Fiancee hates kids?

Question

Help!I never told my fiancee that i had a son from a prior relationship.I did not tell him because i was embarrassed since i got pregnant when i was 20 yrs old by an ex.bf during a fling and gave birth right before i turned 21 yrs old.It was awful my ex.bf had been my first real bf ect.. so i trusted him but he never mentioned his new gf.I was humiliated by all the drama it caused.Five months after i gave birth i met my current bf now fiancee when i returned to college we became friends and study buddies.Another 5 months later we started dating casually.Originally when we first started dating i just omitted this fact because it was the beginning of the relationship and i did not want to scare him away.Now its 3.5 year later and i still have not told him and it was implied accidently that my son is my brother a fact i did not contradict!I been feeling really guilty and was getting ready to come clean but during the conversation he told me he hates kids and even had a vasectomy?

I supposed to get married in 2 weeks and i feel sick to my stomache about this?How do i get out of this mess even if he accepts my son he still hates kids?

When i first started dating my fiancee my parents and my ex's parents were doing the most of the child raising.To this day they still babysit for me alot and i avoid bringing my fiancee to my apartment.

Answer 1

Dishonesty, even by omission has consequences, Call the wedding off, give him back the ring and tell him you are sorry for lying to him and wasting his time.

Answer 2

For me, this is incomprehensible. I know a lot of people who have done this and I just don't get it. You lied to him on so many levels. A lie of omission is a lie nonetheless, and I don't know if an untruth that large is something that a couple can overcome, especially so close to the wedding.

I understand why you didn't tell him in the beginning, but after awhile, a simple sentence would have avoided the turmoil you're going through now. I did the same thing; when my husband and I first met, I had a two-year-old (whose father passed shortly after his birth) and I was neither trying to date, nor bring a man into my child's life. After he and I spent some significant time together, I told him that I enjoyed the time we spent together and that I wanted to let him know that I was a mother. I did this because I know that some men won't even consider dealing with women who have children for a variety of reasons, and I didn't feel it was my place to take away that choice from him. He was cool with that fact, even though I think he was nervous about it, and it was still another few months before he even met my kid. Everything was very slow and they have a strong bond because I was honest with him.

You had opportunity after opportunity to tell him, and when the "accidental implication" occured, you should have told him RIGHT THEN. There is no excuse for that. There is obviously a trust issue on your part, and if there isn't on his, there will be. The other issue, is that you've presented this child in a fashion which seems as though you're ashamed of him, and that just doesn't fly with me. You shouldn't have let the brother thing slide by without an immediate contradiction on your part.

You can't MAKE him do anything. He'll deal the way he needs to deal. However, people in love are capable of forgiveness over much larger things, so just be straight with him. Explain the situation and your choices, but don't try to justify and don't be patronizing. If you two are really in love, he'll make an effort to get past this with you and he'll get to know and bond with your child on a different level. After all, the child is a part of you, and presumably, your intended will love anything which came from you, right? I think you probably need to postpone the ceremony until you two can work out your issues and work on creating a family.

I wish you good luck in this. I do hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to tell u this, but if u have a child, and that child means everything to you, i wouldn't marry this man. it would be one thing if he didn't want kids, but he just hates them and u have one, how the hell did he not find out that your child was your son, if your child is 3 or 4, doesn't he call you mommy? i am very confused about your situation.... all i know is that i have a 4 year old daughter and she is my world, my bf now is not her father and he loves kids and loves her very much, if this wasn't the case he would be out the door in a second, no questions asked. u have a responsibility to that child! HE comes first, always remember that. U should of came clean from the beginning. Try and tell him and see what he says, not to be negative, but i guarantee u will not be getting married in 2 weeks.

Answer 4

What are you waiting for you should of told him long time ago you have a son. Yes I understand at the beginning its none of his business but once he proposed to you it was time to tell him you have a son. Your past is your past just like his. As you stated in a receipt conversation he mentioned he hates kids and had a vasectomy. This was a subject he should of told you when you first started getting serious and before he even proposed. Having children should be a joint agreement. He should of told you he had this operation and for you not to expect any children from him. Your still young you may want to have more children down the road. I seriously think you should sit down with him and have a serious conversation about marriage an children before you say I DO. It is not normal for a person to say they hate kids when they were once one themselves.

