How do I get my husband to understand we need a larger grocery budget?

Question

I am a stay at home mom with 5 children, one in diapers and eating infant formula and baby food.

My husband thinks that $200-$300 per month is more than enough to supply the entire family with food, baby items, clothes, health & beauty items, household cleaners & other items.

I have showed him statistics on what average households spend, I have showed him grocery receipts even with my coupons, nothing works. I really need a specific budget and to know a certain time each month when I will get the money so that I can plan on what to spend depending on sale ads.

Right now I have to beg him for money when we run out of things, and then I'm just buying things when they are not even on sale because I have to have them right away.

He believes that the man is the head of the household, and a woman should not have any say in the finances. I understand that I don't work, and I have even asked to get a night job, but he wants me here to take care of the kids.

Any help??

Answer 1

Yes Wilma, take that club that your husband Fred is still carrying, and whack him one over the head with it. He's got to be still living in the stone ages if he believes that the man is the head of the household and the woman should not have any say in the finances. And he's got to be in fantasy land if he thinks that $200-300 per month will feed a family of 7.

I hate to offer this, considering things have not always been rosy with my wife and I, but I think you and hubby need counseling to get him to realize that what he is putting you through is not right. And if the counseling doesn't work, well, I have no idea how much alimony and child support would be for him to pay, but I'm sure it would be lot more than $200-300 per month.

Oh, by the way, HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU DON'T WORK??? You stay at home and take care of 5 kids, if that's not work I don't know what really is.

I wish you the best of luck, and would like to know how you make out with things.

Answer 2

Do you have a budget? Or rather does he? (since he doesn't think you should have any control over the money) A budget, if used properly can provide so much insight into where a family's money goes. A really good one can be downloaded into Excel on the first website. If you can get him to buy in to the fact that it would help him see where the money is going, and thus set the record straight as to whether you are just a poor money manager (which I doubt) or if he is expecting too much on too little, or if you can economize in other areas to free up a little more for life's necessities. When using a budget it's important to use it for documentation purposes only for the first 3 or 4 months to see where your money is going, then make some reasonable changes and monitor each penny for several months. It's also important to make a new budget with each pay day.
The second website you may or may not want to share with him, while it's title may sound like it comes from some backward community that is lucky to have running water, the recipes are sound. I've had some of them myself growing up and they still remind me of home, and great home cooking.
While I agree that $200 - $300 a month is EXTREMELY frugel in today's society to feed, clothe and provide cleansers and baby items for a family of 7, I'm including a third site that provides some ideas to help a family economize in unique ways.

I think there is a real problem that needs to be addressed, which is centered around communication, realistic expectations, and compromise. It's not that you are right and he is wrong, or vice versa. He will need to compromise and you will too. I don't know what brands you buy, if you have a garden, where you shop, if you shop at garage sales, Goodwill, and the like, or if you feel you need to have name brand food/clothing/household cleaners/etc. It will also require a compromise on the types of foods you eat. If you're used to eating meat with every meal, then if may hit you harder if you try some of the recipes from the first site where meat isn't always a part of a meal.

Hope this helps. Oh! And by the way, you DO work, and don't ever let him tell you otherwise. I believe marriage is a partnership where each partner has his and her own set of things they do well, and that they need each other's help with. While I agree with him on some things you said, I am adamently in your corner when it comes to others. I agree that you need to be at home to take care of the kids, but he needs your help with finances. He may bring in the money, but you should have an equal say in how that money is spent, because if you don't then he doesn't understand WHY you need an increase in your allowance (for lack of a better word), and you may not understand why there isn't enough money so he can give you that extra $50 or $100.

Just remember, you DO work. Keeping a household going on what he gives you takes economization, dedication, and going without on some important things. It's stressful, and with what you work with I'm sure it's more than a little depressing.

You both have to work together. I know MANY families where the Mother does not work outside the home, lives on a strict budget, has a growing family of 3 - 6 kids, and they live happy, healthy lives.

Answer 3

I have this problem sometimes, so when I do, I just quit making good stuff for dinner, and don't buy the things he needs. After he doesn't have soap or toothpaste for a few days, he gets the hint. I also started making a menu. It do it for a month, but you can do it for how ever long you want. Then I write a list of what I need at the store, and then we go over it. Yes, I end up buying more that is on the list, if there are good sales. I have even taken him shopping with me, so he sees what I go through to grocery shop.

Just so you are aware, and you probably are, they say it takes $100/person/month to feed, clothe and run a household. That would mean that for you, since you have 7 in your family, you should be spending about $700/month just to keep the family going. Yes, I don't spend that much either, but I think my hubby is starting to understand that there are living on the bear minimum.

