Can someone help me title this poem?

Question

Eternally running;
From Satan’s raid.
Fear overwhelms,
Under the demon’s blade.
Ensnared by the void,
In overwhelming shade;
The crumbled ground,
Gone is all I made.
My soul cries out;
As my heart; it bayed.
In blackened world,
The colors fade.

Glorious shield;
From the wicked raid.
Fear-induced trembling.
Shivering death’s blade.
Freed from the void,
Rest from the shade.
All I am given,
All is that He made.
My soul rejoices
My debt, is paid.
Through his glory,
My sin has fade



(Also if you wish to give me some feedback on it, id appreciate it.)

bayed: position of no escape: the position in which a hunted animal or a person being pursued has to face the hunters or pursuers

Answer 1

I like to use either the first line of a poem or the line with the most impact as a title. I think the line in this poem that is most dramatic and captures the essence of the poem in a nutshell is "Under the Demon's Blade". Therefore, that is what I would title it.

The poem has good rhythm and a nice rhyme scheme. Your last line is a little sticky, I would reword it to read as follows, "My sins do fade". As it is, the present tense "fade" does not agree with the past tense word "has".

Answer 2

One-part title won't work for this two-part poem.

Try: "Blackened World, Glorious Shield"

You have worked to develop a balanced contrast, although the second part is clearer because you use widely accessable metaphor of "debt" and the idea of "sin." Continue working on the first part, and use those same references--debt and sin--to create a truly parallel poem.

There are some pieces of imagery that trouble me:
"My soul cries out;
As my heart; it bayed"
So, you are using personification: your soul speaks
You use a similie: your soul is like your heart (which cannot speak)
You use a metaphor: your soul cried out, in the same way as your heart--it BAYED.

Now, a hound dog, when signalling that it's treed, or trapped, the quarry will emit a specific kind of bark, and it's said to be "baying" because it's holding the quarry "at bay."

If you meant "bray," then you're calling to mind a donkey.

At any rate, you've got personification, similie, and metaphor in three phrases, which is messy. Then there's the soul = heart = dog or donkey, which just needs to be fixed!

Yes, please correct the grammar of the last line!!!

I think this is a good beginning and that once you consciously work on the balance of images you'll make it better. After working on balancing the images, please work on balancing the number of lines and the number of syllables in the lines across both parts. You can play around a LOT with that idea--increasing/diminishing length, increasing/diminishing emphasis or importance.

Keep in mind that poetry is visual as well as aural, and you'll do fine.

Also keep in mind that writing poetry is the most precise way to use language. A poet's precision is similar to that of a sculptor. A sculptor "cuts away everything that doesn't look like X." A poet cuts away words and syllables, arranges lines and stanzas, with the same goal, to reduce the language to X, to a single idea or image that remains when the reader is done. One should never expect to write a (good) poem in one or two or three sittings.

Be patient with yourself and with the process of writing. You are brave to request global feedback.
Keep writing!

Answer 3

I can see why you were hesitant to title the poem...you could call it "running man", but your second section says you don't have to run anymore...you could call it "satan's blade", but it isn't really about satan's blade...or about a wicked raid...in other words, your poem is conflicted and the first and second halves don't agree.

Also, you have a number of places that need editing..."my sin has fade"? try, "my sins do fade" or "do my sins fade". "All I am given, all is that He made"...nope, same problem...try, "is all that he's made"...which is still a little weak.

You chose to use the same rhyming words in both sections, with the exception of bayed and paid...why? If you're going to echo these words, you should do it completely or have a point to the change of words...since bayed and paid are not diametrical opposites, I fail to see the reason for the change other than the need to find a word that rhymed other than bayed because bayed no longer fit the message. That's called form abandonment.

hope this helps

Answer 4

I think tmerion has good advice and is right on the nose. As for feedback, I loved this poem. I myself have written poems about spiritual warfare and anyone who understands that topic can really appreciate a poem such as this. This is an outstanding poem. Keep up the good work. Other than changing the last line so that it is grammatically correct and coming up with a title, I wouldn't change a thing.

Answer 5

Sarah's Soliliquey

Answer 6

Salvation

Answer 7

i'm loving this write! Darkness candy it is desirable adequate to get people to examine and that's the assumption of a call, no?! bitter candy may well be my 2d selection. yet howdy, it is your paintings...

Answer 8

(undoomed ) leave as is... here is a short one i wrote
satins needle
i love this world but i hate it
if only satin did'nt sedate it
its pretty to me
love the senery
my hat goes off
to the one who created

Answer 9

Very good

Answer 10

" ...and I thank you for the pain"

It's so dark, it's amost lovely. Keep up the good work.