Long Post- How does a person know when to stop trying to make the marriage work? When to call it quits?

Question

I'm not attracted or involved with anyone - not attracted to him either. Sex is not a priority for him. It has been 15 yrs of an uphill battle that's feels not worth the climb. We have no children I am 47 and he is 37. He is married to his mind&job- in his own little intellectual world most of the time - When he is home he is here physically but mentally he is usually elsewhere
Seems like the only way I can make this work is to TURN MYSELF INTO SOMEONE ELSE. But I am "beautiful" (inner beautry) and have worth just as I am. I just can not foresake myself- I am at an age where throwing myself away just doesn't make sense. He told me 8/06 that he married me to see if he could fit into society by trying to be a married person (he didn't want kids -didn't tell me before)- he wants to live alone Other times he says he loves me and does not want to live alone. Asked him to see a counselor-he said "it wouldn't work out in MY best interest" (covert threat?) Would appreciate your thoughts

Answer 1

Wow.. That sounds like a tough spot to be. First, please let me praise you for remaining true to yourself in realizing and maintaining such an awareness of your inner-beauty and self worth. That is so, so wonderful that you are at that place. So many people seem to lose sight of themselves and their own worth when they find themself in a struggling relationship.

Secondly, let me make the simple point that marraige is a partnership, and that it doesn't sound as if you have much of a partnership in your marraige.

Beyond the partnership you have with your husband, let me state that if you were married in a church, before God, then your marraige is a partnership with God as well. I don't want to take this in a completely religious direction, but it is a big factor to many people. Marraige is a sacriment, and at the root of the sacriment, is the idea of sacrifice.

A marraige between two loving people can sometimes get off track. When that is the case, then the sacrifice and faith of each spouse through the "worst of times" can lead the marraige back on track. If your husband is not being loving, which it sounds like he is not, then he is failing in his partnership with you, and also in the sacriment he made to God.

His fear that counseling will not work in his favor, is an indication of a selfish mind and soul. Inturn, his selfishness could possibly make it impossible for you to uphold your commitment to him and to God because in such situation you would be required to sacrifice yourself infinitely with no positive growth in your marraige, or yourself in return.

If he is not willing to seek counseling, then consider pursuing it on your own. Just finding someone to talk this all out with may help you arrive at a decision as to whether he is worth continuing to make this sacrifice for. Good luck.

Answer 2

You sound just perfect the way you are and I understand that you may be feeling alone in your marriage. It seems that talking to him is not working therefore action might get his attention. Leave him for a few days just to see his reaction. Now if he comes running then you can capture his attention and explain your feeling even launch some threats of not coming back if things doesn't change. Tell him about his negligence and if he continues then honey you know it is to keep he stepping.
Being away from him will not damage but it will hurt because as much as you say I could see that you still love him. But clear you mind by taking a weekend away from him also to see his reaction. Pack heavily because it might take all week to get a reaction.
You'll see! It is when you cannot have something then it is when you crave it.

Answer 3

I read a good book not long ago. The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Go to the library and get it if you have to. It is not long and easy to read. If that does not change your marriage after trying it and your husband does not respond and want to know what is going on then you might consider divorce. Give it a try for 6 months, what do you have to lose? We all want to be loved and feel loved your husband is no different.

Answer 4

dont waste another single minute of your quickly dribbling away life and get yourself to a counselor by yourself and show them your question. you are not living a life, here, you are just drifting thru, and you sound too smart and frustrated for that. go go go and take action, i am demanding that you do this, because the right counselor can open your mind to many options open to you. i dont mean a psychologist who will endlessly talk about your childhood, i mean someone like a life coach that can break you out of your soul crushing rut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go right now to the tony robbins website and read about the coaching they have there, they believe in acting to change, not just fighting endless uphill battles. you can do this, but, you have to get off the couch and ACT> do it now.

notice how i have not said one word about your comatose husband????? this is not about your husband, dear, this is about the tiny little world you inhabit that you need to make bigger and better, and when you embrace more of life, the husband thing will be clear as a bell to you.

Answer 5

if he won't go to counseling YOU go. It seems to me he is very self involved and has no concern for your well being. Marriage is compromise..give and take...when you are doing all the giving it will break your spirit in the end. You are a beautiful person and don"t forget it. It sounds like he has given you many clues to howhefeels..he just isn't MAN enough to be totally truthful with you. GET THEE TO A THERAPIST NOW! You are worth more than you are getting. God bless & good luck.

Answer 6

Yep...time to leave this marriage.....He isn't even wanting to try and make things right. Why would you marry a guy that apparently was marrying you to see if he could fit into society as a married person? Did he not love you?? His refusal to see a counselor is a deal breaker...he doesn't care...and is to wrapped up in his own selfish world....Leave now!

Answer 7

The question you should be asking yourself is why you feel the need to settle for being his doormat. If you don't want to be having this conversation in 10 years when you are almost 60, then get a lawyer and get a life. You've given him enough time, I think he is telling you the truth, he's simply not interested in you.

Answer 8

Your own happiness comes first. If he doesn't want to try counseling you can still get some yourself and see if it works or gives you some different insight.
I don't know but at your age I would be enjoying myself and not living in what seems to be a loveless marriage.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Honestly, if it were me, I would call it quits. It is just you and him right now. And he doesnt sound like much. You are still young. Stop worrying about what HE wants, and focus on what is best for you. I dont think HE is best for you ( not by a long shot ). move on without him. good-luck.

Answer 10

honey, I was in a marriage just like that. We were more like roommates than husband and wife. I mean I loved him and all but it just wasn't there. He was fine but I needed more. I had to end it, And now we are great friends. Life is to short to live it that way.