what should I do about my marriage? (Need real advice from nice people).?

Question

I've been miserabley married for 19 years and have three children. I've never loved my husband. I got married when I was only 18.He and I don't agree on anything.He is very educated and he's actually a Dr.I've stayed home to raise the children.He treats me very badly and always yells and puts me down.I have no confidence and very low self esteem.He always tells me that I'm stupid and could never do anything.2 years ago I became very depressed and anxious.He suddenly became very nice and supportive.But when I started getting better he went right back to his old self.I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.He is a really great provider (nice home and cars) and is good to the kids most of the time.But I just can't take living like this anymore. He's always making insulting comments and can never show me any affection.My children adore me and I live for them.1 year ago I got a prt time job.(feel better).Can't have a simple conversation with him without him getting angry.

Answer 1

Just keep working on yourself. I think the job was a good move. Maybe you can try studying something of interest, or to gain new skills to eventually get a full time job. Once you get to a point of self-reliance it'll be easier to stand up to him and leave if you choose to. You are not stupid and don't believe those lies he is telling you, he just wants you to stay stuck in that hard place.

Answer 2

your situation is not something that can be resolved with simple advice from a website. get some professional advice. marriage counselling, together, where possible.

there are some issues you need to clarify - marriage, kids, love, self-esteem.

1) marriage - what do you consider a marriage. if marriage is house, money, kids, then you are doing fine. if marriage is love, then you need a divorce, 18 years late

2) kids - if your kids love you, all the more you need to make sure they have the right environment to grow up in. do you want them to see that a wife/mom example in your life? or can you change that wife/mom that you are now into someone better (in or out of marriage)

3) love - how much does love matter to you? from your text so far, it dont seem that bad. you got along for 19 years without adult/romantic love. then again, i coould be wrong here and you have tons of love but no outlet for it.

4) your self-esteem is not based on one man's evaluation.

i hope you have a support group that can help you work out these and other issues and wont blab it out to your husband, so that you know where you want to take this next.

sometimes, keeping the family together may turn out to be more important to you than to get respect/love from the man who wont give it anyway. or having a real chance at love before you grow all old and wrinkly. whatever your path takes you, all the best and no regrets!

Answer 3

You have two choices the way I see it. One is to pack up and leave, because you need to feel that you are special, you need attention, love. You need a husband, not a master. The second choice is to tell him what he has been doing to you for years and to tell him that you can't take it anymore. Why did you marry him if you didn't love him to begin with? Could it be that he knows and that's why he treats you like that? I don't know, but I really think that you are never going to be happy living with him. People do not understand, but a marriage without that tender loving care that each person needs, doesn't work. You can't just live with someone because they provide a roof, cars, food and clothing. There is more to a marriage than the material things.

Answer 4

You mentioned that your husband is a well educated man. If he is treating you badly to the where you have low self esteem and you diving into depression and anxiety, he's not as bright as you give credit for. I will give him a small applause for being an almost good father.

You should think about the marriage, and what is his plans for the future. This is what you can do to get him thinking. I'm sure there's place that you can go alone for you to rest, and sort out things in your thoughts.
Of course you will let your family know that you are leaving.

Before you leave...write the problems you are having with him in details, and ask him in red ink, what do you want in the future, and are you willing to change your ways to treat me better? Place the letter on his bed.

Your letter will give him the chance to figure out is he going to honor the marriage with love. After you spend almost a week from home, approach him politely and ask him what is our future is going to be like? The key to your problem is your husband decision. It's best to know what he really thinks of the marriage...God bless

Answer 5

sounds like you stay with him just for the material things? a home , a nice car... But what about your Happiness? I'd rather be happy with someone I love and that loves me then have all that stuff !! We don't have a fancy house or a fancy car but we do have jobs and a home and most of all we Do Love each other !! My spouse has Never Cursed Me or said anything in a Mean hateful Way !! I'd be shocked if he did !! We don't have kids together but I have kids and he helped raise them , now we have grand-kids ! So you see you shouldn't be unhappy like this and it doesn't help your kids when you stay with a man that your not happy with and A man that puts you down and says things bad to you ! Only you are allowing him treat you this way, you are allowing your self to be unhappy! So only you can take charge of your own happiness in life and only you can change things to the better for your self !! No one can do anything about you life but you !! you shouldn't allow anyone to give you low self esteem about yourself !! what kind of Marriage is it < When you can't even have a conversation together?? And when you don't Love that person? It's not a marriage it is just a Convince!! good luck to you and remember Only you can Make you Happy, not someone else !!

