why can't i get over....??

Question

i've been married for 6 years have two beautiful boys, and my husband i have been having lots of issues. first of he has told me he dosen't love me any more and wants a divorce. but then when i left he was crying wanted me back so i came back to him and things are going south again. i just wish that i could get over it ..you know it sucks feeling this way..one day he loves me and the other he's "not inlove " anymore. we are suppose to go to marriage counseling but he always gets out of it. i just want to feel loved again..that sweet love we used to have. i miss the man i married. he can be really mean sometimes makes me feel like crap ..like he'll say stuff like"i'll pay some to sweep you off your feet" .. i'm just like WTF !! i still love him very much and hope that our marriage can survive but sometimes i just want to be like F- YOU ! i'm leaving you ! but it's so hard :( i just don't know how some people do it. how do you get over it???? do you ever get over it??? HELP !!!!

we are 23 and 25 yrs old. i'm a nurse and he's in the military

thanks to all that commented. you all have helped me !

i'm gonna get the guts and CUT HIM LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!! for mine and my boys happiness !!

to JD

he has been to IRAQ twice. for a period of 7 months each time.

Answer 1

Getting out of a bad marriage can be like trying to get out of a burning house. Things can get pretty hot on the way out. You can get seriously burnt. If you stay where your are, it will be worse. Grit your teeth and go.

Answer 2

Yes, you do eventually "get over it." Once the sheer terror of being alone is over, you can begin to find your own identity without your husband. But first you have to decide if the marriage is truly salvageable, and this really needs to be done through couples counseling. Sounds like he's avoiding the counseling, though. He may have some issues within himself that he's afraid to confront in a couples session--perhaps you could both start out with individual counseling and then gradually join each other in couples sessions. Or maybe he'd be more receptive to pastoral counseling with a minister--some people find this less intimidating. Either way, don't be so quick to throw in the towel. If the relationship is not an abusive one and the love is still there, it may be well worth the effort to rediscover each other and put your little family back together. Best of luck :)

Answer 3

Marriage is difficult. It normally doesn't start that way, but with kids and responsibilities you lose that closeness and the joyful love you once felt and the need to always be around each other. Unless you work at it, you start developing other interests that do not include each other. Then, it's really easy for things to "go south" as you say. If hubby is doing more outside the home - away from you and the kids - odds are there's more going on then you know. He seems torn, but not really in a hurry to make any decision. If he wants someone to sweep you off your feet, I'm just guessing, but it sounds like there's someone else in his life. So it comes down to you. Do you want things to continue the way they are? Not doing anything obviously isn't getting you the results you need. Go to counseling yourself and keep yourself strong and sane. It'll be better for you - and your kids!

Answer 4

You've just got to keep plodding on and hang in there for the sake of the children. Providing there's no abuse or violence involved then I'd say the both of you need to work through the issues one at a time and if that means seeking help then this maybe what needs to happen.

What you've got to realise too is that sometimes people change. Sometimes in a relationship it's the woman who changes, sometimes it's the man, but sometimes it's both the man and the woman.

Maybe you're worrying too much whether or not your hubby always loves you 24/7 and this is wearing him out. Even this feeling called love that people have for each other eventually changes too but it doesn't mean that it's still not there. I think in at least one sense of the word this deep love thing that people can have for each other usually only lasts five or six years anyway and then generally the candles sort of begins to dim down a bit but that doesn't mean it completely dies.

Answer 5

Oh boy. Sorry to hear this.

This may sound strange, but I've done to some degree the same thing your husband is doing way back when. Fortunately my wife was patient and we were both committed and so we made it through to happier times and you can too.

You and your husband both need the same thing. You are both feeling like you're not getting the emotional support that you need from the other. You need to take time together to communicate your needs.

Step 1 - Sit down together and have a drink to chill out and tell him that you would like to find a way to improve communications with him. Tell him that you know that he has a lot of challenges and stresses in his life and that you want to understand what he's going through and be supportive to him in any way you can. Listen to what he's saying and just accept it without judgment or criticism. He may not be in the mood, and if he isn't just smile and say that's OK, maybe tomorrow and tomorrow try again. But don't accuse him of anything like not caring. Once he does open up and dump his first load of stresses, you may find an opportunity to share some of your unhappiness. But be patient and wait till he seems ready.

Step 2 - Have the same sit down and tell him that you'd like to come up with some ideas about how the two of you can have some fun together. Try to be as creative and open minded as you can. You two really need some time for just the two of you as well.

Good luck

Outback Bob

Answer 6

I don't really have the answer you want, there is no quick fix to how you are feeling and the emotional turmoil you are going through.

However that said remember, you may love this man, but it is clear he is being very unfair.

You obviously have a sense of duty and preservation to you're marriage and while that is commendable be careful it doesn't start to ruin you.

From what you have written you are clearly a strong independent woman, you maybe need to take stock of the whole situation and decide on a course of action.

You have a few choices, you can lay the cards on the table with you're husband and let him know that this has to stop, he must decide once and for all what he wants, that the welfare of you and you're children is at risk. Maybe give him an ultimatum and see what he does to change things around.

Alternatively you can be the martyr and wait things out, maybe you're love will win him back, and everything will work out right in the end. I kind of doubt it, but stranger things do happen.