Answer 5

It's interesting that you ask how to get out "of this mess even if he accepts my son" when it sounds like YOU don't even accept your son.
The fact that you DENIED or HID having a child from him over the course of 3.5 years and 'implied accidentally' that your own child was your 'brother' is really disturbing and sickening.
I would come VERY clean with your fiance and put all the cards on the table. Because in the future, after you are married and he WILL find out you have a child, he may leave you faster than you can say, I'm really his mother.

Answer 6

Honey, you should have told him. He will probably not be happy and be prepared for a break up. If he does not like children - don't expect him to change for your son. When a man doesn't want his own child - he will not want another man's child for sure. Your relationship doesn't seem like there is enough communication - didn't you know he did not want kids before this???? I understand that you were afraid of his reaction to you having a child, but this will be a shock now. Also - a relationship is based on honesty and you have deceived him. Your son comes first before any man. You must tell him and be prepared for the worst. Any man that would not accept my child would not be good for me - the child always comes first. Good luck - you have to be honest now.

Answer 7

I have 3 boys of my own and my bf has 4 children and we have been through this already, i understand the children would rather have both the parents together but that isnt always possible and what we did was have family fun night and the kids interacted more with each other and get along pretty good now i cant say there isnt argueing but we all live under one roof and handle things day by day , we also when there is a problem sit down and have a meeting and let the kids voice their opinions we dont let it be a screaming match but we let them know their opinion is welcome but there wont be any name calling. so far it is working, hope this helped alittle

Answer 8

There are some holes in this story. Just how naive is your fiance? Honestly I can tell if you ever had kids by looking at a photograph of your pelvic regon. How could he not know if you have been having sex with him for 3.5 years? As a 41 year old male, whom has had many partners with and without children, I can tell you that it is pretty easy to tell.

You are going to have to tell him. If I was he, you would be finished. I would never marry anyone whom has a child, nor would I marry anyone whom has lied to me for so long.

Also don't belive the "unban legends" about vasectomies. You won't find a scar. I had one, and I have no scar.

Answer 9

I'm not sure where to begin. This will be an extremely hard pill for you to swallow.

As a mother, how dare you! Your child should come first, before ANYTHING. Caring, compassionate mothers DO NOT hide their children to fulfill their own selfish desires. Your son depends on you for his shelter, food - basic everyday needs. If I were you, I'd pray that my son's father didn't try to take custody, especially if he finds out about this.

Furthermore, I wouldn't expect your fiance to stick around. This is a HUGE lie; I don't know that he'll be capable of trusting you again. If you are willing to pass off your own son as your brother, what else are you willing to lie about?

This entire situation is a testament to the fact that you ARE NOT READY to get married. You aren't prepared to share your entire life with someone. Marriage is more than a romantic relationship taken to the next level. It's a difficult, delicate balance that requires a foundation of trust, honesty, integrity and sincerity from all parties. If you weren't willing to tell the truth about your son before and you were capable of hiding him for 3.5 years, how are you going to handle financial problems? What if you do, by chance, get pregnant? What will happen if, heaven forbid it, you happen to cheat on him? How will you handle the other major decisions that come with marriage if you can't be upfront from the beginning?

There are far too many overwhelming lies for this relationship to last. In my opinion, your actions prove that you have no regard for your son's or your fiance's needs and feelings.

You need to take some time and get yourself together before you bring another person into your life. You need to decide what kind of a mother and what kind of a spouse you want to be and make the changes necessary to become person.

I don't think you're a terrible person; I think you are confused and searching for love in all the wrong places. It's time to regroup, for your sake and your son's sake. It's time to pull your life together as a responsible adult and take ownership of your situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 10

You cannot marry him without telling him the truth. He will find out someday. You should tell him now. You want to marry someone who hates kids and you have one. You never should have let your relationship get this far. Your son has to come first. There are plenty of men out there who do not hate kids. What kind of person hates kids anyway? How will he treat your son? You need to tell him the truth. If he loves you enough to love your son also then fine. But if not, RUN!

Answer 11

Embarrassed or not , you are supposed to mention your kid FIRST !!! You are a package deal !!! My daughter is a product of rape and I am PROUD as hell to tell anyone this is my daughter . My children comes 1st no matter what !! And how are you engaged and he has never coem to your house ?? Thats weird !! You better tell him the deal because either way if he doesnt accept your kid you will split up instead of going thru divorce 2 weeks after your wedding save the money and trouble by telling him now.