Breaking up - what if it *is* her?

Question

the classic advice for breaking up is, "it's not about you, honey" and stress the things she does right, but also the things that, through no one's fault are incompatible and doom the relationship to failure. When I've done the "it's not about you" 4 times in the last year, she sees that as a reason to keep working on it.
The issues?:
-doesn't let me get a word in edgewise
-offers too much unsolicited advice
-has lots of drama in her life
-i'm depressive and she has ADD,
-can only see her own point of view
-i've ended up the handyman for her old house and she starts two projects for every one i finish.
-talks too much about work (we both work for the same company) w/ opinions i don't always agree with.

(I will admit to be overly commited to my adult children, needing lots of time to myself, being an introvrt, very structured and very involved in sports that she doesn't care about.)

So how do i end it?

Answer 1

How do you end it? You end it if you want to. You end it if you have none of the four biggies for her and she has none of them for you.... Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. And you end it if you find not enough bennies in it for either of you. And one of the best ways to end it is to get into counseling and have it pointed out to you that as a couple, you have no reason to continue except history..... It is the same reason that married people stay together.... "The devil inside the gate is known. The devil alone is not."

It is scary to continue one's life alone, but it as well means that you are in no position to find someone else should you wish to. We get used to things, no matter how bad they are, and least they ARE!!!!
This is for sure not to say that adjusting to life without the other is easy.... it for sure it not. It is as if you would be accepting a death....because you ARE accepting a death!! And it may take some counseling and some meds to get each of you through it. So you can stay in a miserable relationship, and both of you suffer, and hate it, but stay because at least it is predictable, or you can leave, get your head back on straight, and find a lady more to your liking....

Answer 2

Just be honest with her.
Tell her that you have put your differences aside numerous times, and nothing better is coming of the relationship, and there's a point where you just have to face it, that it's not going to work.
You two are trying to make something work that isn't going to. It's going to be hard, and there are obviously things about her that you don't like, and disagree with. I wouldn't necessarily go into detail about this, but just tell her your differences have proved to be too trying, and it's not working. Express how unhappy it has made you, and while there are things you do love about her, or like, whatever stage you're at, the negatives of the relationship have just outdone the positives, and it's best that you two call it quits.

No girl likes to hear that you want to "stay friends", b/c it's just giving us hope, which is ultimately false hope in situations like these. The only reason a guy ever offers to remain friends is b/c A)he thinks it will lessen the blow of the breakup, or B)he wants to keep the possibility of having the "benefits" of being friends open.

If you're worried you could regret this decision, just tell her you need some time and space to figure a few things out, and figure out where you want this to go. Whatever you do, don't lie to her, or mislead her. While it's going to hurt her regardless, the truth, in the end will be much more accepted and respected.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Are you sure you want to end it? What does she want? Maybe the answer is not in ending the relationship, but in you doing some things differently. If you have adult children, then you're old enough to know that there's always going to be some incompatibilities in a relationship. Eharmony boasts of matching people on 29 levels of compatibility, but does that mean those couples will never break up or get divorced? No! This is what I do with my wife; whenever she's angry and does things that provoke a fight. I say to myself," Listen lady, I refuse to allow you to set the tone of this conversation," and then I patiently hear her out---listening for the thing that has gotten her wound up. Then I respond gently, making sure that I address her concerns. I too receive a lot of unsolicited advice. Many times I can't seem to get a word in. I often hear about some kind of drama in her life. I too think my wife talks too much and sees only her point of view, and there are some subjects that we are never going to agree on. But we are deeply in love with one another, and we've learned when to blow each other off. I believe that in any long term relationship, you have to do this. You and I seem to have some things in common, and if the woman in your life is like mine, she depends on the quiet stability I bring to her life. In fact that's what drew her to me. Email me if you want to hear more.

Answer 4

First off, don't lie...it's almost ALWAYS about the other person and not being compatible. Simply say "I'm sorry but we're just not a good match, and I'm ready to move on. I wish you the best"

Ta-da...if you want to elaborate in specific issues, that's your call but if you do be ready for her to offer to try to fix everything you bring up and "change" for you...so it's probably best to just keep it general right now.

Down the road if you are still communicating from time to time, and the relationship is well over, you might give her the line-by-line items of why it didn't work out. She should know why (if she wants to) and she can decide if those are things she wants to work on within herself or not, for future relationships.

Answer 5

u know it doesn't have to end this way or at all, if u have any love for her left. show her the post, let her see what she is doing to u, and at least give her the chance to make changes before u walk out her door forever. give her one chance to change, than if it doesn't work out, u will not feel guilty or bad about it. i would bet if she knows its about to end that she would be willing to change to save the relationship. at least be honest with your reasons and go from there. its all about if u love her at all and want her. if not than tell her the truth and leave but the next one may be the same, because u think ending a relationship will end your problems u are highly mistaken because u are also to blame here for some of it. but if she doesn't know what bothers u and has made u unhappy she can't make the changes can she?

Answer 6

Definitely stay away from the laundry list of her flaws. Honesty is good, but too much honesty can hurt. You don't have to blame her out right or take the blame, just say it's not working and avoid the "we'll keep working on it" response by saying you just don't see it working in the long term and that you would like to move on and find something that does work for you and hope she does the same.

Answer 7

Tell her that you have come to realize that you don't have that many things in common. Your interests are way different. You like sports, she doesn't. She has too many things going on in her life right now that you think she needs time to deal with by herself. You may even tell her that you feel as though you are being used (handyman). You thought you were ready for a relationship with someone when really you aren't, because you realized that you need more time for yourself and your kids, even though they are grown.

Answer 8

sorry, you're going through this. Break up w/her the way you feel comfortable. She sounds bossy, demanding and manipulative. both people will be hurt but its for your happiness at end of day. some ppl become incompatible after a few yrs,

Answer 9

It's not about you is always a true statement. No matter what she does it is about what you want for your self. You don't' want to deal with those things so it is about you. You do not have to explain it to her. Getting you to explain yourself is how she ropes you back into working on it. Just leave it at We are not compatible and I think it is time for us to both move on.

Answer 10

Tell her you're done. It doesn't have to be difficult. Just explain to her that you're both going in different directions and it would be better if you split up.