What is the best way to survive after a horrible divorce?

Question

I recently went through a terrible and bitter divorce and my ex husband ended up with everything and I do mean everything the house, cars and children. I was so mentally and physcially beat down by the time he was ready to divorce me I had no fight in me. He had gotten a 83,000.00 settlement and paid an attorney about 60,000.00 to hurt me and take everything. I found out that after he fought so hard to take my home from me that he had to sell it because he had spent all his money on attorneys fees. How do I explain to my children why they had to move from a 2,250 square ft house to a 1,000 square ft house? I pay him child support and now my attorney wants to take him to court for full custody. Should I be as mean as him? My kids don't want to live with him but I do want to get along with him eventhough he slams the door in my face every chance he gets. He and his sister talk really bad about me to my kids and they are starting to resent him for it what should I do to recover?

Answer 1

You can do anything about him bashing you, just don't do the same as him (which it sounds like you have better sense than that). Now that he is out of money, take him to court if you are ready to have your kids back (there no shame in needing a couple of months to get yourself together first, since all you've been through). I think it should be up to the kids where they live. A smaller home will only temporally disrupt them. If they are get the love, attention, and parental support they need, material things will eventually take a back seat.

I agree with "dear old mother", living well is the best revenge. So, take care of yourself!

Answer 2

Without knowing the details of your life, I can only guess. Please, whatever you do, DO NOT UPSET your children further by retaliating against your ex. I know it might seem like the right thing to do but you will only end up psychologically and emotionally damaging your kids.

How did your husband end up getting the kids? It takes a lot for a court to award children to the father if the mother is around. Was it due to your inability to properly parent them? Was it due to alcohol problems, drugs, mental problems....what? If he got them because you are unstable, then you should leave things alone, at least for now until you get yourself together. You cannot be a good parent if you don't have your act together. Arrange to visit them as much as possible. Give them a lot of love and attention. Don't bad mouth their dad no matter how tempting it may seem. They don't need more stress and insecurity right now. Never mind what members of the family say about you. Family will always take sides so look at it for what it is. You have much bigger things to concern yourself with right now.

Concentrate on bettering yourself. Go back to school. Take a course in a subject you always wanted to master. Get a degree if you don't already have one. Join an organization in which you can learn new things while helping others.

Stay away from bars. The last thing you need right now is to drown your sadness in alcohol or drugs, then you wouldn't be any good for yourself or your children. Get a new hairstyle, a new hair color. Go to the store and buy some new make-up to get a new look. Go to the health club. Go to church. Go to a local track and run or walk. You'll meet other people who are trying to stay healthy. Use this period as one to renew yourself. Embrace your new found freedom and turn it into something positive to move your life forward, something to make you grow. In time, the sadness will give way to a more joyful life, if you give it a chance. You are not alone. Many others have walked the same route you are now walking and they survived and can now look back and laugh about it. If you do the right thing, you will have the last laugh. "The best revenge is success." God bless.

Answer 3

Go back to courtt and try and get the kids. Make sure you are leading a good life, so they don't have anything against you. You can also tell the lawyer that they have to cease talking bad about you to the kids. You also do not talk badly about him. If he had to sell the house, he might not have the money to fight you. You don't have to get along with him, all you have to do is be a good mother to his children, and follow what the courts say, other than that I would only be polite, just as if he where a stranger. Don't give up on getting your kids back. You don't say how old they are, but when they get a certain age, they can determine who they want to live with.

Answer 4

What a tragedy. Those poor kids. There are for sure going to need a heavy dose of counseling. I guess your ex to selfish to realize the damage he's doing. I would think it takes a LOT to take kids from their mom especially if they don't want to live with their father; I mean he would have had to prove you unfit or something. He must be really mad at you about something and is trying to "punish" you. I could never part with my child so my advice is go for the "jugular" and take those kids back. Not a very good Christian attitude but all is fair in love and war. As long as your not lying or manipulating use justice to your advantage and get those kids. Telling kids their moving to a smaller house is the least of your worries. Best wishes.

Answer 5

I cannot imagine why you want to get along with him. You no longer have anything he wants, so he's wadded you up and thrown you away.

If your attorney honestly thinks he can get you full custody, then I would say go for it. You could probably use counseling, too, if for no other reason than to learn assertiveness. If you can't afford it, there are a million self-help books out there. You don't want to be mean; you want your attorney to portray you as a sympathetic client to the judge.

Your ex's personality will probably not go over really well in court against you, you're a woman who does not have a mean streak in her, and your kids would rather live with you. I would say, again, go for it. Your kids are counting on your assertiveness and compassionate nature.

Answer 6

I think you can survive, only do it one day at a time. You can't change the past, and the future hasn't happened yet.
Deal with what you can today. Let tomorrow happen tomorrow.

Find yourself again. Marriage and children can make you forget that you are a person- not just a wife or a mom, you are a person. You have value!

You won't be able to stand up and fight for yourself until you are strong again.

You can get counseling. Deal with the cost later, counseling can help you cope with your life now.

Once I got over the stigma of seeking help (typical guy thinking)
I found out that counseling was a lifesaver. I could deal with
my life, I could manage the grief, and other emotions.

I wish you well!

Answer 7

Best thing to do is smutther him with kindness, don't fight back with anger. Show you kids that no matter what you are the good guy and always be there for them. They will come of age when they will realize who was the mean one in the relationship. What
the other spouse and family forgets it's that these children will grow up and know what was wrong and write. Trust me I see it happen all the time. Years later but all worth while when you hear the kids side of the story. (Hang in there).

Answer 8

first of all this is not about you and him it is about your children. Why did you divorce? I don't think you told everything but your children should come first in a situation like this you and he may have to go to a mediater hired by the court to help determine what is best for the kids. the only thing I can say is that this too will pass and i hope your kids end up having happy lives in spite of you and your ex's problems

Answer 9

Might as well fight til the end. With you paying the child support, I'm going to assume that you make much more than he does, or he doesn't work at all? Yes, let your lawyer do his work and fight for your rights. You've lost everything, so what else do you have to lose, right? Be strong! When you win the case, pay for a psychiatrist. And a vacation with your kids. You all need it ;)

Answer 10

So basically your X got custody of your children and you got free of a major jerk.
You don't mention your children's ages, but explain to them in as simple terms as possible that daddy took their house and sold it. Pure & simple truth is best.
As far as your attorney, he allowed your X to get custody, so If 'I wanted, not the attorney' to get custody, I would find another attorney who will work for a reasonable fee to get custody unless the courts found you unacceptable to raise your children, then I would save my money and spend it on my kids when they are with me. In time, about age 12, your kids can decide on their own that they 'want' to live with you. That would be a much easier fight. Stay as close as possible to your children and they will love you for it.
Get recovery for yourself by calling the larger churches in your area and asking for info on 'after divorce care' and 'recovery' classes for divorced people. The truth will make you free.