I never buy anything unless it's on sale, or it's really, really needed. So, I can't really cut anything out. Maybe making him make dinner for a week, and then not having the stuff to make it would show him that you can't do it with what you are given.

I didn't used to care what the finances were, or really worry about it. We made enough money, and I didn't have to think about buying what I wanted. Now that we have 3 kids, I can't really do that anymore, and sometimes it's hard. I had to go buy pants for me the other day, and I felt guilty the whole time because I had to buy something for me. It's always about the kids, or my hubby. It has been 3 years since I bought myself new jeans. It was time, but I still felt bad for having to buy them. I think it's because my perspective has changed. Maybe that's what he needs. A change of perspective, so he understands what you go through to run the family.

Answer 4

The ONLY way to properly set up a budget is to document how much things are costing you and what are you foregoing without the increase. I can understand how showed him statistics on what average households spend doesn't cut it. I know it's hard, especially when his culture (the old way) believes that the man is the head of the household, and a woman should not have any say in the finances. Just document the expenses and win him over to see, so he can make an intelligent decision for him to approve the increase.

Answer 5

Make a deal with him that he accompany you to the store each week for a month. He will change his mind. Besides he is being foolish and immature not to work with you on this. As man of the household it is his duty to sit down with you then and discuss the budget and how much you will receive each week in order to do your job well. Explain to him how you have gotten things on sale with coupons and that you need to know how much each week you will be getting for the groceries so that you can better plan the money.

Answer 6

Stop feeding him. He will get the idea. Just let him know he was not part of the budget.

$300/month with 5kids? He is dreaming! I only have 3 & spend more than that. & no, we dont eat steak & shrimp every day.

Take him on the shopping trip so that he can understand that a dollar doesnt stretch that far today. Cost of food has gone up a lot recently because of drought conditions in areas as well as gas costs that are passed on to us, the consumers.

Answer 7

I think you should make more of an effort to live within that budget. Of course with only $300 per month to work with, you don't have any money for toilet paper -- put a stack of newspaper strips in the bathroom for HIM. Or shaving cream and new razors ... And I know you won't have laundry soap for HIS clothes.

Now as for the food, I think a can of pinto beans is suppose to serve 3 or 4, well whatever that portion is exactly what he should get for supper.

Answer 8

You likely knew he was a jerk before you had five kids. Why did you do this to yourself? Don't have any more kids obviously. Although you think maybe that was part of his plan?...get you preggers and keep you chained to the kitchen counter? Likely. Most sexist pigs to this.

Listen my Mother used to take this crap from my Father years ago. She threatened divorce and taking us kids away from him.

He straightened up fast. She also had to put her foot down more. They had huge screaming matches but she won. He used to try to stop her from getting jobs too. He had issues let me tell ya.

By the way though, today I have little to no love or respect for my Father. He was a selfish *** to us all. So in the end your children may give back what he dished out.

It's 2007 and your a modern women. There are places you can go to get help. Go to a women's support center. You can get a divorce and collect money off of him. I don't see why you would stay with someone who thinks little of your worth. Your in a sort of prison, and I think you know this.

This "man of the house" belief often leads to abuse. So be careful and watch for signs.

Find help. Don't be afraid. Be brave. I know you feel powerless and dependent. Don't believe his mind games. You gave birth and raise 5 kids! HE could of never done this I guarantee you.

You take care of yourself. Be strong. You cannot be intimidated. Your children need a Mother that will fight for them and for herself.

Your children are learning about marriage and relationships between men and women. Do you want your daughters (if any) to learn to be mistreated or sons (if any) to mistreat?

Think about the future. Will you regret not standing up for yourself?

Gotta go...but take care

Answer 9

The next time your husband ask for a specific meal or something he likes, (snacks) simply tell him I didn't have enough money to buy it for you. Let him know that you needed to spend the money on his 5 children that he rather see starve and walk the street with holes in there shoes. You might have to suffer along with him but, you can always survive on peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese sandwiches.
When you go clothes shopping, don't buy anything for him; "sorry Hun, didn't have enough money to get you a new pair of underwear", you'll have to wear the ones with the holes in them until I can afford to buy you a new pair. He'll get the message.

Answer 10

I agree with JCMaubee; start getting CHEAP brands of what HE likes (stick to good stuff for you and your kids). Feed him smaller portions, and explain to him that's all you can afford if he asks.

I'd also consider contact WIC for food for you and your children; maybe THAT will shame him into feeding his family properly. And no, I'm not saying those who need it are shameful, but he sounds like the kind of guy who WOULD think so.

More than anything - find a way to get some counseling for yourself. Why do you care what he wants if it's hurting you and your children??? There are lots of low-cost or free types of counsling out there. This guy is a classic controlling bully; no adult should have to beg for money from a spouse, ESPECIALLY for food.