what should i do???????????

Question

i've been in a relationship for 7 years and throughout the majority of it my husband and i faught. he was always so angry and said it was because of his childhood,which was a bit disturbing, but i stook by him and tried to help. he was abusive and very condecending, but i always thought that he would get better, which he did a lot, but now i'm wonderig if he's changed enough for me and i'm not sure if i'm willing to wait another seven years for him to improve even more. we have two beautiful children and i am worried about seperating but i don't know if i'm as strong as i once was to deal with this any longer. he's the breadwinner in the family and he always give us what we need and anything that we want. we live in a wonderful neighbourhood and we are pretty well off, but we haven't always been well off like this, that's why i don't think i would miss any of this. i'm not ungrateful i just feel so confused and depressed. any advice would help, but please only serious answers. thx

Answer 1

If you have been dealing with his angry issues for seven years he should have been in counseling a long time ago. He could very well be being honest with you. He may be still carrying a lot of hurt and pain from his childhood...it isn't fair to you but they say if someone has unresolved issues and pain unfortunately it will show itself and will keep rearing its ugly head when that person enters into and throughout a relationship/and or marriage.

I would suggest counseling to him if you haven't already done so. If he agrees just be very supportive, understanding and patient as he will not change overnight, it will be a process. If he went through years of childhood abuse and has carried it with him all these years he won't heal in a few days or a few months but if the counseling is effective you will see a definite gradual change over time.

If he refuses counseling and to deal with his past, how to cope with it and heal from it, there is 0% chance he will ever resolve his inner demons and you should let him be miserable by himself not make you miserable with him.

A person can be poor with a rich happy soul or rich with a poor empty soul. Yes, its nice to not have to struggle and have nice things but as you said you have had less and as you know money can't buy you happiness.

Yes it takes a lot of strength to go through difficult times but it takes even more strength to leave the relationship and cycle of abuse. It is not healthy for your children. If you feel you still love him and can hang in their at least six more months then do it but if he is still being violent it is best for you to be seperated while he gets the help he needs. The children do not deserve nor need to be witness anymore of his violent and abusive behavior. It is better for a child to come from a broken home then live in one and it would be good for your children whether you stay with him or not to see you become dependent and less dependent on him. I would rather live in a shelter, be alone and work two jobs to support myself and my children than to be with an abuser.


Best of luck!

Answer 2

Sound like your hubby needs professional help. Since he did not marry a psychologist, I see no reason that his problems should be dumped in your lap.
My guess is that you are a strong person or else you would have booked a long time ago. If you wanted war, you could have joined the military and retired with a pension and benefits.
Marriage is for loving partners only. When you first met your husband, and knew then what you know now, would you have dated/married him? If the answer is no, I'd begin back-peddling ASAP for your sake and the sake of the children. A strong person like you should be able to find the way to make it without the daily anger drama that you have become occustomed to enduring.
Is the money really worth all the confusion and depression?

Answer 3

Is he still abusive? You say that he got better. That must have taken some effort on his part.
Marriage is for a lifetime. That gives you plenty of time to work out problems. As long as you are working them out, there are going to be highs and lows. It sounds like even though you have made some progress, you are feeling like you are in one of the low periods right now.
Have you seen a marriage counselor or just a therapist for your own issues?
Your children probably want to stay in a home with their mom and dad together. If you think of them, they are not the only reason to stay together but they are enough reason for you to seek help improving your own happiness within marriage.
Have you thought of your life outside of the marital framework? Is it possible for you to get more education and go for some of the dreams you may have once had when you were younger and childless?
Everyone talks about breaking up in order to get what they want. But what if you work to achieve goals from within your marriage? If you are lonely, you can stay married and seek more friends. If you are ambition to attain your dreams, you can stay married and work on getting more education or working part-time and maybe eventually full-time.
You can learn new skills, enjoy new sports, volunteer, become part of a network of friends sharing common interests. All while you are still married! And feel 100% better.

