I work full time, school part time, 2 children under 7, married for 6 years together for 11... Our sexual relations have decreased over the years, but I still find it to be within a normal level - once or twice a week. My husband feels that I don't want him anymore, he gets moody if it goes too long - gives me the cold shoulder, snappy at the kids... I have tried to explain that I am not 18 anymore and things change as relationships mature, but he thinks I should be the same as I was 10 years ago... we have other issues too, he has become very possessive of my time - I recently took a new job, and I have business lunches regularly, and work away from my desk alot.. he comments that I have a "cake" job since I "never seem to be at my desk". If I am up late doing an assignment for school and talk to my mom for a few minutes on the phone - he comments that I am "wasting time" - It is my time isn't it?? He makes me feel like a failure - it wasn't always this way... any suggestions??
2007-09-18 14:22:03 · 25 answers · asked by chrissy 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Any suggestions if he is unwilling to go to counceling... He tells me all the time that he is the only one trying, and that the issues are all mine - am I crazy?
2007-09-18 14:29:45 · update #1
I understand that he feels less than tops in my life right now... After 11 years I thought he could man up for a little bit till I get thru school (that I finally went back to). Even when I do make steps towards him, and initiate "stuff" he comes back later saying I only did it because I felt like I had too - not because I wanted to... I don't feel like I can win, would he be happy if I quit school - I fear if I do I would be resentful...
2007-09-18 14:32:56 · update #2
I am going to hazzard a guess that your husband has either been in the same job all this time, or that he has been in the same career field. He is working, providing for his family, and that's his duty. That's where it ends for him. Your duty, is to be the mom, the wife, and if necessary, get a job to help with the finances. That's where your duties should end in his mind.
You have taken the next step; you have taken on what sounds more like a career than a job, and you have decided to go to school to further educate yourself. This is above and beyond your "duties".
When either party in a relationship is stagnant, doing only what needs to be done to survive, they will feel put upon if the other party does more than what they do. You are moving in a different direction than he is, and that is something that he probably feels threatened by. You want more than a job, and you want to learn in order to better yourself. This is also something that will scare him, whereas he is the party who has become stagnant. What if you do better yourself, and what if you actually have a career that puts you in social situations that take you away from him and your children? This is a scary place for him to be in right now, and he may be unjustly slighting you in order to put a name to the fear that he feels.
When a spouse sees his or her other half becoming better, they wonder what becoming better will leave them with. If you want that much more, at what point will he not be enough either? It's not always a justified fear, but it can cause problems in other areas, that oft times end in the ruination of a relationship. He wants you to need him, want him, and assure him that even though you have higher goals for yourself, you will still love him when you have attained those goals. This is a difficult thing for you to do, and made even more difficult because he is picking fights with you for anything tangible that he can latch on to. He might not even know what it is that makes him angry or insecure.
2007-09-18 14:49:58 · answer #1 · answered by Rappel_Welch 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It seems like he has grown to be very insecure and you cant really blame him too much. You have alot going on in your life, with work, school, and 2 kids, girlfriend i know how that is cause i do the same thing except im single and doing those things, you have a husband who loves you and supports you.He obviously feels neglected and you may not even realise it but you arent giving him enough time for just the 2 of you. Maybe try to take some time out and have time for yourself and your husband. Explain to him that you are not trying to ingore him or make him feel alienated, that you just feel a little overwhelmed but definitely try to include him somewhere
2007-09-18 14:42:00 · answer #2 · answered by Jersey Sweetheart 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your loading yourself down with to much of everything and no time for you and hubby. Yes things change responsibilites increase, its up to you as well to remember your marriage and that there is another being here your husband also craving your attention just as your work and kids and school does... Something has to give her you can't do it all or you will suffer in other area's like the marriage. You are going to have to stream line here and prioritize your family.
When you have a moment and MAKE a moment you have time for everything else your working on but the man in your life.
Jot down what are the most important things to you and your family. Hopefully him and the kids. The other things are nice to have sure but not a necessity right now. You can always get a degree from mail order or later in life if you wish to finnish your credits in some course.
