How do I deal with My Husband and his Son?

Question

I've mean struggling with how to deal with my husband and his interaction with his 14yr old son who I believe is causing stress between my husband and I - It's not a direct hit to our relationship it's more of a side swipe to our relationship. I have been step parenting him since he was in the 5th grade - He's now in high school and he seems to not listen to me or take my corrections. He's not rude or disrepectful to me but he's not responsive to my request & devisouse with his actions. He does things on his own time. and when I confront him about why things are not done he stands there with a blank look and he offers no response to my concerns. I then go to my husband when I cant get anywhere with my SS. But my husband doesn't respond as I think he should.....So things pile up and then I start to bark because I feel Im not being heard and what I want does'nt seem to be important enough to get done. I frastrated and I want to get through to my husband that I'm not happy.

Answer 1

I think it's your husband who needs to deal with him, not you....He's his father and although you have been apart of his life for quite sometime now you don't want your stepson resnting you and you don't need to be fighting with your husband about this...I think you should have a talk with the both of them, express your concerns and how you feel and let him know that he needs to take care of this..Your stepson should know that even though you and your husband work as a team the three of you are still family....Good Luck***

Answer 2

About 14 was when my son started rebelling.

I think its that nature thing- kids grow up and move out and before they go they rebel. He moved out a couple of years after that.

I can't complain, I was the same way. I was finishing high school and working two jobs but I had an apartment and car at 16.

I'm just saying at 14 they aren't adults but they aren't children anymore. You might try listening to him, instead of telling him.

The most difficult thing is to listen without making any comment or suggestion, just to listen. Even when he asks, try not giving guidance, just support.

You won't be able to earn his respect anymore as a parent, perhaps you can as a peer. He might not be in your house much longer, and thats ok!

good luck!

Answer 3

From 1 step parent to the next start with your HUBBY first then work with the kid. You need to sit down with your husband and outline what you feel is right or wrong and work out together a correction penalty etc for the child. Tell him you feel hurt or whatever by him not going along with you(plus you might point out that if he doesn't at times go along with you that child will continue to ignore correction from you and become unruly).

Answer 4

Sheba , your not going to get through to your husband , he's his son so therefore its hard for his father to believe the child is deliberately or deviously doing anything to annoy you , your SS sounds like how my step son used to be , I could never tell when he was lying and when he'd steal thing's my son's got the blame , when I asked him to do thing's he'd do it on his own time or would only half do it and I used to get so upset , it caused a lot of problems for our family , I couldnt understand it I got along so well with his sister yet he was doing everything he could to make my life hell.

Or was he?, the simple fact is kid's react differently to any divorce / re-marriage situation , they hold in anger and hurt for many years and it just depends on the timing before the bomb goes off and they start thinking your not my parent I dont have to listen to you.

So this is where you stand up and take stock of how you treat your step son , when you ask him to do something dont think I want it done now because it's so important if it doesnt get done right now it'll bug the heck out of me , just say would you please go and do this wait for him to say yes and then walk away and dont think about it again ,or say to your husband I would like SS to do this could you ask him please and then walk away dont stand there waiting for your husband to get up right there and then and ask his son to do it , if you try things this way you may just see a difference , because as long as you continue to get angry about him not doing it right there and then the more he wont do it when you want and dragging your husband into it well honey is it really worth losing your marriage over?

I allowed my SS to rule my emotions for 5 years and it drove me to nearly destroying our family because my own kids and his sister would get up straight away and do what I asked them to , also you have to re-evaluate how you ask them to do it , are you just walking up and asking in an aggressive tone or are you requesting it nicely? you may think your asking nicely but what your step son and maybe even your husband is hearing is aggressiveness , even though you cant hear it sometime's you may find you are indeed using aggression.

Its hard being a parent but it's harder being a step parent , each family has a different way of raising their children , so if you come into a mixed family you have to expect these sort of issues , it's not like the brady bunch everything doesnt just roll into place , it take's work and its hard and you have to be willing to try every angle you have to be willing to sacrifice for the child's own emotional well being and if that means you step out and explain to your husband that the job's being handed out , the decision's with his son are his you will only be an advisor not a reprimander or correcting him on little thing's that in the wider picture dont really matter see if that changes his attitude.

Some time's you just have to be willing to step back and be the friend not the parent with step children and let them come to you dont chase after them.

I'm sorry if my answer is all over the place but after going through this for so long and now having a better friendship/parent role with my step son I just really hope you can do the same , I forgave my step son for so much and he in return forgave me my mis-giving's and we get along fantastically now and he's 13.

Answer 5

My husband also has a son and daughter from his 1st marriage. and his son was always in trouble with the law and in and out of school and jail etc. I had to let him and his ex-wife handle it because any help from me was just considered interference. And who needs that headache.

Answer 6

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree..mixed with a typical 14 year old..Let him handle that boy...Go do your nails and read a book.

Answer 7

Start taking things away from him. You really need for your husband to back you but seems like that ain't happen.

Answer 8

welcome to life as a parent with a teenager - they are becoming more independent, and often break communication at this stage in order to do so. You need to talk to your hubby about setting some ground rules for your teen - then talk with him about them, and make sure he understands the consequences of coming home late, etc.
good luck!