Answer 6

What made you enter into a loveless marriage? Why do you stay? For the kids, I'm sure. Well, try a separation if you think you need to and during that time enter into marriage counseling with him. Both of you are betraying each other, you not loving him and he not being nice to you. You are living in a Catch 22 that you need help to resolve, one way or the other.

Answer 7

Whoa!! Where is your accountability in this loveless marriage? You have been unloveable for the last 19 years, yet your husband has stuck around. He has been providing a nice house, car, fatherly duties, money, etc. for nearly 20 years for a wife who has NEVER loved him?

Your husband was supportive and nice when you were depressed and anxious, NOT OUT OF SPITE, but because the you made him feel needed, wanted and loved. He was responding to your vulnerability, which is PROOF that he DOES LOVE YOU! He could have continued to be a SOB during your time of need, instead he was loving and supportive. Then you got 'better' and went back to your same bitter routine. You are accusing him of being nice to you, only to 'turn on you' and break you down again! That is ludicrious!

My advice to you.. tonite when he comes home give him a big passionate kiss and tell him how much you respect him as person, love him as a husband, and need him in your life.

But.. alas, you WON'T since you are only looking for 'real nice advice from real nice people', you know, those that are going to tell you what you want to hear (that he is a no-good son-a- b----) and what a WONDERFUL person you are. You know, 'feed' your need to feel right and justified in your actions. Women can be so wicked.

( I hear from husbands like yours every day. (I am the Director of Anne Noble, a Confidential Consulting firm). Husbands get dumped on all day, every day from their unloving wives, however, when they retaliate (call names, insult, etc) they are the 'SOBs'. Men are not a vocal as women regarding their emotions (especially professionals like your husband) and they suffer in silence (or call me), instead of asking for advice on a blog.

It is in your power to turn this whole thing around. It is the woman who 'sets' the tone of the house.

HE deserves better if you are incapable of loving HIM, let him go find the love HE deserves.

P.S. I can almost guarantee that your sex life is non-existant, so soon he will (if not already) cheat on you. However, if that happens you will then have MORE ammunition to crucify him to your family, friends, bloggers, etc.

As far as you go ... stay out of the dating pool until you can be honest with yourself and take responsibility.

Answer 8

Your marriage has been very one-sided. You have been a WONDERFUL wife and mother and given your husband some of the best years of your life. You've had nothing in return. Well, worse than nothing really because he's been abusive. It is abuse to withhold affection and insult you, it's abuse to try to destroy your self-esteem by telling you you're stupid and couldn't do anything.

My Dad was like that to my mum. Mum enabled him to have his high-flying career by being staying home, taking care of us, the house and mainly him. He expected to be waited on hand and foot. He called Mum awful names and cheated on her. She is nearly 70 and is NOW thinking about leaving him. She didn't have to be so unhappy for so long. And you don't either.

I know it's not just as easy as saying "leave him". You obviously value your vows and you've tried to make things smooth for the kids. But the kids know he treats you badly and they don't want that. I wish my mum had left my dad years ago. Your kids don't need his treatment of you as a role model. They need to see that you value yourself, value yourself enough to say that you deserve better.

I'm not sure your husband will every change, but maybe tell him you want counselling or it's over. Don't believe any threats - you are entitled to half of his assets and the kids will be looked after. If things get worse then take the kids and go and stay with a friend or relative. He needs to know you are serious about this. And you need to follow through with whatever you decide.

Good luck, please know that you deserve better than this. Don't waste the rest of your life with him.

Answer 9

You need to leave him. I"m sorry to be so blunt, but for your own sake, and for your children's, you really must. Your husband is wrong for making you feel the way you do. It sounds like he likes to have power and control over you, that's why he starts treating you well when he notices that you are depressed. He fears your independence, and wants to keep you where he has you. Please, for your sake, take the step, I KNOW how hard it is, and file for divorce. Move in with your parents, siblings, or a friend until you can get a place of your own. If he is as bad as you say, I am sure your family and friends will do everything they can to support you in moving out. Your children will be fine. Believe me, speaking from experience, it is better to be a child in separate homes, with parents that aren't fighting all the time than to be in one home where you can sense the unhappiness. Remember, what is best for you, is ultimately best for your children as well. Get out, and get help. I would seek counseling as well to help rebuild your self esteem. You are worth so much more.

Answer 10

I think it is time to leave this so called marriage. You don't deserve the treatment you are getting. It isn't likely your husband will ever change.....not for long anyways...as you already mentioned he went back to his old ways. He may be a good provider....but it takes more than that to be a husband. Don't waste another day, hour , minute with this man....get out and find a new life for yourself...and love yourself...because you are a good decent person.