What's the point of getting married?

Question

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, and I love her very much. We've talk a few times about getting married, and I've made it clear that I'm not willing to get married if she's not willing to change her name. She's not a celebrity or business professional, there's no reason for her to keep her name. She said she's not willing to change her name, she says it will change who she is. I've told her that's not true, I've told her that my feelings are not about ownership, they're about family unity and tradition. She won't hear any of it.

We've been living together for a while, and I really don't see what the point of getting married is without her changing her name. Tax breaks, whatever. Commitment? I don't see the commitment without uniting as a family.

Can I get some advice? Tell me how I'm wrong, or how could I convice her she is.

I'm perfectly happy with her keeping her last name as a middle name. In fact, her mother's last name IS her middle name. (Her mom keep her last name.) Her dad won the coin toss, so her last name is her dad's.

Me being married will NOT make me any more committed to her than I already am.

Sure I should love her enough to compromise, but then again, shouldn't she?

Also, In her line of work she is only addressed by first name. I'd just like us to be the "C" family.

I think what really gets me, is she has said things like, "I'd change my name if:

Your name was more uncommon."
My name was less uncommon."
If you bought me a house."
ETC.

Answer 1

I am with you on this one, i was very happy to change my last name for my husband. This does happen to people but the women i know that kept there own last name ended up regretting it when they had kids because they felt sad that they did not have the same last name as there own kids.

Answer 2

I married a woman that came from another culture. It bothered me but I accepted it because that was important to her and because of the culture. In marriage you have to accept things you don't always like. I would focus on the really important things rather than a name. No one is ever born with a name. If you click on most things and are happy just accept it. It's not that important. Ask her about children. Do you want your children to keep you last name? I did. So, at least establish something like that. Or maybe a new tradition of two last names. Don't fuss with the name stuff too much. Get on with building a life together.

Answer 3

If you don't want to get married just because she doesn't want to change her name, than something is wrong with you. If you love her, it shouldn't really matter. And the same for her. She could do that hyphenated thing.
As far as it just being a piece of paper with tax breaks, that's not quite right. Say you had been living together for 10 years and she is in the hospital in a coma (God forbid). Since you are not married, you do not get to make the decisions about what happens to her. Her relatives do (parents, siblings). And if something tragic happened and either of you died, forget collecting the social security. And I hope the others name is on the titles of everything. Because if not, relatives could come in and be a pain in the a$$. Sell the car, house, etc & want to keep the money. It was their relative that died, you weren't married.

Answer 4

Changing one's name is not the point of getting married, that's for sure. It may be a tradition, but this isn't what marriage is about. Anyone can change their name to anything they want at any time, you don't need to get married at all - you just have to petition the courts for a name change. For most people, marriage has nothing to do with changing one's name. Marriage is basically the way to "solidify" your commitment in the eyes of the society; it doesn't matter what your names are - in the eyes of the society, your relationship now has a "name", and this is what matters. Tax breaks and other legal benefits are nice, too, although for most people this is not the main reason to get married. The reason why your g/f doesn't want to change her name is irrelevant - it's her name, and she can choose to do whatever she wants with it without having to justify or explain it to anyone (not even you). She doesn't have to be a celebrity to retain the right to her own name.

Answer 5

the concept of marriage is going lower back to the classic international the place it became a transaction between a guy and his bride's father, so as that the husband rather took over possession of the girl now that she became the right age to offer little ones. in common terms very recently has the assumption of marriage emerge as linked with romantic love or dedication, this is why that's breaking down.

Answer 6

If she doesn't want to change her name, then I wouldn't push it. It does define who she is and that is what she wants to be. I have been married to my hubby for five years and did not change my name, our children were given hypenated last names. I think marriage is about unity, but back in the day when a women took the last name of the husband it was about ownership. Let her be herself and keep the last name she was given. If you are so concerned about having the same last name, take hers or hypenate the both of yours as well. I see that as only fair.

Answer 7

If you bought me a house?! Wow. How manipulative can you get? I think it is up to each couple how they do the name thing. You've made it clear that taking her as your wife means she should take your name. She doesn't want to. There's really nothing more to be said about it. If she wants to be married that badly, she will compromise. Apparently she loves her name more than she loves you. Question is, can you accept that?

Answer 8

I'm with you on this one. She seems a little selfish to me. I mean come on. I dont even understand why celebrities dont change their names. It seems to me like she doesnt want to support tradition or be united to you other than you being labeled her "husband."

Hypothetically: If I was a man and my girlfriend refused to change her name I would seriously doubt how much she was committed to being with me.

I wouldnt back down, your not in the wrong. She is!

Answer 9

What's the pressure for her to change her name?

I don't know what your ages are, but at some point in our lives, our names are who people recognize us as.

I am in the process of getting a divorce, and started my career after I got married. At work and in my field, people identify who I am by the name I have now. People address me by my married last name alone many times, as if it were my first name. If I decide to change to my married name to my maiden name, most people are not going to know who I am right away.

I'm not saying you're going to get divorced or anything, but it is similar in that your girlfriend is identified by the name she has now. Maybe that is important to her, and you should respect that.

A compromise could be for her to hyphenate, or for her to add your last name to the current name she has.

If this issue is seriously a deal breaker, maybe you are best going your separate ways because this is such a minor issue to begin with. Who knows how you will be able to deal with serious issues in the future!

Marriage is about compromise, and not about always having to get your way.

Answer 10

Why is it such a big deal to have her change her last name, have u thought about taking hers maybe? I would have to say it is kind of selfish and if you really love her it should not be that big of a deal. Commitment is not about taking someone elses name think of all the people who are married with the same last name that cheat and do whatever. Love is not putting a label on someone.Families do have diff last names