Should I forgive and forget?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. We have 2 children together. In Feb 06 I left him because of his controlling and selfish ways. We decided to work things out and I returned home in Oct. 06. During our separation, I dated 1 person and he dated many. One person he dated for the majority of our time apart but he broke it off when we decided to work things out. She was aware we were getting back together. He is a good person a loves me very much as do I him. Recently I discovered that he has had email and phone contact with this person again. Once about a month ago they talked for about 2 hours and then again a few days ago. I confronted him and he admitted it and said he was wrong and wouldn't talk to her again. I'm not usually a jealous person, but I felt this was inappropriate, disrespectful and deceiving. He agreed. I asked him if he had been talking to anyone else and he said he had been talking to a waitress he met a couple times a week on the phone.

He said he has not seen either of these women in person. Even while we were separated, I had always considered him the most honest person I knew and never doubted his trust. I feel like a fool. He swears he wants no one but me and is very sorry but I just don't know how to get past this or if I even should. I realize our marriage isn't perfect but I thought we were both really trying to make things better. We attended marriage counseling for a few months after getting back together (obviously we need to go back), and have been making great progress so I just don't know what to do at this point...

IHe admitted that he had started talking to them as a kind of back up if things didn't work out between us. Thiss pissed me off, needless to say! He did agree to go back to counseling.

Answer 1

Wow! I read everything! And I can say that you are really looking for help that I pray you find here, in counseling or just with a simple prayer and following your instinct! Sorry to say this but he is a jerk how dare he have back ups when you truely care about someone you give them what you can and what you will regardless of whatever. NO backups ever! And really what kind of woman is she if she knows you guys are married and she is still trying way to freakin hard to get something. I am not married and I have never been married,but if someone is trying to have backups then they are really not putting 100% in what it is they want in their marriage. Good luck

Answer 2

Whoa, so far it sounds like he's been pretty honest with you - I mean, I wouldn't expect someone to admit that they were talking to another person as a "back-up"; that's brutal honesty. Yes, ideally he shouldn't be talking to people on the side; but no one's perfect. I would venture a guess that for whatever reason he doesn't feel that your relationship is stable. If you guys both want to work on it, I think counseling is a good idea. People in general tend to do that: when they feel unsure or insecure in a relationship, they look for reassurance elsewhere; I can certainly understand that as I've been down this road myself. However, most people won't admit to it - they'll get defensive, and will try to come up with excuses or hang the guilt onto the other person. Sounds like your husband came clean; it could be a warning bell for your relationship, but I would be inclined to give him another chance.

Answer 3

A back up? Why would he need that if he knew he was going to do absolutely everything he could to try to save your marriage? Sounds like he's not really committed to this process. You should get rid of the internet at home. Have a phone that's attached to the wall in the main room of the house. And monitor his mobile phone bills. He should put up with this scrutiny until...
until you trust him, until you are ready to forgive him, until you are ready to move on. there's no time limit on trying to get back someones trust.

This sounds like another way that he is being controlling and selfish. It's selfish to keep these women on the hook, it hurts them and you and the kids. It's controlling, it makes him feel big that he can keep three women dangling without ever having to give any of himself up. He needs to stop it, now!

Answer 4

So you found out just how deceitful men can be you thought he was the most honest man you ever known. How do you think they get away with so much,it's wives like us that are so trusting and believe in our husbands to do what's right we make it to easy for them to go out and cheat because they know we will believe anything they tell us. I thought i was married to the most honest man until i found out about a co-worker he had been seeing for 3 years. Men are very good at lying right to our face. I know how you feel you want to believe in him again but how can you when you know now what he has been up to. You have a very long hard road a head of you and if there is the slightest doubt that he is up to know good then it will be next to impossible to work this out with him. You will never know if he is being totally honest with you now. The whole thing sucks and you wish you could wake up from the nightmare your in. My husband and i did work it out but i told him i will never forgive him for what he did because i feel if i forgive him that's telling him it's OK what he done. It will never be OK what he did and anyone that says they forgive is only lying to themselves. This is something you will never forget so how can you or anyone say they forgive that person. When someone hurts you deeply and turns around and does it again like your husband has done how does one forgive and forget that,they don't if they are being totally honest with themselves.

Answer 5

hes not into making things better 100% as you are. you dont "have a back up in case things dont work out", let alone two. thats just him protecting himself! and it sounds like hes being just as selfish as he was before you seperated. he may not have ever met either one of them in person, but there is such thing as an emotional affair. im sorry, but if i ever got a "crush" on someone else while married to my husband, or vice versa, there would be a huge problem. thinking of someone else once in a blue moon is expected, but to actually take action on that and get in contact with the person is a big no no. try councelling again but to me it sounds like hes not taking this whole situation seriously.


you really need to reconsider this relationship. he obviously doesnt know, or doesnt care what he'll be missing with you.

Answer 6

I think you're in trouble. My ex didn't even seem to have any issues, when I found out he had a mistress he met online! Are you willing to deal with this indefinitely? You need to decide what is best for you and your kids. Be careful or your children will really be mixed up!!!

Answer 7

Only you can decide to forgive and forget. Just be sure you really mean it if you do. You have to decide what you can live with for the rest of your life and btw..."forgetting" means keeping your mouth shut and not throwing it up to him in the future when you get pissed about something else.

Answer 8

well you left him for 8 months; I'd say that both of you need to let it be and put 100 percent into your marriage if you plan on saving it....

Answer 9

as long as he agreed it is a good thing for counsel
seems he needs help

and learn what commitent is
you do or you don't there's no grey line.

wouldn't be too quick to forgive

Answer 10

i would have to ask the obvious, why do you feel the need for a back up? and yes do continue counceling!!! best wishes!!!