she was born when he & I started dating. he never told me about her.he knew that the girl was pregnant but denied her & had nothing to do with her. he was 30yrs old(divorced w/ 2 kids) & she was only 19! that bothers me alot! he was the adult in this situation & he was so irresponsible & thought he could get away with it! she lives an hour from us now. i found out when he was served papers for support. he knew about her all along & went in for a paternity test when she was 1 1/2yrs. and didn't tell me! nobody knows about this child except him & I. As a mother this breaks my heart. I am having a hard time with it. the child never asked to be here. I don't understand how anyone could turn their back on a child. it is one of our biggest fights. not to mention he owes $30K in arrears. i thought he was paying & found out he wasn't. D.A is taking it now. I work F/T & take care of my responsiblities & most of his & my 3 kids from my first marriage. I don't know what to do. kids & i suffer!
2007-09-18 08:35:58 · 20 answers · asked by exhausted 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Finding that out, and it being so against all that you believe a man and father should be and do, WOW, that would shake my foundation. How could you have misjudged him so poorly, what else is he capable of doing? If he is willing to abandon and ignore his own child, what is he willing to do to you and yours? I would have a very difficult time staying in love with a man with whom I had so little respect. I hope the two of you do not share any kids together, but beyond that, perhaps you need to let him know, that he either steps up to the plate and does what a man should do, or it's a deal breaker. You already work full time and take care all the kids, why do you need him anyway?
2007-09-18 10:29:57 · answer #1 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you. I dont know how any man can turn their back on their own child. How is he with his other two children? Does he take an interest in their lives? It is a huge financial responsibility and a burden on your finances for him to be paying child support........plus the back payments. What do you want to do? Is the financial burden the reason you and your kids are suffering? Or is it that he kept it a secret from you? Do you love him, is he a good father to your children? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself. It is his decision if he wants to see his daughter or not, you can't make that for him. His daughter probably will seek him out when she is older.......every child has a right to a heritage. You've got a lot of thinking to do. People do things for all kinds of strange reasons....maybe one of the reasons he kept the other girl a secret was because he was madly in love with you and if he told you then he may have thought he would have lost you. There is no use crying over spilt milk.....it has happened, it cant be taken back. You have to decide if you can live with this extra financial burden and working out if your commitment and love for your husband is enough for you. Only you can decide that. Good luck.
2007-09-18 15:52:19 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, Frustrated, I'd take a deep breath, okay?
Apparently the man doesn't really have an adversion to children, as he has two, and you have three.
Maybe, it was easier to let the relationship (was there a relationship?) go if they both just walked away.
Maybe he's done her a huge favor by not being in thier lives. Maybe she could heal and learn to live independently without having to be in constant communication with him.
However, not paying child support was a huge mistake. Financially, he needs to try to come up with as much of a lump sum as possible now. He's very far behind.
Hon, marrying someone does not make them without issues or flaws. It joins two people who are meant to work as partners. I am sure there is a part of him that wonders about that child. I am sure, with gentle support, he will do the right things.
Right now you need to quit fighting. Forgive yourself for not knowing, and forgive him for knowing.
I do have a concern about the statement, " I work F/T & take care of my responsiblities & most of his ".
I think this says a lot about what's going on. You're already footing his expenses, he's got a ton more debt now, and he neglected to keep up his payments. I see this as a Big Red Flag.
He needs to address his issues. He needs to work full time steadily and find something part time, too. He needs to indicate that he can pull his share, and not just expect to saddle you with all the financial burden.
Not only that, but he needs some focus. He got himself into this mess. HE needs to get himself out. So, hon, I'd go over the finances of his you've been covering for him, and say, "These are yours. I can't do it anymore."
Take that burden off your shoulders. Have a little wiggle room in your budget. Take the kids to MacDonalds. Whatever.
I don't think he's hopeless. I think he desperately needs your gentle and loving guidance and support.
You teach him.
I wish you luck, Dear Frustrated...
And God bless you and yours.......
2007-09-18 17:49:28 · answer #3 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all your husband is cold hearted man and he lay ed down with this woman and made this child, he owes back child support and he should pay his own way you need to stop taking care of his responsibility i don't care if you are his wife i couldn't be with someone who would do such a mean and hateful thing, you thought he was paying and now you found out he wasn't. This makes you wonder doesn't it if you had a child how would he treat your child if you were to split up. you married this man and now you have to deal with it.
in the meantime try not to get your self all worked up.
best of luck
2007-09-18 20:35:03 · answer #4 · answered by mmurray001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am amazed that you are such a caring person. A lot of women would be glad that they don't have to share their husbands with his child or deal with an ex, but you are actually concerned about his daughter. What an amazing woman you are. I don't blame you for being mad. He was dishonest with you. This should worry you very much. You should get out and let him deal with the mess he's in.
2007-09-18 15:47:24 · answer #5 · answered by mamabear 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well you need to realize your husband lied to you and kept this from you for a long time. A marriage shouldn't be about hiding and keeping secrets. He should have been up front about something of that importance such as this matter. Now that you two are married his bills and money he owes will affect you. You can either forgive him and live like this or just decide to break apart from this man. He caused you and your children pain and it may be the only way out.
2007-09-18 15:43:25 · answer #6 · answered by Txgirl23 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
wow- i feel for you, I'd be worried if he ever left you. My brother is the same way, it broke my heart b/c I wanted a houseful of kids and he has one that he has disbanded, I don't talk to him for that reason as well as others of course.
Most of all I feel for the child, what a shame. I only hope he grows up and realizes his mistake of not paying and do the right thing. You can't make him but I'd be worried for you if it ever went bad.
2007-09-18 15:54:59 · answer #7 · answered by Yummy♥Mummy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact the he lied about the child and went behind your back to have a paternity test performed means that he has most likely lied to you about other things, too. Of course, the lying is compounded with his being a "deadbeat dad", as well.
Hire a divorce attorney--today--to protect yourself and your children.
2007-09-18 15:45:11 · answer #8 · answered by Mathsorcerer 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Of course you are angry, he was selfish and irresponsible and a MORON. Did you know that he was like this when you got married? You are completely right, this is going to make you and the children suffer because the 30,000 debt is yours as a married couple. I can only tell you that for me, I would be leaving him right now. But this is your life, not mind. How much are you willing to put up with?
2007-09-18 15:44:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you love him you need to support him...you are his wife for better or worse. His best decision to make is to acknowledge the child and try to make up for the years he lost with this child. If he's not interested in being apart of this child then he needs to sign over his rights. He needs to think about what's the most important aspect of this situation which is the child's well being.
2007-09-18 15:44:27 · answer #10 · answered by Rabbit 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