When a friend does something self-destructive that hurts you too..?

Question

how do you handle it? Do you forgive immediately? do you chew him/her out? Do you say nothing or let them know how much they've hurt you?
Once you've forgiven them.. do you let it go?

mermaid, I am a trusted adult, but thank you..that's terrific advice.

Answer 1

Kallan i have been in this horrible gut wrenching situation.
My best girlfriend in the whole world, lost her husband in a car wreck and found solice in the arms of a drug dealer. This led to her addiction to speed. She had two small children and her life became a dance from one hit to the next and they all suffered. I took them into my home because i could not stop her, but i could help those sweet girls of hers. I comforted them in the dark days after their Daddys death, when they were crying for their Daddy and their Mummy because she was never around. I came to love them as my own. In the months that followed my friend went from one low to the next , never having a clean day.I was there for her too when her body failed her. I cried myself to sleep at night wondering how i could make things better for them all and how to save my friend. I missed the wonderful woman she used to be and lived in fear of getting a phone call to tell me that she had been found in a gutter with a needle hanging out of her arm.
I pleaded begged threatened her to stop what she was doing and be a mother to her children who needed her so very badly. But the drugs had made her deaf to anyones feelings, even her childrens. I was an emotional mess and my own children were suffering because i was giving so much time to my friends kids. I was emotionally empty. In the end i made the hardest decision i have ever made in my life. I turned My best friend in the whole world over to the police. It broke my heart and our friendship. But her kids were safe and loved and secure with their grandparents. I consoled myself with the thought that my friend, the woman she used to be, would be grateful i had done what i did. Months later,She rang me late one night and thanked me for what i had done, and said Im sorry and hung up. I no longer knew where she was or how to contact her. A few weeks later i got a ph call from the kids grandmother. My friend had died from an overdose.
I was consumed by grief and guilt. Had i pushed her over the edge? I will never know. But i do know that her children are now loved and happy and thriving.
I know i did my best and then some for her and her children, but it was just not enough.

So what do i do now when a friend or loved one is acting in a self destructive way?
I tread VERY lightly and pray to the powers that be that they see the light before it is too late, like it was for my best friend, the woman who was once a warrior.
Ariel

Answer 2

(((Kallan)))

If this friend is truly important to you, you MUST communicate with them and let them know what you are feeling. Knowing you through your answers and questions, you will know how to do it compassionately, without hurting them in return.

Chances are they are totally unaware of how whatever is going on is affecting you. They are probably completely self-absorbed and cannot see beyond their own reflection.

Once you open up to them, forgiveness and release will come naturally. It will not be a questionable action; it will simply happen, because you care for this person.

But first and foremost, COMMUNICATE. It is the initial step toward all healing in any relationship.

Answer 3

Largely depends on the situation.

I have a dear friend like that. She's got Borderline & is trying to handle things. It's not so much as forgiving, rather understanding & giving lots of support. Just knowing she's got that support is helping. And I'm glad to say the support goes both ways

Then there's my Ex. Who ignored his health (including years of untreated diabeties) so much I believe he's pickled his brain. And that was before he started getting abusive.

There's no "Yes/No" here. My friend is trying to imporve her situation, My Ex is happily wallowing in his death wish (regardless of who he's hurting in the process).

.

Answer 4

I try to understand them , I dont hold anything against them
because they are not thinking properly and dont mean to hurt me
I do try to be firm though and set some boundries ... even though I know they wont always be met
I ALWAYS let it go
because the other person holds enough hurt and guilt for both of us

I live with this every day sweetie xx

Kallan ... the Buddhist practise of detatchment is vital in this xx

Answer 5

I think that if your friend is doing something self destructive to themselves, it is a cry for help and you need to immediately tell a trusted adult. Then let them know you are there for them no matter what.

Answer 6

Forgive, yes. But you still have to call them on it. Hurting themselves might bother you, and it ok to tell them you find it painful--or not. But hurting you isn't something you should or can afford to put up with.

Being a friend doesn't mean being a doormat.

Answer 7

I accept their pain as a gift (it proves to me that I have strong emotional feelings for him that I value) but there is nothing to forgive. I let him know how I am feeling and how much he means to me.

Answer 8

It depends on how hurt I am by their actions. I might chew them out over it but then over time I will forgive them the hurt they have caused but once I forgive them I let it go.

Good luck with your problem ((((((((KALLAN)))))))))

Answer 9

Self destructiveness is cry for help. I would try and help my friend. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd love to have someone help me.

Answer 10

I don't want to write much about this here, but I had this happen to me before, and it hurt so badly that I've learned to protect myself, my feelings, much more. I learned to identify situations that are potentially dangerous, emotionally, and to anticipate what's coming.

If you wish/need to talk, call me.

Take care of yourself, dear friend!!

((((((Kallan))))))