of. Even if you did I will still be tempted to either kick him out of the house or move out for a break.
My advice comes from 18 years of marriage not someone who has never been married or gave up after two years.

Answer 5

Sounds like he has really changed. He realized how great you are and doesnt want to lose you. What you did was exactly what you needed to do, make him realize what you are capable of. I wish a lot more women were like you and stood up for themselves!! I would def stick it out with him but never let your guard down enough and be ready and able to leave IF you have to... Hopefully you two will be together happily for your 50th!! Good Luck!

Answer 6

Are you happy? If you are than stay, especially if you are prepared to leave when or if he gets bad again. Your problems could be worse, he could of never changed and if you've stayed this long, you kind of owe it to him to give him a chance to change and make up for all the bad behavior.

Answer 7

I was in the same kind of marriage for 8 years and I feared for my life and our sons life everyday you will soon get fed up with the wondering and when you do you will leave

Answer 8

Stop anticipating the bad stuff. How can you ever enjoy the present worrying over the past and the future? Enjoy your moment, here and now. Cross that bridge when and if it ever returns. God Bless.

Answer 9

If he really is a "new man" then enjoy the ride.

If the "old" man comes back, then leave him without a word.

Answer 10

don't leave him, cause if you really had a big problem you would have left already.... you actually like the way he treats you...... so just stick with it....