Post break-up/divorce?

Question

I wonder if men and women react differently to breakups/divorce? How did you deal/grieve?

Wow Bijou! What a powerful story!

Answer 1

I was running from an abusive husband 11 years my senior. I signed to a horrible divorce agreement, that I later heard the judge was reticent to sign (amaaaaazing, as this was in Texas, which is a notorious state for favoring father's, maybe the miso's would be happy there!).

We married when I was 3 months past my 18th birthday, only 2 months after graduating HS. I met him at a party and there were sufficient drugs around. We stayed high for 3 months and got married. How romantic!!! I was scared, homeless (living with friends, partying it up), a lonely child really, and was happy that someone was in love with me and wanted to 'take me away forever'. I had glorified the idea of romance and had found my so-called knight in shining armour.

Not soon after the wedding he became very different. He was aggressive and prone to violence. If I took one second longer at the store....if I smiled at the mailman, things like that. He was insanely jealous, and took my car and had the phone disconnected. He cut me off from society. Police were called several times, by myself, by neighbors, but as his folks were big shots in this little Texas town, nothing was ever done about it.

His ex-wife (h.s sweetheart, had been with him for 15 years) approached me once to say at first she had hated me becuase I was so young and pretty, but that now she felt sorry for me because she realized I was just a baby. She said he was controlling and violent. She was right.

After we quit partying, he straightened out for a time, he was a decent guy at heart I thought after all, so I wasn't a poor judge of character! We had about 5 decent years together, kids born etc. Then, the piper came calling and he was back on the s.hit, and this time it got even worse. I had no skills- NADA. I knew I couldn't stay, and after a brief stint in a women's shelter ( I was too embarassed to tell my folks) it became clear I didn't want to wind up like one of these poor women.

As I said, I was awarded primary custody with paltry child support that took about 3-4 years to get enforced, and the right to move out of state with my kids. He didn't want to come out of pocket for anything, and 'sold' his kids down the river' just to not have to pay. I might have stayed if I knew he was going to be somewhat supportive. But I had no family there.

No attorney would take the case because they knew the family (let's just say they know a few judge's as well) and said if that's the offer take it run and re-do everything once you get settled in another state. I left with$22.00 in my pocket after 8 1/2 years of marriage. I left the mini mansion with its fine furnishings and deluxe accroutements. What price freedom, right?

Problem was, once I got settled in MO I was so poor, but above the 14K poverty line (ahhhh yea, I was making 15K that first year) that I didn't qualify for any gubbment programs, no healthcare and no legal aid. Funny, if I would have just quit my job I would have received all of it. Let's see,reward the people who sit on their a$$ (and this coming from a humanist!!) hmmmm.....???

So, the reason I tell you all this is to explain how I felt when I left. I was terrified, how am I going to support 2 kids with no skills and no college degree? At the same time I was so relieved to be 'free' and excited to start a new life with my boys. The only thing I ever grieved was that I didn't do it sooner. The very hard road I travelled to get to where I am today was long and arduous. It taught me I am strong and I don't need anybody for anything. Not money and not emotional support. I CAN do it all on my own, UN-educated with NO money and NO support system. I learned I was tough as nails, and for that I wouldn't change a thing.

This story is one reason the misogynists are so misguided in many of their statements, especially those regarding custody. My ex 'gave' his kids away so he wouldn't have to pay $1,500 a month in child support and split the cost of the house ($$ and house based on TX law). Money and control was so much more important. That is sick sick sick.

He even followed me here and I let him see the kids supervised against my better judgement. Then the stalking and threats began, but this time it was different. He was on my 'turf' and some of MY family were long time friends with the local police. A restraining order was filed after he told my Dad he was going to take me and the boys away and he would never see us again. So, it wasn't a problem getting the restraining order enforced at all. But, I asked they not keep him in jail here, that I did not want long drawn out court proceedings and I thought he would return to TX w/his family. He received TWO police escorts out of state, that I'm not entirely sure were legal, but was more than fair on my part.

I recognize my part in the beginning and the staying with him, and the why would you have kids. I have owned up to all of this. I've also found the strength to forgive myself. Holding on to guilt, instead of learning from it and letting it go, is too brutal for a kind soul. It also makes you martyr mother, and who wants to be THAT??

This doesn't have much to do with the question, but I hope it will explain to some of the spelling and grammar nitpickers on here that everyone has a story. There may be a damn good reason why some of aren't as eloquent as the rest of you. Try and see where someone is coming from before you make that coarse judgement. I think I do pretty awwwwright for someone who has nothing past a HS education (hehe, even tho' I had a 4.o when I graduated...just HAD to throw that in! lol!!). Be nice :)

LOL, this is one reason these miso's don't scare me or bother me. Trust me, if I can deal with my ex, they are just fleas in the wind.





Edit: Thanks Lioness :)
I forgot to add that while I was dealing with all this alone I also was dealing with 2 special needs kids. My oldest has (supposed) ADD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The doctors said it was possibly becaue his father abonded him at an early age. After all the drama ended after I moved up here, his Dad was in and out of jail and stopped coming to see the boys, even tho' I was allowing visitation (court supervised of course). Then I found out my youngest had a severe developmental delay, and was diagnosed with CAPD, (Central Auditory Processing Disorder) which could be in the spectrum of autism. He didn't talk at all until he was 4 years old, and I was told he would never be a fully functioning adult, on the mildly retarded side. He is doing so well now, way beyond belief, and I hope he will be able to function without me one day. If he can't, that's okay, because he will ALWAYS be my baby and will ALWAYS be welcome in my home. My current husband loves these boys as if they were his own. How's that for taking on with a woman with so much 'baggage'?

