i have been with my husband for 6 years, through good and bad and some down right terrible times. he can be a moody person sometimes and i am a quiet person so he can bully me abit or critisise the way i do things. sometimes we get on good and then suddenly it takes a nose dive and war breaks out. i have made mistakes such as texting another man, but at the time my home life was awful. we got through it and then he did the same to me. again we got through that (we have never slept with anyone else)
we moved 250 miles away to have a new life together but then on thursday we went out and at the end of the night a man i didnt know spoke to me for 2 minutes. my husband went mental and that night he pushed me around and gripped my arms so tight i have bruises on my neck and arms.
what should i do? did i casue this by talking to this man for 2 minutes whilst waiting to go home? should i leave? i have put my heart and soul into my marriage and now i have bruises. should i leave
2007-09-18 03:29:39 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
did i deserve this because of me texting another man? should i accept that this is what i deserve? i am desolate right now and so hurt. please help me. i am 27 and from england
2007-09-18 03:31:31 · update #1
i text another man 4 years ago. this was on thursday night after a man spoke to me in a night club and my husband didnt like it.
2007-09-18 03:40:20 · update #2
no one "deserves" any type of abuse...you two need to have a serious discussion about the issues in your marriage
maybe you should see a counselor or your priest or minister
2007-09-18 03:33:56 · answer #1 · answered by Mindy S 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Okay, both of you texted other people - you first because you felt "unloved" or whatever, and then he did, in retaliation, no doubt.
You've moved away to start afresh but the plain fact is that you've only moved location as the pair of you haven't moved on in your relationship, at least not in a deep and healing way where the two of you honestly trust each other again.
No one deserves to be gripped so hard that they have bruises on their neck and arms for innocently talking to someone else, even if your husband has tried to justify it by relating his anger to your potential unfaithfulness some time back.
Pushed around and bruised? If that isn't a sign that there is something seriously wrong brewing underneath the surface of your relationship, what will it take for you to address it?
Someone's got to draw a line somewhere. Perhaps now you've been frightened by what he can potentially do to you, you'll get some help from outside. Controlling, abusive behaviour has to start somewhere, and it seems like he has you down that path already.
Honestly, moodiness, bullying, criticism, and 'downright terrible times', that is just too much drama and intrigue for a healthy marriage. Leave him and get yourself sorted out. You need to put your heart and soul into you.
Good luck.
2007-09-18 03:54:52 · answer #2 · answered by Sun is Shining ❂ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you didn't deserve this. not at all. Don't forget he did the same thing. He sounds very possessive, and with the bruises you now have physically and emotionally I think this is the signal you need to get out now before he does worse. I know this is an awful thing as you love him and have made sacrifices for him. See it as a lucky escape honey. I am so sorry this has happened to you it's not fair at all. But although you may not want to think about it now, there is a better person out there for you. Leave before he does more damage. Get support from your family and friends to help you get through. The problem is, men are much stronger than women so we cannot fight them, making it dangerous. You are vulnerable. Tell him exactly why you cannot go on because of what he did. You need trust in a relationship, without it, there is nothing to hold it together. Overall, you must make this descion yourself.
good luck.
2007-09-18 03:44:05 · answer #3 · answered by . 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out now. It sounds like overreacting but once a man has laid hands on you, a boundary has been crossed that you can't undo. No man has the right to lay a hand on you, let alone cause bruises.
Ending this relationship will be hard but you are very young and have a whole life ahead of you that could be filled with joy with some other man who respects you and makes you happy. My Mum always says that being happy in a marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without. It sounds to me like you can live without this man. He has the typical profile of a man on the way to becoming an abusive husband - petty put-downs, bad mood swings and unfounded jealousy.
Of course you didn't 'deserve' it. Any normal couple is happy for their partner to have friends of the opposite sex, even mild flirting - my boyfriend has girlfriends he hugs/kisses on the cheek/chats to, and I have male friends in the same way. We trust each other - the fundamental of any relationship.
Did you move so far to 'start a new life' or has he isolated you from your support network?
Get out and get safe. Have you got a friend or relative you can talk to? Try contacting a woman's charity for support and advice.
2007-09-18 03:54:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh Dear - Are you sure this is the sort of life you want? You should be able to talk to a man without being hurt. Clearly this guy has issues of insecurity, and maybe you do to. BUT
Once a man uses physical force on a woman it usually escalates until she is seriously hurt or worse.
It doesn't sound as though you have good support from family or friends, especially as you've moved so far away. Is there anyone who can support you through this?
Stop thinking it's your fault. That's what bullies always want you to think. 'i just put my arm up to rub my eye and you walked into my fist,' kind of thing.
