Husband having hard time accepting step children?

Question

I have 2 daughters from previous marriage that my husband just cannot seem to accept. We have only been together for 2 years but how long should it take for him to step in and become part of the family? He used to play with them all the time in the beginning but now all of a sudden he doesn't even spend any time with them. He says he is still trying to adjust but how long should it take? He wants to have a child of his own but I think he needs to bond with the ones I have before I bring another one into the family. Since he is now the man of the house should he step in and be dad (they do have their dad involved but not always) or stand back? Am I wrong for thinking he should discipline them with me or should I just accept the fact that they are not his and deal with it?

Answer 1

Ideally your new husband would instantly fall in love with your daughters, be a perfect father and administer just the perfect amount of discipline. This happens often.......in the movies, but your situation is not in technicolor.

Put yourself in his shoes for just a minute: He got married, that for one is a HUGE adjustment. Now he lives with not one, not two, but THREE females! Yikes, that is enough for any man to be just a bit intimidated. It sometimes takes a married couple years to adjust to eachother. Putting kids in the mix is always going to make the adjustment a little more bumpy.

My advice (take it or toss it) is to not expect too much from him in the fatherly role. They already have a father who is involved in their lives. The girls would probally resent your husband anyways if he all of a sudden started doling out punishments. Talk to their father concerning discipline issues, you and your ex should be communicating and still parenting together.

Ask hubby to be supportive of you and back you up in your disciplinary actions towards the girls.

As for how long it will take to adjust, could be 2 years, could be twenty. He may never fully adjust to your girls, you may wait forever to have that third child.

Answer 2

You are asking an awful lot for a man to bond with another man's children, sweetie. Even in nature, males do not accept other males' children. Evolutionarily, there is nothing in it for them.... it does not further the future of their genes... and like it or not, we are not all that removed from critters. Male lions even kill the cubs of other males, as you know. No mare will suckle another mare's foal.... rare in nature. He is indeed the man of the house, and it is an adjustment that he alone can make, if he ever even does.... Actually, it was not an "all of a sudden" thing at all... he was trying to please you, and in the process covering his instincts.... it would be rare for a man not to. Now that he is indeed head of the family, what he cannot help comes forward... don't judge him for something he cannot help. You, in the same position would have difficulty accepting his children, as the lady of the house. The Brady Bunch is just TV, sweetie. Doesn't really exist in actuality....ask any counselor.

Answer 3

I have a stepdaughter but she doesnt live with us....she lives with her mom. She is here for holidays and part of the summer. I correct her just as much as her dad and we don't have any problems with it. There are times though, when I think my husband lets his daughter take my place . He is more concerned about what SHE wants to do and I just stand off and watch. I wish we could be two adults and a child,instead of a dad and daughter, and then the wife somewhere in the background. Maybe your husband feels like he is left out or second in your life. If he is not first in your life, then why did you get married? If he feels his place in the home has been taken away by your daughters, he will be hurt. When you give him his place and attention, he will help you more with the daughters.

Answer 4

You both should be deciding on discipline (what behavior is acceptable and what is not) and whoever is around when they misbehave if the one who should call them on it, whether it is him or you. You don't say how old your girls are, but in order for him to bond with them he has to form memories (and good ones at that). How about providing time for one on one activities - he takes one girl this Saturday to the movies or out to mcdonalds or to the park, and you take the other, next week you switch. try to pick activities that won't be too long for him or too overwhelming if he isn't comfortable at first. Maybe a trip to the beach or a museum? Even a trip to the local library can be fun if he likes to read and they can discuss books they like, etc. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

And...uh...these kids just 'appeared' after you married? Madam...your husband is a chooch. What did he think? That they'd just up and disappear when he married you? If I recall..lets see...its been 23 years for me...'for better or worse'. Yeah...now I remember. So...if he can't get used to them he has some serious issues. I married a woman who had a 14, 13 and 8 year old daughter. Sure...it was no piece of cake (plus...ever try and get into a bathroom when you have 4 women milling around the house?). I did it. Wasn't easy or a piece of cake by any means but I love my wife and did it for her sake as well as my own.
Tell him to grow up for Chrissakes.

Answer 6

I think these are issues that should have been handled before you two got married but since you both are now married. I'd have him adjust to your children. Usually people who love kids bond with them immediately. It might be different with kids of his own since he can raise them up from day one. Encourage the kids and your family to have nights out to have fun and get comfortable with one another. He'll adjust soon!

Answer 7

you have two children from a previous marriage okay and your new husand has not been able to except them you have been together for two years all ready, he use to play with them and now he doesnt at all, he wants to have his own child by you and you feel he should bond with your other children first because if you have a child by hin than your other two will be left out is that it. if he is to be the man of the house like you say you want him to discpline your kids with you. first of all those are your kids and not his you should discpline them your self and take care of them.

best of luck

Answer 8

you might have to accept the fact that your kids are not your husband and he may always have a problem accept another man children. some men are dumb to the fact that when they marry women with kids they are part of the package.you are correct in wanted to be present when he discipline your children and you should be.

Answer 9

they are not his
he married you there for he married them why
would he have married you if he was going to give the kids the cold shoulder you could have stayed single for that crap
no it is not wrong for wanting his help disciplining them but
if he does not want to you can not force him
if you have another kid with him it will be worse for your two kids
becasuse he will push them away from you and from the new baby talk to him try everything you can
that might work to get your family on track
good luck

Answer 10

oh dear, i sure do see alot of my life in your statement, my son is now 20 years old, i married his stepfather when he was 6, they are to this day not close, i always felt i was put in the middle, nothing you can do except be a mom to you little ones you cannot force someone to have a relationship if he does not choose to, make sure your daughter's are number 1 in your life, you will not regret it. wish i had happier news for you but been there, done that.