Not pulling the 'poor me' card, just thought it was important to let people know, male or female, that no matter what you go through, no matter what you put yourself through, if your intentions are honest you can conquer anything. I especially love talking with all the teenagers that are constantly in my home. I like to let them know, there is light at the end of the tunnel you just have to look for it.
Now ya'all may understand why I have a 'don't ***** with me' attitude. Been there and done ALL that and seen some things that have made grown men cry, my Dad. God I love my Dad. xxoo to you Daddy!

Answer 2

Thankfully, I have never been divorced. However, I have had many friends who have been and my own father was divorced before he met my mother.

From what I have observed, men to grieve after a fashion. There is generally a lot of pain, hurt, "where did it go wrong" sort of thinking. Depending on what caused the divorce, I have seen both sides wage proxy war on the other through the children.

I tend to think men bottle up the pain a lot more than women. It is a cultural thing that "real men" don't show a lot of emotion, but it is there.

Answer 3

In my personal experience, it's seemed to work out well for both of us so far. We are currently separated, and divorce is just around the corner between my wife and I after 22 years of marriage. We have known one another for over 30 years, and had a very good platonic relationship for the 1st five.
We are still very good friends, and I seem to get along better with her family better than she does! Her parents still invite me over for dinner on a regular basis, and sometimes I think she might have a problem with that. The funny thing is, sometimes I wont show up if I know she'll be there, and visa versa. I think they're hoping to get us back together again. The last time we both went there for dinner, her Dad pulled out the home movies from years ago, and of course her Mother had to yank out the photo album too!
Our families will always remain close, and I love them very much.
I don't see us ever getting back together as a couple again, but our friendship will never die, that much I am sure of.
I think this might be the result of us being very good friends for several years before we ever went on our 1st date together.
Other couples that I know that began their relationship through dating, marriage, separation then divorce usually don't speak to one another, unless of course there's children involved. And even then, communication is limited.
We've been separated a year and a half. Our kids are all grown up (the youngest is 17) and we all get along fine.
Neither of us have begun seeing anyone yet, but I'm getting a little anxious! I'm not getting any younger!
But I think we're dealing with things very well all things considered.
We have both contacted divorce lawyers, and we've agreed that there won't be any squabbling about who owns what, or who gets what.
Neither of us have ever been like that.
For the last year and a half, my wife live has lived in the house with our youngest. We've agreed to sell the house, and divide the money appropriately, once our youngest completes high school.
I've been renting a decent 2 bedroom main floor of a house in the central core of the city, which is really nice. Suddenly all of my old single friends have crawled out of the woodwork, and have been begging me to go out and hit the bar/club scene.
All summer long, each Friday night it's been late nights at my back yard fire pit, and drinking beer, and pig roasts! I feel like a kid again!
I'm going to a 'Jethro Tull' concert (that just gave away my age) in a few days with the boys, so it'll be fun doing that sort of stuff again!
So far, the single life has been treating me very well...no complaints here!

But, divorce can be very difficult on a family, especially when there's young children involved.
I didn't mean to make light of a bad situation with my rant above, but it doesn't always have to be an ugly ordeal. It really depends on the people involved I suppose.
Bijou - I'm sorry to hear about your experience, and I hope things keep getting better for you!

Answer 4

My first marriage had been breaking up over a period of nine years.

I'll admit in the early years of the marriage I made some mistakes, and did some things I later regretted, but I think I more than made up for them in the later years.

The divorce was my decision. It was tough. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I did have to grieve for a while.

But I also had to face the shared responsibilities we had for destroying our marriage. In the end it was more her than it was me. I changed for the better; she changed for the worse. Infidelity, drugs, dangerous friends, all came into the picture.

I remarried two years later. Been fairly happy. I haven't seen my first wife in about 18 years. I still see our son, who is on good terms with both of us, about every year or so.

I think you have to say your goodbyes. It is best if you remember what was good in the relationship but don't forget what wasn't.

I became a more religious person. 27 years after the divorce, and 43 years after the wedding, I have healed and I hope she has as well.

By the way, I have forgiven her and forgiven myself for the things I know I did wrong. I think that's essential to the healing process.

Answer 5

I think humans are humans. Statistically, I have heard more men re-marry, or at least re-marry quicker. I don't know that this means they dealt with it better though.

I've never really had a bad breakup, but I think I got just as sad over any of mine as a guy. I don't think, emotionally, men and women are all that different. We all need people, and each of is hurt when we lose someone.

Answer 6

No matter how big your loss is and how much you grief, if you are a man you should stay self-composed and carry on, do your daily duties, and keep your act together. Your whole manhood is summoned and is under question in times like these... As for women, they like to dwell on higher ends of either positive or negative emotions, so they need more time and its ok to have a temporary breakdown...

Me personally, most of the time I initiate my breakups and the only feeling I have is that of a load off my shoulders... Well, once I had a girl I loved and that one was hard...

Answer 7

it probably has more to do with who instigated the split rather than the genders.
I've been pretty upset for a long time over a break up before (he broke up with me & was fine with everything--i was depressed for like a year!).
but when i got divorced, i was so happy!! (he had to be committed to a mental hospital a few weeks later for being suicidal. i'd say he didn't take it well)

Answer 8

I heard a saying years back that said "Women fall in love faster, and Men fall in love harder". I exercise and mentally deal with it, before going out to clubs(drinking) or dating. I usually take it hard, for long term relationships.

Answer 9

The reaction has little to do with gender. It depends on the reason and how much they cared about the other person. Only difference would be that men will talk about it and wine about it less.

Answer 10

I swore off marriage entirely.