My fiancee and I can not agree on how many children to have? I'm 33 and have 2 boys from a previous marriage.

Question

My fiancee is 25 and has no children of her own. I have told her that I would love to have one child with her and beyond that I can not say. She would like to have 2 "biolgical" children and can not say that having one would be enough for her. Her fear is if either one of us compromise too much that in the end we may end up resenting one another. So really the issue here is this a family of 5 vs. a family of 6. I do have placement of my two boys as they are with me about 70% of the time. My fiancee is very active with my boys and will make a wonderful step mother.

As far as any other relationship issues there are very few. Nothing that doesn't occur in all long term relationships, we are very good at communicating our thoughts and concerns and most issues are quickly resolved. However, this is lingering and it is really hurting our relationship, to the point we have discussed splitting up. I am in love with this woman, she is my best friend and I do not want to lose her over this.

This is the 2nd time I have posted this question. I have received some very good feedback and am looking for some more.

Again this woman is the joy of my life, I have never had this much in common with another human being in my life.... except just this one thing. Sadly it could be a deal breaker. Part of me wants to say lets go for it... but start now because I am getting old. She would like to finish her graduate work before becoming pregnant (2 + years) Another part of me wants to say there is no way I want to go through the diaper changing nonsense again. That only makes me feel selfish. She has admitted to feeling selfish herself with not being able to compromise to only have 1. Again, I am looking for some good advice here. Thanks everybody for your time.

She would be returning to work after having the children. With her education level she would be earning a much higher wage then I do. I work 2nd shift and enjoy it very much. I also have the opportunity through my employer to work part time and not loose any of my benefits. So I would say that the children will be with one parent or the other or at school. However, until all the kids have reached school age I would be doing most of the day to day things. I do not have a problem with this, being a stay at home dad is a job I would be very good at. I got my boys to ages 4 and 6 all on my own (baby's mama is a nut job.) With the help I know my fiancee would give me it would be a walk in the park by comparison. The only time day care would be needed would be for 2 to 3 hours a day. So that isn't an issue either.

Answer 1

Question: She's going to finish her higher education and then pop out a baby or two? Is she going to stay home with the babies, or ship them off to daycare all day long with strangers so that she can use her education she was so keen on finishing. YOU need to talk about that too.

If she's taking on two step children and planning on two of her own, she needs to take a realistic look at just WHAT IT TAKES to have a six person family. It takes an immense amount of patience and sacrifice and being willing to go with the flow.

Life does not go according to plan, so it's all well and good to have it all mapped out, but it very rarely goes that way.

I married at 25 years old to a 31 year old man who had two children from his first marriage. We now have two biological children, and yes, he used to mutter occasionally how he was too old to go thru the diapers all over again.

I would not trade ANY decision we've made to join this family, except maybe a few decisions regarding WHERE we lived. My step daughter is almost 19, married with a baby (OMG, I'm a grandma at 36) and my stepson is almost 17, my son just turned 9 and my daughter is 7. SHE, the baby, brings my husband lots of laughs and joy....he's cuddled and snuggled with her because after that, there are no more babies. It's a bond that brings me great peace to know that even though it was a stretch for him, he's gotten mostly love out of that decision. Granted, she's not a teenager yet! LOL

Answer 2

OMG you are NOT old! My neighbor is like 56 and his wife is 43...she just had a baby...they are so happy! They think of the baby as a God-send, a blessing.

Why not just take one day at a time, one child at a time?
If she can handle raising 4 or 5 or even 6, wouldnt that be wonderful? I assume that she would be the homemaker, the main caretaker for the children.

Children (or the # of) should not be a reason to resent one another...I doubt that would happen. The more, the merrier is what I've always heard.

I envy you both for having such a small issue. Dont be pig-headed and lose someone you love so much over 1 extra child...you would only resent yourself.

Answer 3

Well, you might not want to go through "the diaper changing nonsense" but remember she hasnt had a child, step-children may be a great blessing but its nothing compared to having your own! I have one step-daughter and honestly had my fiance' told me he didnt want another I would have broke it off. I absolutely wanted to experience, atleast once, the joy of having a child!

