My ex husband is playing mind games and power games using my 9 year old daughter as a leverage , we've been divorced for 7 years seperated 9 years , he emotionally , verbally abused me and emotionally , verbally and physically abused our 2 older sons 17 , 15 , he turned his back on our 12 year old son refusing weekend access to him 5 months ago.
His last weekend access visit he didnt take our daughter because he had to go interstate for work or so he claimed I later found out through his mother he'd taken his g/f and her daughter out of state for a dance recital the daughter was in I didnt care because I enjoy having all my kids together on weekends , when my daughter rung tonight to have her weekly phone conversation he put a guilt trip on her because the school holidays start this friday and I made plans for her myself and her 4 brother's to go away , he told her it wasnt fair he missed her heaps and he was really looking forward to seeing her she started to cry .(CTN).
2007-09-18 23:12:59 · 9 answers · asked by JadeyOz 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've never stopped him seeing her or speaking to her on the phone , my kids and I have never been able to afford to go away just the 6 of us ever so this was really important to me , but he is determined ruin any plans I make with her that dont pertain to him.
I've spoken to a lawyer and we have to go to mediation neither 1 of us can go for residency because of the new shared parenting laws , and I am so exhausted emotionally battling her everytime she comes back from weekend visits or phone calls , everything is an emotional battle I've tried to take her to counciling but she wont talk because he told her she didnt have emotional issues only I did and I was being selfish.
I cant seperate her from her father she need's him but I am so tired of the arguments when he rings and makes her cry or feel guilty its not fair on her , I dont know what else to do legaly I am blocked , how do you deal with a manipulator he isnt allowed near me or any of my sons but the court let him see her.
2007-09-18 23:17:19 · update #1
I know right now she see's me as the bad guy even though I am the 1 following the law and not using her as a pawn , I dont say anything bad about her dad to her or her step mother , what would you do if you were me ? How would you try to keep your beautiful daughter happy yet not let your ex husband rule your every move on weekends and holidays legaly when he plays these games.
Keep in mind I tried the counciling , I tried being fair to him and her and I have given her encouragement to love him and spend as much time with him as we can arrange.
This doesnt stop his games.
2007-09-18 23:21:16 · update #2
Carrie I am not living with my 1st ex husband I having the issues with him we havent lived together for 9 years.
2007-09-18 23:31:16 · update #3
JJ , he's not allowed near me I dont go near him , we cant speak thats why we have a mediator and the mediator said our daughter is not to be involved in any conversation because of his anger issues and its considered child abuse in a court of law to have children anywhere near conversations between adults concerning visitation and how their treated , it rial's him up and causes abuse deeper but ty I know your heart was in the right place.
2007-09-18 23:54:26 · update #4
Keep looking into the legal aspect of this, there is a way it just may be in tiny print. Try having her brothers talk to her about the trip and how they are looking forward to all of you going. If your trip is not on his weekend then there is nothing he can do but upset her. Go anyway she will enjoy it regardless of how she feels now. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has upset you, just play it off as nothing has been said. Pick your battles with you daughter after all she is only 9. She will see the truth sooner than you think. Trust me I know this one my father did the same thing with me at that age but I soon figured it out. And well lets just say that when she does figure her father out be there for her no matter what.
2007-09-18 23:51:39 · answer #1 · answered by rooksgirl17 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a truly sad situation. Altough you've done everything to be fair whole things keep setting upon you. There is only way I can think of and it is to be patient. Maybe you should get some emotional support for "yourself" to be able to stand your ground. I do not understand how he could blame her about the weekend incident since she has nothing to do with her school schedule (if fridays are holiday then that's it) and you made the plans to go out. Maybe you can talk to your daughter for several times and make her sure that whatever her father says to her if she's done nothing wrong she should not feel remorse or cry. Since she is still far away from living alone right now seeing her father is up to him. When she grows up she can hop in her car and go to see him if she wants to. But right now she has to wait for her father and if he cannot make it then it is his mistake not hers.
And I am not sure if you can teach your ex to be responsible for his actions from now on. So it is important for her to learn not to accept anybody's guilts on herself.
