Sugarcoating and doors and hearts, what's been your best marriage lesson?

Question

I think even the best premarital counseling glosses over a portion of the inherent risks and bruises that lay waiting in marriage. There’s a degree of sugarcoating that’s applied when it comes to marriage, a veneer of hope and Hallmark, sweetness and stickiness.

Recently, after years of being fake, my wife and I started being honest, digging past the mask of marital perfection. Suddenly we were arguing. We were challenging each other. The hidden hurts were not so hidden, the secret desires, not so secret.

I think the heart has a door. When you open it and allow the swell of emotions to pour out, you can’t control which ones rush forward. I cannot tell my heart, “I want to experience true love but not true pain” or “make me drunk on happiness but may sadness never touch my lips.”

My question is what have you learned about marriage? I learned being real with feelings means being brave enough to experience the bad ones alongside the good ones. What have you learned?

Answer 1

We have learned and now I will speak for myself it takes two
to make it work and communication, trust and understanding,
are feelings within each of us and to know this requires the
first feeling...COMMUNICATION=openness, honesty and
what ever is on you mind, my significant other is not a mind
reader...LIKE YOURS. at least, thats what U thought. nuff said...2bz.

Answer 2

What I have learned about Marriage, would be that marriage as someone said if 50/50, I disagree, when you get married and you find out that your mate, will not carry the same load as you do, then, it is up to the strongest to take rein. first of all, We, my Husband and I have been married for 49 years, and Hoping to God, to let us make it to the golden one. We were he, 18, and I 16 when we got married, not because we had to but because we Loved each other a lot, since the first week of Married Life, I found out that my Hubby was a good provider,and still is but when it came to making decisions on buying groceries, paying Bills, or when the children came along, he could not deal with the Children being sick, or their School activities, or when there was an emergency, at Home or School. So, I decided that I was going to be the one to be the strong one for anything that happened around here. Sometimes it makes me sad when I have to be the one to give my Husband medicine when he is sick, because he cannot do it by himself. The last paragraph, you wrote, it is so true. I agree with it. Thanks, No regrets.

Answer 3

You, my dear are so right. We all as sane humans want the very best that love have to offer us daily. No one, but no one want to feel hate, hurt, pain of any kind. I think once you open up your heart to love, it leaves it open for the other things also. I have learned in my marriage that the one person that can take you so deep into love, is the one person that could bring you to the brink of death. I do really believe to be honest is the best thing, even if it hurt. To me being fake is the worst thing you can be. When you get tired of being fake, then the truth comes out. In which that hurts worst, because what you thought all along, turns out to be a total lie. When you face the truth, good or bad. But in honesty. It makes for a better relationship.

Answer 4

In my first marriage I learned a tremendous amount of negative things. That isn't worth going into. Let us just say I was single for 11 years after, and very happy to be so.

However, I remarried 2 years ago, after dating my husband for 4 years. The only thing I would change about this marriage is that I would have married sooner.

The things I have learned from a good marriage:

You can always be yourself, even when your bitchy.
You have someone to share all the harrowing experiences and big decisions with. Oh, and they get half the blame when big decisions are wrong... :)
When you get home from work, someone is there to listen about your day.
When you just can't take it anymore, you don't have to. Your spouse can handle it for awhile for you to get it together again.
You get presents again for holidays.
My husband gets to be my very own chauffeur. I hate driving!!!
But the best by far is that I have someone who will always be there to help and encourage me in everything I do, want and need.

Answer 5

Marriage offers us the greatest of all challenges and trials, but in return gives us living proof of the love we have for each other. A good marriage is dependent upon so many factors, with the first being a strong bond of friendship. To genuinely love another person is to be willing to accept their strong points and their weak points with equal amounts of consideration and respect.
Faith in each other and faithfulness to the marriage is paramount for its success. Sharing feelings and emotions must be done in an open manner if two people are to fully communicate within their relationship.
It sounds like you two held back too long before sharing yourselves with each other. Therefore, the floodgates opened! Take time to digest all that was said. From now on, be better in touch with each other, and more open to this type of intimacy. Thus is a marriage strengthened.

Answer 6

I have learned that in any relationship you need to:
1. Be honest, even when it hurts and is going to cause a fight.
2. Be respectful, your significant other should be your equal.
3. Be trustworthy, don't give them reasons to doubt you.
4. Be someone that will sit and talk when the other needs to.
5. Be someone that is always there for the other, emotionally and
physically.
6. Be a friend to them.
7. Be someone they know they can tell anything to, without you
judging them,getting mad at them, or holding it against them.
8. Be someone that tries to put the other persons feelings and
needs first before theres.
9. Be someone that, when they feel somthing they say it, ie: if you
think she looks pretty tell her, if she has done something really
nice, tell her, when you're glad shes there with you and you love
her, tell her don't assume she knows. Tell her
your feelings and compliment her often.

Answer 7

An open marriage will in basic terms enable the two one in all you to share the convience of marriage, jointly as being waiting to be unfastened to be sure human beings at your will. in case you're mushy including your better half and your self seeing human beings like that then it would desire to artwork. even however you are able to't get jealous of yet another female or him yet another guy as that's what an open marriage is approximately. so a approaches as will it artwork, it somewhat relies upon on what you prefer. i could say in case you're desiring an open marriage then you are in basic terms no longer waiting to make the dedication of marriage that's suppost to be only 1 guy or woman. i in my opinion would not get married if i improve into no longer waiting to dedicate. In an open marriage you are able to locate that there is somebody you're arranged to settle with then you might desire to choose a thank you to get out of your modern undertaking. So sure, it somewhat is going to easily complicate issues in the top if dedication is the underlying difficulty.

Answer 8

I didn't have to learn anything. Naturally marriage will be excellent if you love your spouse and you always respect, trust, communicate to make your spouse happy, not yourself. Your relationship will become stronger and the marriage will never seperate till death do you part.

If you're selfish and you take care of yourself in a marriage, you should be alone, because that is not love and it will eventually end in divorce.

Answer 9

To be responsible for your own choices and actions. To not expect your spouse to 'fix' your life; he or she is there to walk the journey of life with you; not create it for you. To never hold inside you the truth of your feelings; if not communicated, it will eat at you. To treat each day anew; compliment each other, thank each other, and REALLY listen to what the other is saying. Do not put expectations on anything or you may be disappointed. And most of all, to laugh and see humor in lifes ups and downs; it is all part of the journey called life.

Answer 10

i agree with everything you've said. I would like to think everything will be okay but once those feeling are aired and released, you have to address them. Addressing them may be the breaking point. Sometimes if you ignore the big pink elephant in the middle of the living room, it actually becomes soothing to look at. bravery may have just cost me my marriage. i may not be able to forgive

Answer 11

Spend hours and hours yack, yack, yacking about any and every thing before you make that giant leap of faith into what should be a life long commitment. Never expect to be married to a mind reader...if something bothers you...the sooner the better you bring it to the table...waiting builds animosity.