Where do we stop?

Question

I've been with my partner for almost 8 years now, married for a few. Shortly after we married I met and became best friends with another man. My husband knows he's my best friend and likes him even, but he has always been jealous of him, we spend a lot of time together.

All too quickly we fell in love, this was during a stressful time in my life when he was always there for me. He is married as well. Both of us understand that our relationship is 'wrong'. We've never gotten physical (no kissing or anything) and agree that it shouldn't go further than it has, which is simply saying how we feel.

So my questions... are we cheating on our spouses? and can we stay friends?

Answer 1

The thing about the word "cheating" is that some people may say yesss, it is definitely cheating and some may say, no...because you did nothing physical. So, I think you need to ask yourself if "you" feel like you are cheating when you do this AND would" your husband" feel like you had cheated on him.

Your other question about staying friends is something that only "you and your friend" can answer. I would say that if you are in love, it will become very difficult to remain friends.

In my opinion you owe it to your husband and he owes it to his wife to be honest about this. It is unfair to keep them both assuming that all is okay when indeed the two of you love each other. Perhaps there are children involved? If so....I still truly believe that the truth is always best. Because if you don't level with your spouses...you are really just living a lie, aren't you? Lies are just a bad deal all around. I am not judging you at all. I am glad to hear that the two of you do respect your loved ones enough to not be physical. However, why continue to feel one way, and then have to go home and pretend to feel another? I am sure you don't want to hurt your spouses..and on some level, maybe you do love them still...but you aren't being real....you aren't being truthful. Even though your feelings can't be denied at this point, I think you need to always end one relationship before beginning another. I think that is actually your intentions, but spending time together....feeling feelings you should not be feeliing...is just not a good combination. Soo..please know I am not being mean, but simply hoping that you will rethink things. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Yes, absolutely you are cheating. It does not matter whether or not you have had a physical relationship (believe me it is on the way) you admit you are in love. what do you think???? Many people consider emotional affairs far more hurtful to the wronged person and defiantely more dangerous to the marriage than a true physical albeit one night stand, because your emotions are involved. I say stop now, stop immediately. If you want to save your marriage you have to stop sharing intimate time and secrets etc. with a man who is not your husband. Someone or many are soon going to get hurt. Best case scenario you both leave your respective spouses and marry each other, you will cause others a great deal of pain, but you will be with who you truly want to be with and in the longrun save your spouse months or years of agonay and emberassment. Worst case- you leave and it does not work out between you and bes friend,ur you lose your husband, your lover & YOUR BEST FRIEND How does that saying go
"who will catch my tears when the one who always does is now the one causing me to cry?"

I had the exact same thing occur. I have to admit I am extremey happy with my (best friend turned lover turned fiance & law partner) but I must say I had problems in my marriage that hubbie was unwilling to work on. Still for the sake of my kids I owed it to try harder or at the very least to have been completely divorced before I began my relationship with best friend.

be careful what you ask for. I hope you find hapiness, just be careful what you wish for and no matter how much hubbie loves you don't expect him to be there to pick up the pieces in a few years

Answer 3

In a word - YES, you are both cheating. You are devoting your emotional energy to someone other than your husband, then you are already cheating - you are in an emotional affair with this man.
Should you two stay friends - that depends. Are you both willing to take the chance that you are going to hurt your prospective partners? Are you both finished with your marriages? Are you prepared NOW to get a divorce? If not have nothing more to do with each other, this has gone further than it should. If you are ready do what you know is right - let your partners know, file for divorce, and end the lie.

Answer 4

I would say it is not "cheating", physically at least, it is emotional cheating. Things that you share with each other are probably things you don't or wouldn't share with your spouses. Can you go back to just being bf? I don't think you can, you already have the emotional tie to one another that is on a different level. If you can remain just friends, I don't know if it would ever be the same as it was before you confessed your feelings to one another.

Answer 5

You both are fools and are about to make the biggest mistake of your lives. You have put yourselves in the position of total recklessness and destruction of two family's because of your silly feelings and selfishness. Your question of "Is this cheating?" is insignificant compared to the consequences that both you and your family's will endure because of this. My wife had a emotional affair and caused alot of hurt in our family. Thank God she came to her sences but I'm still not completely over it. You need to step back, slow down, and take some time to think this through more clearly. Wish you the best.

Answer 6

Would you have the same reaction if it were a woman? Look. Either you are spending too much emotional capital on this guy or you aren't. But if you think that you are tempted to consumate your affection physically, then maybe it's time to end the friendship.

Answer 7

Because you both are attracted to each other, I doubt if you can stay just friends. Even if you have not yet slept with him, the mere fact that you admitted being in love with one another, in my opinion, constitutes cheating.

Answer 8

You're having an emotional affair which I would consider cheating. You both need to be honest with your spouses and decide what you want.

Answer 9

Cut it off, its not bad but too much temptation is. Ever heard of Adam and Eve. Think if it was the other way around how would you feel if your husband had a lady friend who he was close too and told her very personal things about you?

Answer 10

Yes your are cheating...and very doubtful you can remain friends....goes to show that the number one threat to a marriage is having a BEST FRIEND of the opposite sex.