What do you think about this paragragh as a novel opening? Worked hard on it...?

Question

As years passed, it became more difficult for people to find a logical reason for Nicholas Darkeyes’ suspicious acts. His hair was purple and usually tied to the back into a short ponytail. His eyes were blue, changing to hot pink every year in spring. His clothes were always worn dark and scruffy; it looked as though he wore them for weeks.

There is another sentence I would write, but not done yet. How do you like it so far?

Answer 1

I have to agree. It doesn't work at all. The first sentence and the rest of the paragraph do not compute. They have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. Is tying your hair in a ponytail or wearing dark clothes suspicious? Is the color of his eyes changing something he can control or does it just happen? If it does, it cannot be considered an "act" because he isn't actually doing it. Also, the word "act" itself doesn't fit. To me, the connotation is something lewd - like a sex "act" or performances - like a street performer. I think the word you really want is actions. And the last sentence should really be two sentences without the semicolon and you should avoid using the word "worn" twice. You need to decide whether your opening paragraph is going to be about 1)How the neighbors feel about his actions or 2) What he looks like. They don't both belong in the same paragraph. As it is now, the first sentence makes me mildly curious, but the sentence that follows turns me right off. Hope that helps. Pax - C

Answer 2

Try moving the first sentence to the beginning of the next paragraph, and then say something about the suspicious acts----or better yet---launch into some dialog.
It's better to have some "show" instead of "tell" right at the beginning of a story.

Don't get discouraged. I've been trying to get criticism for my writing for a long time. What you've got so far is very helpful. Don't let it hurt your feelings---take it as honest, useful feeback.
I wish I could get this kind of critique. I've only found one person (out of eight who have read the beginning of my book) who actually read it in a timely manner and gave me some feedback that really told me where there were problems.

Best Wishes

Answer 3

It's a little unclear to me, and I can tell you right off the bat that it doesn't sound like a book I'd be interested in.
Anyway, the reason it seems unclear to me is I can't figure out if you are refering to his hair and eyes being odd as suspicious acts, or if you meant that he does suspicious things and then launched into a description of his appearance.
I'd either discuss his looks first and then get on with the suspicious acts, or else I'd tell a suspicious act and then descibe him a bit later. Or, perhaps, I'd say that people found him suspisious because of his appearance (in more detail though, of course).
Does any of that make sense? I guess to really try and help you I'd have to know more about what you're trying to say. Good luck!

Answer 4

A paragraph should contain related information. you go from mentioning his suspicious acts to describing his appearance; the two really aren't related and shouldn't be in the same paragraph.

Also, don't feel the need to throw all his physical description together like that; sometimes if you space them out, it will come more naturally without feeling like an "info dump." Perhaps describe his appearance while they're doing something? Instead of just saying "His eyes were blue," say, "His blue eyes scanned the trees for signs of..." See what I mean? You get description AND action in one sentence.

Answer 5

Hmm, it's not very good.

I'd suggest scrapping the physical descriptions until you can incorporate them into the narrative flow, i.e., the flow of the plot, if you must break the plot to describe a character then you do not need that description.

I mean, that's basically just a single sentence, loose descriptions amount to nothing. Also, not to partial to the name, unless you give an explanation for the last name "Darkeyes."

Answer 6

It would be more effective if you wrote about why the people were suspicious of his acts and why they were suspicious acts to them and not Nickolas. Physical description has nothing to do with it. A good way to describe him might be is to have him walk down the street and record the people's reaction to his appearance.

The main thing you want to do is to capture the reader--he must want to continue reading after the first paragraph or two.

Answer 7

Too much description of the character without making me want to know him...Is there a point to his purple hair and changing eyes? I really don't care. Try relating one of his "suspicious acts" and then work the description into that. A simple fact based description as you have presented is just not interesting enough to make me want to go further.

Answer 8

Don't sweat the first paragraph. This one doesn't work, but it will do for the first draft. You can change it later. Get on with the story.

Experienced writers know that they will revise once the book is written so they don't sweat where they start. They just concentrate on writing the story all the way through first and fix it later.

Answer 9

that's difficult to choose via only the 1st sentence, no remember if that's a solid first sentence. i could could desire to work out it with yet another paragraph to grant you an exceedingly solid answer for that. in spite of the fact that that's effective, for what you have given me. Darkeyes isn't a great final call. in case you have been having difficulty with names, you ought to consistently google seek "surnames." you may get some great stuff that way.

Answer 10

Me likey. =)