how do you stay in love?

Question

today in counseling i really fried my partner. he hasn't been actively involved in the "making things better" movement. i know he loves me and he wants to be with me, but he has to try harder to make me happy. i am so devoted to him, but when he neglects me i give up. i ask him for passion, romance, and intellectual conversations, but he forgets all the time and i can't take it anymore. how do i stay in love with him even when i don't feel like i'm being treated how i want to be treated? i don't wanna nit pick or be a b*!$% i just need the love and affection i deserve... in a grown up relationship (not the things that were acceptable when we were younger) -- i told him, this is it for me... either we work this out or i'm gonna be alone. we do a lot of laughing and joking, but what about the other stuff. i want to be enthralled by him!

Answer 1

If you think it's bad now wait it can get worse if you do nothing about it. You need to sit him down and tell him just how bad things are for you. You need to sit him down and tell him exactly what it is you want. Just telling him that you want more romance and affection isn't enough you really need to spell it out step by step. Tell him, when you walk in the room it would be nice if you sat next to me hug me while we are watching TV and if we go out it would be nice if we could hold hands. Men really don't understand what we want because we don't break it down for them we just say we want more. One thing you said i strongly disagree with and that is when you said he has to try harder to make you happy. It's not his job to make you happy that is solely on you to make your own self happy.

Answer 2

First of all, love is a choice. That's what sees you through in a committed relationship. There's going to be good times and bad times, and you have to have the resolve to stick it out. But here you are putting all of the responsibility on him to make you happy. Get over yourself and your ideas of what you think you deserve. Expecting to stay enthralled with someone is unrealistic. That only happens in romance novels and in Disney movies. I have an ex-wife that was like you. For 14 years I just wasn't good enough for her, and then she left to find Mr. Wonderful. We have been divorced now for 13 years and she still hasn't found him yet. Instead she has been in one rocky relationship after the next, and there has been several occasions when she has expressed her regrets in the decisions she has made. Some of the things you said in your question sounds exactly like the things me ex used to say when we were in counseling. There's still time to come to your senses. If you were smart you'd do it, but my guess is that you're too self-absorbed to see that you are the problem.

Answer 3

Unfortunately being enthralled by someone doesn't always last. It's usually in the early stages of a relationship that we find each other fascinating. After a while we tend to come back down to earth...sometimes with a bump! I think it's great that you're both going to counselling. My first husband refused (and he's now my ex as he left me for another woman). If you're threatening to leave your partner this isn't going to help him demonstrate affection. You might be scaring him and depressing him. He may well withdraw from you. (If we're to believe the men are from Mars, women from Venus book) Try to focus on the positive in him. I do see where you're coming from as I've been there myself with my current husband. One of the things I learnt that helped me the most is that my husband is not the same as me. I'm intense, easily angered, emotional but he's placid, calm and feels things deeply but quietly down inside of him. He gave me a lovely card recently as it was an anniversary of the day we first met and I forgot. I was crabby with him but I cried when I sat down and read the card. I don't know whether you're in the UK or US. I'm in the UK and just read a brilliant book callled 'Loving against the odds' by Rob Parsons. Plus 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman (he's American). Love languages are different ways and methods we use for expressing our love (can be misunderstood!) I found these books in my local Christian bookstore (I'm a Christian) but they aren't preachy or anything and are helpful and practical whether you believe or not. Best wishes x

Answer 4

I've been there. You either accept that your husband/partner is going to be more like a best friend than a romantic partner, or you move on. You can't turn an unromantic person into a romantic. I tried with my husband, but I gave up on that about a decade ago. He's my best friend, but he's not Rudolph Valentino and never will be.

Answer 5

You should find something that you both like to do together. It will give you time with him and remind you both of why you liked being together in the first place. Sometimes we just get stuck in a rut, so to speak, taking for granted that the ppl you love know that. Life keeps us spread so thin anyway, try picking up a hobby together, but take time for yourselves too so it doesn't feel like a chore. Good luck. :)

Answer 6

your thinking too much about it
just let things come naturally...if you are always worried about it, you tend to look for things that bother you...look at the little things that he may do
men have a tendency to "slack" on the romance department
but if you know he loves you..let him be---he will come to you

Answer 7

if people knew that answer there would never be divorces... relize what you want out of love, and relize that you will never get those years you spent with him back.