There are various kinds of support organisations you can contact. Your local Women's Aid may have some leaflets on bullying that will help you.
2007-09-18 06:57:17 · answer #5 · answered by proud walker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one DESERVES to be assulted, unless you've done the assulting. Dont allow yourself to be degraded or mistreated any longer. If you think you deserve to be in such a nasty predicament, then you will stay stuck and possibly end up dead. Life is short. I'm one to believe that divorce should be a last resort, but some cases it cant be any other alternative. Good luck and God Bless you. Get as far away from this man as possible. Next time, do not be hasty into marriage, find out WHO you are marrying.
2007-09-18 03:43:12 · answer #6 · answered by teri is ambience 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband has some serious issues with himself to deal with his insecurities around your relationship and his jealousy so much so he moved you 250 miles away from family friends and jobs to get you on your own!!
Moving away as it proved has not been HIS answer and it has not been yours either for trusting him you get bruises for chatting to someone who chatted to you first!!
You did not cause this outburst let us get that straight it was his insecurities that caused that.
Not sure how having a sit down and a heart to heart chat with this sorry excuse for a man will do you it may end in more bruises as you will tell him how unhappy you are and he will get insecure and defencive then lash out again.
Can you go to your doctor and ask if you can see a trained counsellor so you can talk to someone who may be able to help you get everything out and work out for yourself what you must do.
I cant tell you what to do but what I will say is if a man layed one hand on me he would be shown the door and never be seen again or I would just walk away never to see him again.
In time you are going to loose confidence, self worth, self esteem and not value who or what you are is he worth that?
You are a person in your own right and do not deserve to be treated this way time to put yourself first before there is nothing left of you.
Good luck it is not easy as there are still feelings there but you have put 6 yrs of hard work into your marriage and be honest with yourself has anything changed or has it got worst and then your answer will become clearer to you.
2007-09-18 05:34:41 · answer #7 · answered by momof3 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some couples require complete fidelity in the form of social isolation from any external social contact. Others are more relaxed about it.
You, I think, would like to have others in your life short of sleeping with them. He wants a 'watertight' relationship.
When he feels threatened or insecure he resorts to a physical expression of his distress. This points to a lack of more acceptable communication skills and there is the ever present possibility that you might be exposed to the danger of emotional or physical cruelty. At the same time he is not happy either.
After 6 years of marriage its evident that things will get worse for you both rather than better. You for one are not really prepared to give up either your interest in men or to give up being attractive to men.
You mention that you are age 27 with no children and living in a foreign country. You are in a very vulnerable position.
Upon careful reflection, my advice is that you should get out while you can. Naturally there will be short term pain and upheaval. He will put you under a lot of pressure to stay.
If you do manage to break away you will know after a a short passage of time that its what you wanted to do and needed to do and that it was the right thing.
I hope you manage to salvage the rest of your life. You, and he, deserve to be happy.
2007-09-18 04:08:14 · answer #8 · answered by Paul R 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You made a mistake. But that doesn't mean you deserve to be abused.
Your husband is a control freak and an abuser.
Use your mind, which is still sharp and figure out a way to leave him.
Then tell him over the phone that you will only see him in a counselor's office.
Do some marital counseling and get some moral support for your situation. If he is abusive there are organizations that are there to help you break free.
Look them up on the internet and make the call. The abuse will only get worse over time.
You've got to leave him before you are so beaten down you won't even have he strength to leave.
2007-09-18 03:45:31 · answer #9 · answered by Picasso 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't deserve bruises for anything you do. It would appear that talking to this other man for a short time probably triggered his latest outburst, but he still has some trust issues that need to be worked out.
Trust is one of the basic underpinnings of a good marriage, and you have both damaged those underpinnings in the past. If he continues to be violent, then you have to leave - you HAVE to - just to protect yourself and your safety, even if it's temporary.
Counseling may help you if you both agree to go. He may have a bi-polar disorder, which can be helped to some degree with medication. If he is trying to isolate you from your friends or family, he may be a control freak, and things won't get any better for you.
2007-09-18 03:43:37 · answer #10 · answered by Bill F 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should never ever have to be abused. You can't help if someone else talked to you it wasn't your fault. The mistakes from the past have been forgiven and they shouldn't be brought up again. Forgive and forget.
I would get out for my personal safety. He hit you this time, next time it might be worse. Tell him he needs to go to get some anger managment classes. If he get some personnal counseling and if you still want the marriage to work you might want to try some couple counseling.
However for the time being I would get out to be safe. This wasn't your fault. He is the one that has a problem. I don't know if you have a abuse hotline where you are but I would look to see if there is a place for you to get some personal counseling as well. Take care and good luck.
2007-09-18 03:38:16 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