As for the age/schooling, She is right to want to finish school before having a child, she may not get the chance for 5-6 years after having that child to go back.

In all honesty it comes down to you, if your dead set against having another (or two) then let her know but realize it might very well be the end. Maybe you two could agree on having one after her schooling, that way she can devote 100% to taking care of the child and being an at-home mom and then decide afterwards if you really want another? Maybe she will decide that the one, along with the two step-children, is enough to have in a house at once!
Remember, great relationships are built on compromises!

Answer 4

I'm 34, have 2 children and also have custody of them. From my perspective not having more kids is more about not wanting to deal with the woman if things don't work out. Kids are kids are kids. It really doesn't matter if you have 1 or 3 if there is love and partnership between the couple. I would say take this as it comes. Have a first child with her if you want and then the two of you can decide from there if you want more.
I am sure you don't think your woman would do this but keep it in the back of your mind. After a first child all she has to do is avoid her birth control to get preg with the 2nd. If you decide you do not want a 2nd one with her, make sure you take care of protection yourself.

Answer 5

If you feel that strongly about her (like you said yourself she will make a very good step parent) then take it one step at a time she may change her mind after she has one child and sees what is all involved when they are young. I think you two should be commended for the your ability to compromise via talking things out.

BTW 35 even 37 (for men) is not that old for child rearing however I do understand your position on this...Play it by ear, don't lose each other, it's sounds like you have a pretty good thing going with the two of you.

Good luck in the future!

Answer 6

You 2 should work this out, be/c Im 24yrs old N im gonna be honest...I don't have the patients to get involved w/a man w/kid(s) already, BUT I do applaud your fiancee, be/c she's letting you know that's she's is ready N willing to make this happen be/c she loves you N your 2 boys!! Sounds like she's already bonded real well w/them N you have no worries there.

I would suggest that you 2 have that "one" child & see what the future lies w/after that "one" child, be/c like you said, you would like to have a child w/her...she may not want another one after the first one. Don't let the number of childern(s) be a problem in the relationship...just communicate N just go for the "one" child N see what the future holds!!!

You sound like a great father that adores your boys N would like to have another one w/your fiancee, BUT if she would like to have another after that...you never know, you may want another one in the future, but you'll know that when the time comes after your first child w/her.

Answer 7

If this woman is the joy of your life, how could this thing be a "deal breaker?" Oh, my gosh, surely life will throw more difficult things your way and how will you both deal with them?

First of all, you can plan all you want, but life will unfold as it will. What happens if something happens and she can't have any more kids at all?

She needs to ask herself if she loves you more than she wants another child. And you need to ask yourself if the future kid is more important than her. Gosh, having kids is fantastic, but what makes it fantastic is having that special kid with that special soulmate. It isn't just a kid, it is a human that is half yours and half hers.

If this is a deal breaker, then break the deal. It wasn't strong enough to begin with.

I wanted five kids. My husband wanted three. He got a vasectomy against my wishes, but I got over it. He had good reason (he worried I wouldn't survive another pregnancy.) I love him and I'm happy with our children. Period.

Compromise. If you can't, move on. You'll both lose out.

Answer 8

I suggest you be a little more understanding and put yourself in her shoes for once. You have your two little boys so why not give her her 2 children and from you!! I'm sure you can handle two more kids. If you love this women you'd want 30 with her!! lol. You get the point, don't let this issue escalate to where you both want to end the relationship. Come to a consensus and be happy.

Answer 9

All that love between you two and among all of your kids seem like an ideal situation to me. However, financially and mentally is this a good thing for the both of you? Love will conquer all. Yeah, that diaper changing and colic can drive you loco!!!

You two will be OK with 6 of ya'll, an even number!!!

Answer 10

whether to have 1 or 2 or none or a dozen is a breaking point for most people, be glad you are discussing the issue before you marry........if you only want one child and she wants 2 and is adament about it, then the two of you should not marry. Wouldn't it just be grand if you both agreed on one and she had twins..... :)