Terminating a pregnancy and not telling your husband?

Question

Have you or do you know of anyone who has terminated a pregnancy while married and she didn't tell her husband?
What were the ramifications, if any?


Please do not tell me what a horrible thing abortion is, that is not the question or the moral debate being presented.
Thank you

In response to SusieQue...
1. yes it is his
2. we have an 8 yr old child already
3. we can barely make it week to week with what money we make
4. we live in a VERY small, cramped apartment
5. There are some serious genetic issues on my side of the family that give this child a more than 80% chance of being riddled with
6. My husband is pro-life I am pro-choice
7. I was very clear when we married I wanted no more children
8. He has refused to have a vasectomy
9. I have been using an IUD for years

Answer 1

Reading the additional info has made me change my mind. Don't bring another child into this world in the situation that ur in, it isn't fair like you quoted "barely make it from week to week" something like that and a cramped environment. No way it's going to be very hard for you and ur husband not to mention ur daughter and isn't fair on the unborn child, financially it isn't looking good for all on all grounds. But not telling ur husband is wrong u must tell him how ur feeling and the choices u can make as a family. I hope you'll be fine. Good Luck.

Answer 2

I do know a woman that had an abortion without telling her husband because she didn't know if the child was his or not and didn't want to lose him. It ended up she lost him any ways once he found out she went behind his back and had an abortion without giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Now under your circunstances there are two questions you need to ask. 1 - Will I be able to live with the decision for the rest of my life knowing I can't ever share it with my husband? 2 - What would be the consequences if my husband were to find out and could I live with them? If the answer is yes to both of the questions then do it.

You mentioned you have had an IUD for years. Is it still in place? If so the doctor has to remove it asap even if its an ectopic pregnancy. If it is an ectopic pregnancy due to the IUD then there is nothing you can do the pregnancy has to be terminated because ectopic pregnancies are fatal if not take care of. Your husband would have to understand that if the pregnancy is not terminated then you will die and that you did it for medical reasons. I have had an IUD for about a year now.

Good luck. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your family.

Answer 3

There are too many questions to ask before this question could be answered. Is the baby his? Is he abusive? Would he want the baby?
I had a friend who had an affair because her husband was so abusive and she terminated a pregnancy because of fear. She finally got the courage to get out.... but she still feels guilty about the abortion. At the time she thought there was no other option.
If someone would do it, there is something way wrong with the marriage already. What if he found out later, these things have a way of coming back and biting you in the ****!!

Answer 4

well i guess the part we dont know is why you are aborting the pregnancy. if it is just because you dont want to have a child with your husband then you have a whole bag of issues you need resolved. well for your husband it will crush him especially if he wants children and you might lose him for doing this but on the other hand if he finds out at some later time that it happened you lose him anyway. he is your husband you should discuss anything and everything with him including this in my opinion. if you dont tell him you will have this eating at you and it will always be on your mind. if something just as important (not many things are though) that he had done and held it back how would you feel? would you not feel somewhat betrayed.

Answer 5

Well, I can't tell you about not telling, but I can give you a perspective. A lot of people say that if you have an abortion you'll live your life in regret or it'll make you act all crazy afterwards (at least one answerer said this), this is just pro-life lies meant to scare women away from making the right choice for themselves. I had an abortion and while it certainly wasn't easy I'm not living my everyday in regret or anything crazy like that.

Now, some people will say that he has a right in the choice because he donated the sperm, but the thing about abortion and pregnancy is that he's not the one who is pregnant therefore he doesn't get a say. Besides, you were using a IUD meaning that he knows full well you're not wanting to get pregnant when he has sex with you. In fact, I bet he doesn't even worry about pregnancy at all when you have sex. Right, so...there's that. Whether he agrees or not, it's not wrong to have this abortion if that's what you need to do.

Now, how pro-life is he? A lot of pro-lifers actually change their minds when faced with the question whether to abort or not. I think it's best to tell him just because you're married and you've got to be open about most things at least the big things and abortion is a big thing.

After my abortion, I started resenting my partner because I was angry at him. I had to go through that crap and what did he get? Great sex! I'm sure I would have had the same resentment if I had given birth and we worked it out, but if I wasn't able to talk to him about it that resentment towards him would have eaten away at our relationship. In the end I realized the resentment was more towards my own body for betraying me. I desperately didn't want to be pregnant and yet there I was being raped from the inside out.

It's something I needed to talk out. If you can't talk to him about your experiences with it, it might hurt your relationship. If you do decide to have the abortion and not to tell him, then make sure you never tell him and he never finds out. It'll probably be a good idea to start seeing a counsellor for the first few months after the abortion, just make sure it's pro-choice counsellor who respects your decision and doesn't believe in any sort of 'post abortion syndrome' nonsense that does more harm than good for women who just need a bit of support. Good luck!

EDIT: By the way, your husband can't take your child from you if you do this. He has no legal rights over the pregnancy now and having an abortion doesn't make you an unfit parent. Lots of women have had both children and abortions.

Oh and after the procedure, you'll probably just be tired for a few hours and have some cramps that shouldn't be any worse than your monthly period, you'll probably want to sleep, but you won't need to take days off work or anything.

Answer 6

I'd say that it's not a way you want to go down to.
If you can't face having children just yet, or more children, then talk to your husband.
Don't do deception, lying or do on your own something you'll eventually won't be able to keep to yourself.
A problem shared, is a problem solved.
If you think that whatever you say, your husband will not want to listen, then still tell him and if it's absolutely what you want then still do it. But if the relationship is to finsih, at least you'll be prepared for it.
Whereas if your husband discovers what you did behind his back, he won't be able to forgive you for both lying and refusing to involve him in so important a decision. Which will obviously break you up.
So, be brave and talk to him.
I've do know of women who went through it and still can't forget years after. So, don't do it solo.
Hugs.xxx

Answer 7

To do that in my state you would have to do this anonymously and I'm not even sure you can do that. A spouse also has to consent to the termination of a pregnancy.
I had to give my permission for my husbands vasectomy too. You will have to make sure you don't need his permission first.
Personally, I think to do something like that is the lowest of the low. Especially if you even think he may want to keep the baby. If neither of you wants children, and this happened you should have no problem getting his permission, but the fact that you want to hide this says a few things about his stance on children. It also implies this isn't his baby.

Answer 8

Yes. The marriage ended in divorce. He could not forgive her for lying about this. He felt that because she did not tell him, it was a lie.

Not sure what you are thinking about here. This is a very serious decision. I am not talking about the moral question of abortion. What kind of a relationship do you have a with your husband if you are going to hide something like this?

You both created this. This should be a mutual decision. This maybe the biggest decision of your life.

Answer 9

I don't know of anyone that's done that. I won't preach morals. However, I will preach honoring your vows. Which means he is your PARTNER and has a right to know. Especially in regards to such a situation.
Abortion can mess with your head. Then when you start acting differently, he'll have no clue. Until the point you break and tell him, at which venue he might leave you, because he can't trust you.
Concealing the truth is as bad a lying, especially when that person is involved.

Answer 10

If you don't trust your husband enough with this information, why are you married to him? Sounds like you all need a lot of help. And you should probably talk to both an attorney and a therapist before making this decision. If I found out my wife did this, I'd do my darndest to make sure she didn't see her other child either. Oh and the truth always comes out, one way or another. Are you prepared?