Ghostlights shimmering against the blue.
Time and life were flying by.
Crisp air filled my lungs with dew,
drenched in thoughts of you and I.
An unfinished puzzle left on the floor,
pieces strewn in the shape of doubt.
Forever wanting just a little more,
as reality decides what we can live without.
2007-09-18 04:50:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It is a provacative piece, but there are a few logic errors you need to consider. For example, "crisp" air is dry, so it would not fill your lungs with "dew"..."sultry" air would do that, but not "crisp". On the other hand, crisp air might fill "my lungs with you". Ronnie is correct on the grammar issue of "you and I", but I believe there is enough room for poetic license in this case. Also, it is also true that reality doesn't decide...technically, it reveals, but since you've personified reality, I think you could also get away with saying that it "does" decide; whether or not you change it is irrelavant to the meaning of the poem and the reader understands your point. It is up to you whether or not you should change "decides" to "reveals"...a subtle difference that only you can decide because you are the one who really knows what you meant to say.
Finally, title your poem...poems without titles are like children without names.
keep writing...you have poetic insight
2007-09-25 22:13:13 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A good piece, IMO.
I like the idea, and the A-B-A-B rhyme is pretty good. Not all the phrases really make complete sense (would filling your lungs with dew cause you to drown? what is the shape of doubt?), but they do set up some killer lines. I like "drenched in thoughts..." a lot, and the last two lines are where I think the poem's power lies.
I really like "reality decides what we can live without," though I'd kind of like to see a word other than "reality" -- Fate, Time, Years, something like that. (A single-syllable word might help the meter, too.)
Nice work though.
2007-09-18 12:48:35 · answer #2 · answered by Sir N. Neti 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a great poem, but I am troubled by that last line. I get the gist of it, your meaning, but reality doesn't decide. Reality is what is, if you know what I mean. Reality could "reveal." But I think you can find a better word than reality....what, I don't know.
Over all, your poem is beautiful. It has feeling, and you have a gift of description. That puzzle shaped like doubt is the best part of the poem.
2007-09-22 23:08:23 · answer #3 · answered by Me, Too 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be VERY critical - then I would say - a little too abstract,
But my gut feeling is that I liked it.
I would like to see more of your work to make sure that this was not just a fluke!
I wouldn't worry too much about what makes logical reason - previous comment about drowning in dew - poetry is NOT based in logic - that is why some choose to read biology books and other read poetry!
Hope this isn't a one-off - it has got something - very evocative!
2007-09-26 03:58:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
could anyone understand this poem better...this poem is perfection "An unfinished puzzle left on the floor,
pieces strewn in the shape of doubt" that's amazing, I can feel that as I read it
2007-09-18 14:25:17 · answer #5 · answered by lolabelle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It goes random, coherence?Direction?
Without, within? Message? It is very unclear as to even the thought process. The crisp air fills my lungs with thew. Do I spit you out? Do I care, or do I dare? Are you there?
2007-09-25 18:39:05 · answer #6 · answered by Wylie Coyote 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has great flow and depth. The counts in each line are even and you can feel the thoughts behind it. Sounds good to me.
2007-09-18 13:37:32 · answer #7 · answered by Missee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bleak, disturbing, all together a very judgemenatal outlook on the realationship between two people or things, overall very satisfing, well done!
2007-09-23 21:28:29 · answer #8 · answered by kissaled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ummm- you have a hot pic :)
I'm not into poetry- I'm the kind of person that fixes problems with a bat- i couldn't even keep my ADD from lettin' me read the whole thing the first time through..... it has a nice iambic though!!!!
i thought about sex the whole time i was reading it...does that help?
2007-09-18 12:01:21 · answer #9 · answered by aliaysleighbasic 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pretty good. I would write the fourth line as:
drenched in thoughts of "You and I ..."
It gets around the grammar issue (you and me) and I think it leads in to the next line. What do you think?
2007-09-18 13:40:47 · answer #10 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