I guess it will come down to what you really want.. YOu want a healthy and loving marriage and children or do you want to burn yourself out and not be able to give much of yourself to anyone else once you've done all your th ings your working on.
Its okay to delegate and cut down on some of the work load. your only human.
Marriage is work too just like all your other dutites your working at. But somehow it got lost and put on the back burners.
I'd work on your family first the other things can wait.
2007-09-18 17:40:29 · answer #3 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're bettering yourself, and when you met him you were at a "lower" level. Some men start getting insecure when things change. The sexual relationship is not the issue here, it;s the amount of time that you used to have for him, and the fact that you are improving. It may be going through his head that you're going to be better than him...and he clings to you.
What you have to do: Give him as much attention as you can under the circumstances, but make at least one together day (just you and him) once or twice a month. Do NOT TELL him that he doesn't have to feel bad or insecure, cause you're not supposed to know that. Be a bit tactful.
2007-09-18 14:31:57 · answer #4 · answered by Lily 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yep, there is some communication problem he needs to really understand (tell him over and over until he gets it) that with all you have going on a couple of times a week is pretty good. It sounds like he is missing your attention as it is spread thin (for right or wrong).
Don't quit school if it is going to lead to better things for the both of you. Better job, better hours, better pay. And show him over and over the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think we have done it once in 5 months and I got moody and started snapping at the kids and her. It effects us. Sorry.
He sounds a little controlling too, like he's not going with the flow. It sounds like some other stuff is not happy in his life and he is manifesting it towards you whether its your fault or not. See if you can work that out.
I don't think you need counseling yet.
2007-09-18 14:52:02 · answer #5 · answered by Sway 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You aren't crazy, you are ignoring what he is telling you...He wants your attention, love and affection, and yet you just shrug off his request by explaining away that you are older and more mature and busy etc. I'm sorry hon, but this is why Men start looking for attention outside the marriage, because their wives ignored their needs. He's not being unreasonable and you are being insensitive to his needs. You would be surprised how little effort you have to make to help him feel important again. Each day when you wake up, think to yourself, what can I do to make him feel loved and important. Email him a flirty love note at work, plan a lunch date while the kids are at school, buy some lingerie and surprise him one night after the kids are in bed.
2007-09-18 14:38:36 · answer #6 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he has several issues. In regards to your job and education maybe he feels jealous of your accomplishments. The issue with sex ...... men and women we are just different when it comes to this subject. Maybe you two should make it a point to arrange for a date night regularly. I agreed with the comment that maybe he feels like he is not important in your life anymore. I know that its hard when you have children, a career, school ..... so many demands so little time but communicating and compromising can be the key to keep your marriage healthy. Good Luck
2007-09-18 14:41:23 · answer #7 · answered by erika0218 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have a lot on your plate a mand that you love who is acting worse than the kids because perhaps you have good job and doing things with our life instead of catering to him all the time. maybe he is jealous of all these things you have going on and feels like he doesnt fit in any more. you talk to your mom and do work at home and he wants some of your time listen you have got how to juggle this a little more and make him feel wanted more or there goes a prime target for cheating. Age has nothing to do with your sex life but over tiredness does.
best of luck
2007-09-18 14:36:20 · answer #8 · answered by mmurray001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best suggestion to both of you? Only constant mutual talk and discuss things how to make it more closer the two of you. The lost times, too mcuh emtionally stresses due to works and school works the two of you had been emotionally and physically affected due to pressures and experienced made you or him moody and got easily irretables,leading to lost desires to each other that you don't feel anything hot or wanting sex.
Have a break the two of you, plann sex date even for a weekend outside your home and there upon taking fun and sex, you can have serious talk to make it more sweeter than before to keep your marriage relationship more happier and longer..
2007-09-18 16:56:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Women, you got it goin on and dont let him take that away from you. He know this is what u gotta do so why is he trippin. You need to tel him like it is and he needs to be more understading. Get some couseling and maybe go away for the weekend just you and him. you both need some alone time to just have fun together and let off some steam, show him a good time;)
He should put his self in ur shoes for two weeeks then see what he has to say.
2007-09-18 14:31:41 · answer #10 · answered by louise23 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