Answer 4

Are you still in love with him? That's the question. Now I personally know from experience. I am still waiting for my wife to grow up and become an adult and parent. She can never find anything positive to say about and to our kids, even if everyone around us tells her how good and respectful our children are. Her form of abuse is more emotional and mental. She wants to control them with negativity. We have been married 17 yrs. and I'm at the end of my rope. We are still together but all I do is think of my kids and put their needs before mine. It is a complex question and there is no simple answers, and I know this might sound cliche', but only you can answer your question, are you strong enough to start all over again with or without the kids.

Answer 5

It sounds like you would be good for counceling. If he will go to anger managment or not you should go and try to at least to understand what is happening to him and all the ways it hurts the family. Depending on the laws of the state you live in if you get a divorce you would get child support, possibly stay in the home they are in and a chance to go to school. The fact he is admitting he has a problem is good but it doesnt get the job done. Where there is no change there is no change. Good Luck

Answer 6

You haven't said in here if you've gone for counseling (either together or separately). You both need it-- and if he's been trying, as you say he has, then you need to talk. Seriously talk. To him, telling him that you have watched him change so much in 7 years and you are so proud of him for the changes he's made and that you love him.

Then you need to tell him that you're feeling a bit weaker than you have-- that you need a bit more support mentally-- and that you know it isn't necessarily needed to come from him. YES, I mean that. If you know he's putting in 100%, then you must acknowledge that, and tell him that the support you need is to help you survive mentally and emotionally while he continues to work so hard toward change.

Recognize that he has been doing so much, and workng so hard, but tell him that YOU need help to be able to continue supporting him.

Ask if he'll come with you, to help him see your point of view, and so that you can find things that you can do together-- to help him, to help you-- and to help you both as a couple.

If he doesn't want to go, though, please don't opt out of it yourself. There's a lot of strength to be found this way. Believe me.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

OK that's tough! Listen you have to sit down and think about everyone and everything in this relationship!! Relationships are about sacrifice. Look at for instances relationships and marriages that last long.The two people involved are truly committed and honestly usually one is much stronger than the other. I think you should see if you can actually have the courage to stay because it would be better for your children. Look at the good things in him and the things you are grateful for. No one is perfect so if you meet another man he might be nice but might not be there for you. So work on what you have and weigh things well. I suggest you keep trying my dear. See the things you admire about him and love, because for you to write this question here it means you care about this man.. good luck dear

Answer 8

Give a little forethought to this. You can divorce him, but your children are stuck with him as their father for the rest of his life. It's time for tough love and setting boundaries. Both of you need a good bit of long-term counseling for the children's sake, most of all. It's so much easier to talk about divorce beforehand. The children will remember it as the day the family ceased to be. It's very final and very traumatic and will affect all of you for the rest of your lives. It won't change your husband and you have less control over what goes on with your children if you divorce.

Answer 9

I AM VERY SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. IF HE HAS HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD AND HE HAS CHANGED A LITTLE BUT NOT TOO MUCH IN THE PAST 7 YEARS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE WILL CHANGE ANY MORE. 7 YEARS WE ARE TALKING ABOUT AND NOT MUCH OF AN IMPROVEMENT SO GUESS WHAT, STOP GIVING YOURSELF SO MUCH GRIEF AND LET IT GO NOW WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL. YOU CAN STILL BE HAPPY... Good LUCK. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO TALK MORE IN DEPTH ABOUT THIS. I HAVE BEEN THERE TWO.

Answer 10

STOP! STOP! STOP! If he hits you then turn him in and send him to jail. If not...You married him... Leaving him wont magicly make you happy. You made a commitment. Stick by him and work on your marriage. Maybe counceling would work if he doesnt open up to you. Tell him he hurts you when hes condecending... It is our nature to scream, hollar and be defensive when we are backed into a corner.. weather or not you intend to, thats usually when men blow up. Remember perception is reallity.

As far as your marriage. Divorce is the only way out ONLY when the other person has decided it to be.