Possibly the final and most sensible option is to get out, start a new life for you and you're children, this is not the end so carry on reading. Give you're husband time to work things out on his own. This will involve you being very strong and not giving in to his demands for you're return. A period of separation will give you a chance to have some breathing space for yourself but also a chance for you're husband to work things out for himself. I assume you want things to be as they were, however this may not happen, you may find that nothing will help, so it ends or you may find that something new comes of this.
Most importantly though, be strong set you're own deadline and stick to it. Most people only change when they feel ready, obviously he takes advantage of you're good loving nature, while you are at home. So don't be at home, set up new, I know this is hard, and give him a chance to sort things out, it will only work if he does this himself and willingly, empty promises provide nothing.

Don't let yourself be dragged down any further, by this situation, you seem to be a really sensible loving woman, you deserve to be loved back. Give yourself space and time, but don't try and change him he can only change himself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best

Answer 7

One of your respondents has already suggested counseling, and for sure do that. Why??? Lots of married people figure that if they still don't have the butterflies, that their relationship is over.... it isn't. Butterflies last two years!!! Max!!!! Now what, and what happened?

You went from being the babe, the huss the foxy lady to mom and housekeeper. He went from being the man, the stud the sex machine to father and provider... wheeeew.... And no one told you that this would happen, did they??? No one in your hs years, nor your college years told you that with children, your marriage feelings would do a 180..... "let's have a baaaayyyyybeeeeeee... Oh, how roooo mantic."... Bull sh(it). Hard work, frustrations, and anxieties. And that even tho you love your children, your marriage is indeedy, "crowded" and each of you is distracted from your partnership and your commitment to each other. And with those frustrations comes the inability to solve anything without resentment and rage, and that is about where both of you are now... Right? (Because for sure, this is what this posting is saying.....)

Marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust.... and right now, you each have issues with Respect, and Admiration each for the other. As well, you each have no ability to communicate without trouncing on the other's ego. No, ability, none, ZERO.

Hon, get into counseling, even if he won't go. Learn the language of getting your issues out there on the table without raising the hackles on his neck. Learn how to defuse a coming battle.... things you don't know how to do,,,, and neither does he. Ping ponging back and fourth just erodes your marriage... you say things you can never take back, until those acid words are all that you taste -- him too. Get into three sessions of counseling, and learn the language of compromise, and of communication...Take paper and pencil... you are about to learn lots.....Your children need their father, you don't need to be a single mom, and he needs his family, and his wife. Do it hon, do it for all of you. He'll go later, I promise. Best money you will ever spend... Save your marriage

Answer 8

Divorce happens to most marriages. With that in mind unless he is abusing you nd your kids than you must do everything in your power to save your marraige.

Counseling works but you both have to participate.

If there is another woman, than you have to be prepared for it.
Most people cannot get over that although some do.

Abuse can be physical or verbal. There is no difference.
Make sure there is none of that if you are going to try to work it out.

Sometimes love is just not enough. Sometime you have to cut your losses to make a better life for you and your kids.

Ask your self what you are willing to do to achieve this.
Then ask your husband what he is willing to do to acomplish this.

You just might find common ground and that would be the begginning of a new life for the two of you.

The love you shared before is different. Love evolves. You both need to evolve.

Answer 9

u need to hear a song by toni braxton called trippin. if u dont like that kind of music find the lyrics on the internet. that sounds like real love to me. im 26 and my husband is 30. we been together since i was 18 and it happens. we are ok one day and hell-raising the next. my only advice is to stop arguing. I know that sounds crazy but if u let him vent and not counter- it might take awhile- but the true issues he has with u will come tumbling out of his mouth. If u catch it and it is something outrageous, help him break it down- TO A SCIENCE- and then help him solve it.because it will likely be a legitimate concern from his point of view. Sometimes we say things that we dont mean. Even I dont love u or I have never loved u... Hell once he even called me a parasite.lol. Smile it will get better. He just doesnt have the words to say what he really means and if u guys are arguing all the time he may never find them. hes gotta vent- then its your turn.

Answer 10

If he doesn't want to go to counseling you are not going to begin to resolve your issues. He should be interested in what happens to you as a family with your boys but if not then you have little choice but to find a way to get an attorney and get your own life back. No matter what life throws at us, everyone does find a way to get over the losses. And sometimes the result is that we see life is better without all the baggage. I am sorry for what you are experiencing but your life isn't over and your boys life isn't over. Get some counseling on your own and find a way out of a very difficult but sometimes necessary situation.

Answer 11

If you ask me, marriage counseling does not help !
I'm wondering if he's going through a mid-life crisis time?
You didn't mention your ages ?
Sometimes this happens to guys and when it does, they aren't happy with anything in their lives.
They don't know what to do about it so they end up blaming the marriage.
Ask my ex....he'll tell you.
We went through it and afterwards, because he couldn't deal with the fact that it was just a phase...we got divorced.
He has regretted it ever since.
And he'll be the first to tell you that the men going through this...the first things they want to blame is their wives.
But once you're not in the picture any more and they are still miserable....that's when the rock hits them in the head and they realize it is a phase that they are going through.
Some people make it through....while being miserable going through it....they get through it and it gets better.
And then some people (like me) don't get through it.
You just have to decide if you're going to try to get through it...and you'll probably be walking on egg shells for awhile...

Good luck :)