Good luck
2007-09-19 07:03:45 · answer #2 · answered by Ardelia 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The best thing to do is talk with him and tell him that it is not fair to your daughter that he is using her as a pawn and manipulating her the way he has been. Tell him that he should be ashamed of making her feel guilty and cry all of the time. Tell him that he is causing problems with her and he will have her to where she is so mixed up and confused that she will have to go to counseling. Have your daughter there beside you when you say these things to him so that she can see that you are honest with her and he is doing things to her that is wrong and hurtful. Also bring up the subject that you try to keep peace with her and him as much as possible, and he should be grown enough to do the same. Whether you are or not supposed to talk to him, do it anyway over the phone. Sometimes you have to. I went through this with my 7 and 5 year old a few months back. I went to his workplace and showed my tail with the kids with me so that they would know what was really going on. Now that they know, everything is so much better! They can now see through his lies and will tell him that he is lieing. However, I still encourage them to go on his weekends even when they do not want to. When he started seeing them cry to stay home bc they did not want to go, he started to see what he was doing to them. I also threatened to take them from him if he kept it up bc it was messing them up emotionally. And yes, you can do it. When you have plans for you and the kids, do not let them have any contact with each other on the phone. Let her know that you are doing everything possible in order to let them see each other, but when they do not see each other it is bc he is too busy. Stop taking up for him and tell her the truth. You can do this without speaking bad of him. Just bc you let her know that he is not being honest does not mean that you are talking bad about him. Always be honest with them no matter what it is. This is where many parents mess up....then they regret it. Once I started answering their questions and doing so openly and honestly is when they started becoming closer to me. And it did not hurt their relationship with their father. They are now well informed about things and can handle them much better bc they are able to understand it now. I started out just telling them that it doesn't matter bc it was stuff between me and their father. I got sick of it and started letting them know the truth when they asked. Things turned completely around and things could not be better now.
You all are in my prayers! If you need anything, email me at any time.
2007-09-19 06:38:45 · answer #3 · answered by Angelic Valentine 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My heart goes out for you. Ex's can be nightmares. Especially if they were bullies who think they can continue to bully you even after the relationship is over. Hang in there.Sadly there isn't much you can do apart from being there for your daughter and showing her as much love and support as you can.
About the trip, explain to her that it's very important to you all as a family to have this trip together, and that this opportunity might not come again for a long time. Tell her she'll have plenty of chances to see her father after this trip and that he should be happy for her to have a trip. Encourage her to talk to him about how excited she is for this trip. Tell her she can get him a souvenir from her trip and that he will get over it. She's too young to understand that he's being manipulative and an asshole.
As for legal issues, keep seeing if there is anything you can do.
2007-09-19 06:30:16 · answer #4 · answered by Drou 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did you tell your daughter the reason he couldn't see her the weekend he was out of state. If i were you i wouldn't care what the courts say i would move as far a way as possible without leaving the state that way he would have to drive hundreds of miles to see her.I bet it would stop him from seeing her. You are the boss over her not the other way around .So in her eyes you are the bad guy, so what she is a child and should be treated as such.We let our kids dictate to us way to much.
2007-09-19 06:58:26 · answer #5 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
1st Sorry for your delema
But get a grip because he is using Your weakest link against you. Your 9 year old. Funny how the older kids know better. Limit any conversation about him and do not get into any arguments w/9yrold over her time with him its her time with him let it end there. Make your plans and keep them. the kids don't have to like it your the mom . Avoid conversations with him or your kids about him Time will show his real colors to them like he is showing his new family.
2007-09-19 06:31:05 · answer #6 · answered by johnboy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
After reading your question IT JUST IS THE MAIN REASON WHY I WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN. I am so lucky that I HAVE NOT FALLEN INTO THIS GAME OF TRUST. People think I am crazy, but I am just better off HAVING SEX WITH ANY BEAUTIFUL CALL GIRL ESCORT OF MY CHOICE and living my life THE WAY I WANT IT WITH NO DRAMA OR PROBLEMS. Sorry about the mind games.
2007-09-19 06:26:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have to end all ties with him immediately, he is nothing but trouble!!
How can your children have a normal life with him pulling all the strings???
Get a restraining order against him, and stop all ties with him, move out of your house and move to a shelter that will keep you and your children safe, while you get your life back in order!!!
You have got to get out!!!! You have got to help you and your children!!! This kind mind playing games has got to end!!!
Are your children going to live their lives like this forever???
No?? Then get help!!!
2007-09-19 06:25:05 · answer #8 · answered by carriegreen13 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'd go off on his *** and inform him no one makes my kids cry. I'd tell him if he has a problem with that, come over to my house. I'm here waiting on him.
2007-09-19 06:41:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